[UrsaMajor]

So a new update- it looks like my MLCer has re-written a lot of our history (of course),  painting himself as some white knight and me being some helpless damsel he spent a bunch of money on. Totally not true since I was very self-sufficient for the duration of our relationship, but I digress. Does anyone have any insight as to when the rewriting of the relationship is ever reversed? Is this only at the end of the whole process?

Historical revisionism can continue until the cows come home and sometimes it gets even more humorous MLCxW2 is good at that.... I guess the answer is really "It depends." They may NEVER stop rewriting history if they don't ever decide to do any real work on their own internal issues.  xFIL(RIP) went to his grave reinventing history from his various marriages and affairs.....

They will really only accept the "realistic"version of history if and when they finally do the work and start accepting responsibility for their actions and themselves.

[KayDee]

When we blame others, we are not taking responsibility for the decisions we make. Even if the decision was to let someone else make our decisions  It is really important for me, personally, to own all my decisions. Good or bad. If I make a bad decision, it is a learning point to try not to repeat it. That's part of growth.  So as long as a person is blaming others, they are stuck.

[Flummoxed]

Thanks so much, Reinventing, Treasur, UM, and KayDee! I truly appreciate all your feedback. I know distancing myself is the way to go- even though it’s tough, I understand it’s the best course of action for me to heal and grow. That being said, as this still is relatively new for me, I have a little flame of hope in me. Which sucks because this process could take years or never end, depending on the person- I know at some point I may truly let go. But I’m not there yet, and I hope that can be understood.

Treasur, I can confirm I’m taking steps to protect myself. I promise. I haven’t said much here just because I’m a bit paranoid. It currently is a waiting game for me but as soon as there have been finalizations, I will be willing to share more.

My mom met with H and could not even recognize him at first. He had gained quite a bit of weight and lost quite a bit of hair since she last saw him. When speaking, aside from his hatred and blame tied to me, he couldn’t keep his story straight. His timeline of events were all over the place and it was a just one hour-long conversation. He alluded to substance abuse at one point, that he has worked to get clean again. My old H didn’t use. He admitted to doing so many terrible things, but wouldn’t speak more to anything. There was considerable guilt and shame, but he still very much played the victim card, saying “Flummoxed knows why I did this,” basically blaming everything on our decreased intimacy.My mom said he was very confused, that there was some kind of innocence there that showed he did not understand the consequences of his actions. That this is very likely a childhood trauma thing. Falls in line with MLC, I’d say.

I worry for him because it sounds like he’s burning himself to the ground at an accelerated pace. He was raised in a very traditional household, so placing blame rightly on his parents  for abandonment and neglect sounds unlikely. And he refuses to accept blame himself. So I guess I’ll have to continue to be the scapegoat if and when he ever decides to truly accept actual reality. But I do worry about him, just because I don’t know if he’ll  survive to make that realization. I understand they have to hit their rock bottom. It just hurts to see the person you used to love with everything you had hurt themselves so much due to unresolved childhood issues. His blaming of me doesn’t help.

[Flummoxed]

My advice fwiw is to filter through the facts and his words/actions to pick out the few that are impactful in your life and let the rest go fly in the wind. It’s a pretty standard LBS life lesson to teach ourselves what belongs to us and on our side of the street, and what does not.

Channeling this energy today; thank you for the lesson and reframe, Treasur. I realized this morning I was starting to spin out about my MLCer, but factually, there is nothing I can do. It is not my crisis. He does not want me in his life. And as much as it pains me to see him this way and act in this way, i need to remember he’s not his old self. I am working to let go and let God. I can only focus on me.

So an updated personal mantra: the man I love(d) is no longer a participating member of this world, these are broken people doing selfish things, none of the damage and destruction has anything to do with me, and I trust God to guide H through the chaos of MLC because I can only control myself.

