[Helpnewc]

Just reflecting. They are so odd.

I was directed to use a parenting app. It is weird and unnecessary but she likes to control things a lot. So I used it for messaging but then she ignored the messages.

So I said I was not going to use it and she could ring me if she wanted or needed anything to do with the kids. All of sudden we have to use the app and she will check it.


It is just weird. She told me the name of the boyfriend which sent for a loop for awhile. I don’t know him but he seems to be a bit of a loser. Which is to be expected.


I am just used to this life now. It is frigging weird and nowhere I want to be but I am used to it. Even the lies.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi Helpnewc,

Reading your post I get the feeling you are struggling with hard boundaries. And you being "weaker" partner on setting them up is likely making your life more miserable than it needs to be. Been there, done that - not fun.

Parenting app... Its not something you two negotiate. It is something where any changes should go through your lawyers or whomever is looking over your parenting deal.

Sharing details of new partners, dating etc...Again, how much details you need to know for successful co-parenting? Likely not much besides "I'm seeing somebody", that is all you need to know of her dating life now. Anything else is simply sticking a fork to your eyeball. Why would you stay there and listen voluntarily of name and other details?

If you dont have a list of boundaries (and what happens if they are violated), then you might want to sit down with pen and paper to create some rules you to follow . The goal there is not to control, but to protect your wellbeing on all levels. Now she is running the show and making you have kneejerk reactions in unhealthy ways.

Alvin

[Helpnewc]

Thanks,

I have pretty good boundaries. She just sent me the name in a text.

We have unable to agree to a parenting agreement and have been in Court for a year. It will be another two years as it is accepted there is no risk to our children as I was never abusive.

I think I was just having a moment. It has been the long haul.

I am grateful for your message and will reflect a bit.

[Reinventing]

Hwlpnewec, finding out the name is tough so expect some rollercoaster emotions with that. And when you meet/reference/hear that name regarding other people who have the same name. It can take a long time for that to not be a trigger for some. You'll eventually get to the point you don't often associate it with the boyfriend. That did take me awhile.

[Helpnewc]

Thank you Reinventing

I am doing better than I thought.

It may be the passage of time. Who knows.

And I guess I had to find out at some point.

I am just focussing on being a good man. It is all I can do.

[MadLuv]

My XH OWife goes by my dame name add an A to the end. Let me tell ya. Thats a hard one, but I think no matter how news hits you it’s ok. Acknowledge it and process it. I think the only way through all this mess is to admit what affects us and work through it. Ignoring or dismissing just hits us later in a different way.

[Helpnewc]

The family law system in Australia is delightful.

Despite giving my wife 75 percent of our assets, and paying $50k a year in child support and school fees, she has applied that I pay for the private family consultant for her application to reduce my time with my children from 5 days to 3 days.

I am trying to just get on with things but is quite difficult. I can only try to be a good father.

[MadLuv]

I’m so sorry. I will never understand how they dont think through the chikdren aspect. It’s all so selfish.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I can't figure out the system either. I spent almost two years creating, writing, and getting a Qualified Domestic Relations Order so that she could get part of my retirement. She would not sign anything. I had to get a judge to sign off on it which was another motion and appearance in court. All of this work so she could get a part of my retirement. Nine years of work. It was like building the plank that you were going to have to walk.

I don't know child custody in Australia and even in the US, the laws vary from state to state. However, they all try to keep both parents involved with the children. To help you bring balance to your argument, you may need to be prepared to go after her judgment and her ability to provide a stable home for the children. Afterall, has she introduced the children to OM? Doing so quickly can have a huge adverse affect on the children as they are trying to cope with the divorce and now have to navigate a new relationship. Also, a new male in the household is more likely to abuse the children.

If you are going to introduce this in court, you have to be careful that the court understands that this is in the best interest of the children. You don't care one bit about your ex's dating life-unless it adversely impacts your children. I would argue that they need to be with you more, so she can have the time to figure out her relationships and can provide a stable home.

You are in a fight and she is not your ally at all. Think of yourself as on a debate team- you want your points to be valid and sound and within the context of what the judge will rule on. Be passionate for your children and calm in regards to her. Please discuss this and any other aspects with an attorney first. I am not a lawyer, not aware of the local laws, and I do not know your judge and all of that factors in when preparing a case.

I really do wish you the best. I have two daughters as well and I had to navigate a lot during the dark years of my ex's MLC.

Keep posting,

(((Ready)))

[Helpnewc]

Thanks Ready, I am well advised.

The main challenge is there is no allegation of domestic abuse or any risk factor for our children. Unfortunately, that means it will take years and she is crafty.

I have decided to go high. Going after your partner tends to be counter productive so I have not done so. I am just a high earning successful male lawyer so the constant narrative is me beating up on a woman who earns less money than me. She feels a lot about control so she sees me wanting to see the girls equally as me being controlling and me not doing what she wants as me having to be right.

I will just have to trust the process and listen to advice.