[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I have been working on a reply to your posts and I hope I can help you not only understand the situation, but also try to help you gain clarity into your own perspective and how possible your greatest strengths are becoming detractors that are keeping you from truly detaching from her and her issues.

I've gone back and read your post and it hits several notes that seem to be reoccurring themes in the MLC world. For example, your ex with her constant lose-lose situation. You wanted to give her space and time with the girls and she got upset with you for not being there. Trust me, had you been there, she would have complained about crowding them and once again being controlling. See, you can't win and my ex did the same for me. My ex always called them a test and I would fail every one of them.

The other thing that strikes me was the idea that you were unavailable as you worked very hard. I was in the same situation. I worked six days a week and long hours as well. I also finished my MA and my administrative credential. All of this while she stayed home to be with our kids. That extra income helped pay for dance lessons, piano lessons, singing, acting, and college tuition so she could obtain her degree. Then later, she claims I kept her from a career and made her stay home. Really? While I helped you write your papers so you could get your BA? You need to stop letting her drive the narrative in your head. As you worked the long hours and dealt with all the issues at work, was everyday a day in Disneyland? I don't know about you, but work is hard and part of leadership is the commitment to making sure the job gets done. I am sure there were many nights that you wished you were home with the kids. However, in order to provide, you sacrificed your time so that they could have the things they needed, including having mom around. If you really want to see the hypocrisy of her, remember that she is taking half of what you earned through all of that hard work. Imagine what she would have bought if you settled for a minimum wage job and drifted between them with long stints of unemployment.

So, let them rewrite history and do the things that help them justify their actions. Just as long as you keep your Teflon shield on and move forward. Remember, you are a hard worker and even though she has failed on all of her commitments, you haven't. You continue to fight for your children, you've made changes so that you can still support them and be successful at work. There are many people who would have thrown in the towel and fled. Trust me, the courts are filled with child support arrears and unpaid alimony. I made all of my payments and made all of them on time. I feel that you are a responsible person as well. From my perspective, keep working hard and continue to focus on your priorities.

But saying goodbye to the person you loved is really hard when the body they inhabited is still alive. But she is not there. And there is still the rage even though she has left, got the money and most of the kids.

This is why you need to post is how effectively you summed up MLC in a nice tight package. This is all perplexing. The sudden changes and trying to deal with the hostility. It comes across as if they are the victim. Just remember, this is all an inner battle within her personality makeup. What frustrates a person more than not getting what they want? Getting everything you want and still feeling terrible. She rages just to rage and you are just a really convenient target. And what makes it even better is that you react to her hits. Why? Because you are a problem solver. If there is an issue, you analyze, reflect, and take action. You listen to her, and try to fix the issues. Of course, you are frustrated that she doesn't see the changes you've made. She doesn't care. That may sound callous, but a MLCer is a self-centered mindset and it is all about her pain- not yours. If you were on fire, would you really care that I had to skip lunch?

Her sister is coming up from Melbourne. She has done the same thing to her husband. Cosmetic surgery. All his fault. Exactly the same but with a physical affair and drugs.

This nugget really struck me. Divorce has impact on the entire family and the sister dynamics can be hard to understand. Were they very close? Does addiction run through their family? I am of the strong belief that most of her issues and problems have nothing to do with you, but past trauma and issues that have remained unresolved for years. Maybe I am wrong, but your wife and her family may not stick to commitments in the same manner as you do. In my situation, her family had many problems and one of them was telling the truth.

Not saying that the LBS has no flaws but am saying that the LBS flaws do not rise to the level of meriting this situation.

Absolutely, show me the perfect person and I will show you the perfect fool. We all have faults and some of the faults that our spouses found enduring in the beginning can become issues in the future. Our lives and situations evolve overtime. I am positive that your wife worked hard supporting you and your children. Mine did the same as well. I really feel that as we grew together as a family, we became more distant as a couple. That doesn't make one a monster, its just a person trying to navigate life. I have met a few LBSers in real life and all have been friendly, decent people. Not one thing wrong with them. Just ordinary people that got sideswiped in the middle of going about their lives.

