Following along on the next part of your adventure

I love your statement at the bottom of the page, makes a lot of sense. Also yes if he is willing to answer questions I’m sure that would be helpful to many.

Following along as well!

I asked my husband to answer some questions that seem all too common place and all too confusing for the LBS. I asked the questions and he typed the answers.


Do you want to introduce yourself or start off saying anything?
       ** Hi. I'm the husband. 46 years old.

Why were you so sure I was the problem? No other possibilities- just certain I was the cause of all your unhappiness when we had been married for 25 years?
    ** Wow. Nothing like getting right to the tough questions. Basically a tiny seed of resentment set in at some point. I can't even tell you when or what but it kept growing. It got to the point that I hated the things about you that I once loved your humor, ideals, values. It felt like everything just annoyed me. And I didn't know why just that I didn't like being around you. I started wondering if I ever did love you. Because I was just so sure I was never happy. How could I have been happy with someone that was annoying me so much. Which is nuts because I love those things about you. You are caring, smart, loyal and loving. But I just felt suffocating and annoying at your superiority.  I think now as I look back it really was my insecurities. You were stronger and better than me. And I already felt bad about myself so it was like you were throwing it in my face. You weren't. but that's how it felt. I think it's really a blame game. I can't blame myself. And some one is the cause. You were there my whole life so it must have been you. It's a crazy rational but it's a crazy time.

So that kind of feeds into my next question- why did you say "You had never loved me...that you loved me but not in love"?
   **We were young when we met. It felt realistic to admit that I might not know what love was. But being as unhappy as I was I knew I couldn't love you. At my breaking point and a year or two leading up to that I only saw you as the mother of my kids and not as my partner or wife. That admission made it easier to do things that might hurt you if I loved you like you were my wife. it definitely made it easier to leave. I believe I said it to more to convince myself and make it easier to be selfish and act that way.

We've talked about this but I think it's important to note. How frustrating was I when you first left? How did the calls and texts resonate with you?
     ***Oh man. We have talked about this and it made it worse. I was already feeling bad because a big part of me knew I was being a coward and chicken sh*t by running and not facing our issues but I was in full avoidance mode and your questions and issues kept bringing me back to my responsibilities and failures. There were lots of things I hadn't thought through when planning to leave. it felt like you kept nagging about feelings and adult issues that were just too much for me to face. I was already frustrated with you and us. Those phone calls and texts made it worse. I will say after a time when you quit calling and texting and returning texts that really jarred me. My mind would spin and I would start wondering what you were doing or who you were with. You also always seemed so pleasant and nice to me when you definitely shouldn't have been because I didn't deserve it. Maybe cordial is a better word like the way you wouldn't feed into my arguments. I think in a way I trying to make you angry so you would react and then I would feel validated in my leaving because you were a nag or whatever.

Is there anything else you want to add or share?
    *** I guess I just want to say that it's really not about the spouse. It really isn't. If you would have asked me why I messed up my marriage right after leaving I could have 100% told you it was Kellbell's fault. I understand now that it was really my fault and my problems. There are a lot of messed up people out there. There are people who aren't equipped with the tools to process and deal with depression and insecurity and past issues. When I look back I feel like a spoiled kid that threw the biggest tantrum ever. And I couldn't be with Kell because she held me to account. It felt like she was forcing me into a life I didn't want with things I didn't want to deal with. I think it built up until something gave way and I had to leave to find happiness. I do want to say that it was never Kell's fault. She is not the same person I married back when we were kids. She is a better person. She was growing up and I felt like things weren't fun anymore and she had lots of friends and I felt unfriendable. She was really liked by our community family and friends and I felt like I should be grateful she married me. I mean I do feel grateful now and even more thankful she did it twice but before I just kept feeling I was being knocked down a notch. I'm trying to explain why we blame the spouse but I'm not sure it's making sense. I am so happy that I realized how lucky I am to have Kell. I call her my sunshine. She shined light and happiness into my life when things didn't seem very bright. Those around her can't help but feel warm and loved.



Those are the hard questions we've talked about.  The ones that confused me the most. And it just boils down to the spouse with the MLC needs time to figure it out on their own. My husband's time away from our family and me was both eye opening and dark. He was very isolated. Tried doing all the things he thought he missed out on by having a family young but they didn't bring the happiness he was looking for. I think we were lucky in the sense that our family and friends for the most part took my side and were like "what are you doing!?" Those questions made him dig his heels in more but also planted the seed of doubt.

My husband also mentioned that he didn't just wake one day and realize what a mess he had made. It took time to build up. The same way his resentment for me did.

My biggest take away is preventing this from happening to our children. The example we as parents set for them and the way we raise them will stay with them forever. Give them the tools and communication skills to talk about things and address issues before it's too late. Neither my husband or I had a good example of marriage. My parents divorced when I was three and his were married but very superficial and proper. Not very emotional which was also how he was raised. Not much hugging or talking. Just a lot of expectations and criticisms. My mom raised me with lots of love but as a single mother who was always gone working several job and leaving me to take care of my brothers. Anyway- maybe that's something we can all take to heart and focus on through the crap. Do better for our kids. Stop the trauma. Just a thought.

Agreed, thank you both so much for sharing. It breaks your heart, but they’re the only ones who can pull themselves out and it really has nothing to do with the LBS. 💗