[Flummoxed]

A question for the team- I’ve been doing a little mulling over the issue and though I’ve started IC, I’m still in the initial stages and it will take a while to make true progress. I’ve also just started mirror work.

I am a bit concerned because, upon review, I have similar risk factors for an MLC like my husband. We have similar backgrounds and, although not the same, there are lots of shared themes. I did not repress as much growing up but I know I’ve repressed quite a bit of my childhood- I’ve been doing my best over the past year and a half to focus on reparenting myself and giving myself grace. However, the more internal work is only just beginning.  Has anyone come across any literature or guidance on how to prevent an MLC from occurring?

[UrsaMajor]

Read your opening sentences again....

A question for the team- I’ve been doing a little mulling over the issue and though I’ve started IC, I’m still in the initial stages and it will take a while to make true progress. I’ve also just started mirror work.

These are the steps needed - to begin to explore the issues, acknowledge the repression of self that has taken place, and learn how to deal with the emotions in a healthy manner.... .

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, UM! I think I’m just nervous- I’ve been having pretty vivid dreams and strong feelings mixed with less than ideal sleep. I know this is to be expected after a trauma/fallout such as this but I also have read from multiple accounts that this was also experienced prior to reaching a breaking point. I worry I’ve started the work too late, so wasn’t sure if there were any other steps I should be taking into consideration. I’ll keep at it!

[Treasur]

I would agree with UM. Please don’t be scared. What we call an MLC imho is a crisis reached BECAUSE someone does not do the kind of healing work you are doing now. Instead, they run from it and try to fix it with external things.

Again jmo but as LBS I think what happens to us - what is perhaps happening with you now - is a different kind of crisis, a different kind of breaking. You, and life, probably don’t feel the same as you used to? And that’s scary, isn’t it? Just as painful probably, just as hard, and just as important to heal. But all the things it sounds like you are doing are part of healing; it just takes time. And a little faith and good company!

[Flummoxed]

Thanks so much, Treasur! It completely does feel like a crisis on my end as well, albeit a somewhat different variety. But still feeling a bit of a loss of self, not finding much joy in the things I used to love, not knowing what the heck I’m supposed to be doing with my life now. So I’m just focusing on healing since that seems to be what I’m supposed to be doing but when I’m not in therapy or actively doing mirror work, I feel lost. (And, embarrassingly, I can understand the drive to engage in a revenge affair. Logically I know it would absolutely make things worse, but I can understand why some people act. I’m trying to process the impulse and plan to discuss it in therapy.)

It’s good to know it lessens with time and practice. I guess I’m just impatient. You’d think a year and a half of this would be enough but then you learn it can absolutely take much longer. Much, much longer. I’m working on remembering that time is on my side, that it is a gift for me to do my work and grow. But currently every day feels like it moves so slowly because it feels like I’ve lost that drive to GAL that I had before BD2. Just taking things one day at a time.

[Flummoxed]

Hello hello! So figured I’d share a little update here. Nothing to report from an MLCer perspective, but I’ve been working on healing myself, as I had previously shared that I have a lot of similar risk factors as my husband. I started to refocus my attention onto therapy and inner child work.

To start addressing my childhood trauma, I read “adult children of emotionally immature parents” and I found it to be really eye-opening. And honestly, a lot of the explanations and guidance in the book and its successor work in an MLC context as well. I’m not sure if the book has been previously recommended, but I’d give it a little look see if interested. The advice given aligns with the advice within the blog and this forum- LBSs need to detach. Thankfully (in a way) I have experience detaching from my dad because it was necessary for my survival. By reframing what is occurring now with my H, I see that the same will need to be the case. Although I hope it is a temporary measure, at the end of the day, it is a requirement to move forward with my life.

Just wanted to share that little tidbit! I’m back off to my little study zone to keep working on my childhood trauma, loving my inner child for all she is and all she’s been through, and making progress with my CPTSD. Sending everyone a hug and positive, healing energies this week!