I over 2.5 years later I am still in shock. And that anyone would choose this life rather than work on repair is still difficult to comprehend.

But I just accept it and make the best of it.

Because my friend, she is better at quitting than you are.

Have an awesome day,

(((Ready)))

[Reinventing]

You need to stop letting her drive the narrative in your head.

Yes.

While we all realize things about them and ourselves in our past relationship that could have been better, we also realize that the MLC narrative is centered on them and their dissatisfaction with themselves. The problem is that they blame outwards and we are one of the easiest and most convenient targets.

A problem with hearing their blame is that we then take mental energy to process it. It may help to come up with some mantras that you repeat to yourself in your head (and outloud when alone) when you replay those words or when she sends new words your way.

MlCer: "You worked too many hours"
LBS: "I provided security and opportunity using my strengths"

Consuming their garbage wears on our mental systems and so mental shields and coping strategies can help alleviate some of that burden of the mind churning and churning over what was said.

[Helpnewc]

Thank you both. You are wise and I agree.

As to the sisters, they were close and something happened in that house. It is just uncanny how similar their paths have been .

I am slowly doing better. She is making that easier by behaving how she is.

Thanks again.

[Helpnewc]

Just some journaling.

It really is tough. But it does get better. I spend a lot of time talking to my ex brother in law whose wife did the same as mine about 18 months later. It is hard watching the same thing unfold and recognising how hard it is for detachment to occur and for hope to die.

And seeing the whole machinery that exists to allow people to run and to not work on things. How it is easier to just agree with a false narrative. To see how weak people really are.

I find it distressing that my wife is fighting to take the girls from me. That she is disregarding what the family consultants have said. It is quite bizarre to see just how stubborn someone can be. But sadly that is why we have Courts. You can’t make a mad person see sense.

It is interesting to see how people make their own reality. There have been times during this that I wondered if I was made. And perhaps at times I was. But I know now that I am pretty calm and rational.

But it is so frustrating. To see our children have to go through multiple assessments over one day with me. But you can lead a horse to water.

I have done my best. It is all I can do.

[Baxter1]

I’m sorry that you and the kids are going through this. And yes you’ve done you’re best, what else can you do.

[Helpnewc]

Thanks Baxter,

We will get there in the end. None of it makes any sense and you go mad trying to work it out.

I have just tried to be kind but there are such interesting creatures. For some reason, they withdraw, bottle things up and then explode. And the false narrative has to be held onto at all costs to justify the damage.

I have found it hard to manage the frustration of someone standing in front of a boat and saying it is a car. I have learned there is nothing rational and to somehow just be.

But I do wish we could just be like other couples that separate and that I had made some terrible error rather than have tiny mistakes piled into a pile of crap due to a lack of forgiveness.

It is just so interesting from a scientific point of view. The entire lack of accountability and entitlement is breathtaking.

But my girls are doing better. That is the main thing. And slowly so am I.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi Helpnewc,

Not sure if you have seen below proverb/story before, but I hope it will guide you on your journey a bit:

"Imagine being bitten by a snake and instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the poison, you try to catch the snake, to find out the reason it bit you to prove to it that you didn’t deserve that."

Though at times you may feel like you are not on drivers seat, you still are. Keep making smart choices and you will do well. The less you follow and mix with the "circus", the better you will do.

Take care,
Alvin

[Helpnewc]

Thank Alvin,

That is very wise. I suspect the answer is we can’t believe the MLCer is a snake. But they are and it is hard to work it out.

I will get there in the end. I have faith in truth and time.

[marvin4242]

Thank Alvin,

That is very wise. I suspect the answer is we can’t believe the MLCer is a snake. But they are and it is hard to work it out.

I will get there in the end. I have faith in truth and time.

Alvin’s analogy is a great one. If you are not comfortable thinking of your MLCer as a “snake” in intent remind yourself of this: if a car hits you and breaks all your bones the intent of the driver doesn’t change the fact and consequences of your broken bones.

[Helpnewc]

I don’t have a problem with the snake concept.

It was saying badly it takes a while to realise the person you love has transformed. There is no doubt my wife is now a snake but it really takes time to realise someone can change so much.