[OffRoad]

Thank you for the vote of confidence. I don't think I'll be rattled, I just don't want to shoot the breeze with him or her. As if it's OK, because for me it isn't. But I have to consider the kids, so I'm thinking avoidance is my particular best option.  They know. Should he ever acknowledge or apologize, my thinking might change. But I've managed Ds graduation, including pictures for her with both of us in it and dinner with a dozen people without ever speaking to him, so it can be done. It's a dance. 

[Evermore]

Hey OF. Sorry for slow reply!

Yes, a dance is a good analogy. 

Not a dance I EVER thought I'd have to master, that's for dang sure!! 

[Evermore]

Well it’s Christmas Day here already. I had a lovely Xmas eve with M and D23 (at M’s). This morning M is up super early baking hams and I’m in bed with the doggos and a cuppa. Bliss.

M is making us French toast and bacon for brekky and we’ll open some presents. We’ll open the rest of them when SS12 gets here at 10 (he spends every Christmas Eve/morning with his mum).

And then… we’re all off to have Christmas lunch at ex-nephew-in-law’s with all my ex-in-laws… including xH and OW! How f’ing weird is that?! 

If you had told me even a year ago that I’d be perfectly happy doing this I would have vehemently denied that I would EVER want to (or really, ‘be able to’). But here we are.

Of course I’d prefer OW fell off the edge of the earth and wasn’t coming, but whatevs. As long as she stays on her side of the room and out of my face, we are all good. I have rehearsed what I’d like to say to her if she tries her smarmy ‘hi Ever, so nice to see you’ bit again. But I know in reality I won’t say that to her. For several reasons. It wouldn’t be fair to everyone else to cause a scene. And I actually don’t wish her or xH distress (and what I would say would cause distress). I have come so far that I now hope they can make it work. XH still has a health issue (stabbing nerve pain in his side) that is causing grief in his world (can’t work much, can’t help D26 and SIL move, can’t ride his motorbike etc etc). It’s been going on over 6 months and no one can figure out the cause (and therefore can’t treat). He’s a horrible patient and I’m actually quite glad it’s not ME having to deal with the stress of all that!! 

Atari posted this a few days ago:

Some day they will regret and my mission is to build a strong and better life than ever. Stronger relationships, stronger family. I am so sad underneath and I don't think that will change, only fade slowly.

This, IMO, is the only solution to dealing with their crisis, their betrayal, and the loss of them. ‘Build a strong and better life than ever’ Yes! And the key (as in the quote) is to build those stronger relationships with family and friends. But most importantly, with yourself. Be good to yourself. Hold yourself close and allow yourself the time it takes to heal and recover. Because the last line in the quote is also very true. There is still huge sadness in me that this happened. And I think that sadness will always be there. But it HAS very very slowly faded for me.

Someone here (ages ago), and I can’t remember who (possibly wise KD?), said something about moving on and ‘not feeding the love for them’. I had for years wondered how others ‘got over’ loving their MLCer. It seemed impossible that this would happen for me. I didn’t know how to stop loving him. That line though, about ‘not feeding the love’ was like a bell going off in my head! It has been the last piece in the puzzle for me in how to move forward. I used to think of him constantly and allow my mind to ‘nurture’ the love. I was feeding it all the time! I started actively stopping myself from allowing this. It’s been slow but it has worked! I can now think of him, still with kindness and love; but not that… yearning that I had carried for the past 5 years.

It’s now over 6 years since BD. I can now say with certainty that I am ‘through’. Even if he returned tomorrow I would be easily able to say ‘I’m sorry, I have moved forward, I have built a new life’. It’s a bitter sweet feeling. As Melissa Etheridge sang ‘I came here to let you know, the letting go, has taken place’

I would like to wish all here a happy Christmas. I KNOW what is like in the early and mid years of recovering from this horrible thing that happened. It is debilitating. But if there is any proof that it can be got through, I am it!! I was a basket case when I arrived here and for years after. So I’d like to give everyone a vertical hug. Life will get better. Just hang on until then. Xx

[sachertorte]

Thank you and Merry Christmas Evermore! You've been a pleasure and an inspiration. My BD was Dec. 2017, and I am starting to get there finally. Best wishes to you.

[Reinventing]

I used to think of him constantly and allow my mind to ‘nurture’ the love. I was feeding it all the time! I started actively stopping myself from allowing this. It’s been slow but it has worked! I can now think of him, still with kindness and love; but not that… yearning that I had carried for the past 5 years.

This is a good way to make the distinction. We can get to where we still think of them with kindness and love but not be "in love" with them and yearning for them. For me, this means I was able to be healthier both mentally and physically and have options in my life--this one precious life that I have.

It allowed me to take stock of the reality of the situation and move forward with integrity and grace. I learned to crawl, then take a few steps and then walk tentatively and then without thinking. It takes time and persistence to focus on our healing, but we can get there.