[Treasur]

I agree with the others. Tbh I think this kind of life experience amongst others, with a bit of time, shows you who your real tribe of humans are and can leave you with a deep sense of appreciation for them. The simple truth usually that people value you or don’t, and that it has very little often to say about who you are bit much more about what they value and who they are.

Christmas can be a really tough old time especially in the first few years. Ditto birthdays. Initially I think it is often a reminder of what we’ve lost, isn’t it? That how things are is not how we thought they would be or what we want. There can be a lot of absence hidden under our metaphorical trees rather than presents! In the first couple of years bc I had lost my own family too, I just could not do Christmas at all even though I used to love it; I was the grinchiest grinch on the planet and it was a thing to be endured not enjoyed. I think what helped was to swallow down that Christmas was simply never going to be the same. But that different did not necessarily mean horrible, just different. And with a bit of trial and error, you find new approaches that work for you, new pleasures, new blessings and often new people. Tbh there are a lot of folks out there who find the social mores of Christmas tricky for a variety of reasons and you are not alone in that.

This year, my Christmas Day was a fantastic Indian feast made by my very interesting neighbour. Great conversation, very low key nod towards Christmas, lots of wine and not far to stagger home just before midnight! Two years ago I didn’t even know her. It was nothing like the old Christmases that I still miss (but that’s a more gentle kind of missing nowadays) but still delightful for all that. I went to bed quite content with a full tummy and a purring happy cat. Different yes, but many blessings to count too, and a million miles away from the old agonies of a semi-detached unrecognisable husband disappearing for a ‘walk’ for several hours on Boxing Day or the years when I could not bear to even send a card or go to a carol service. Another blessing to count!

Figuring out how to do these things differently, and what brings you pleasure and peace, often starts quite small imho. This year was perhaps too early in your loss to do that, and that’s ok. God willing, there will be other birthdays and other Christmases and other delights to enjoy. Just different than before. And you’ll get there bc with time we all do. I hope that this year you at least got the odd tiny glimmer of that - a carol service, a great cup of hot chocolate, a lazy lie in - whatever floats your festive boat. And the comfort that it will get better and easier to do things differently xxx

[Baxter1]

F-

Happy Belated Birthday and happy holidays!

[Flummoxed]

Thank you so much, OffRoad, Treasur, and Baxter1!

Too true that the people who care reveal themselves and Switzerlands are gonna Switzerland. Nothing we can do about the behavior of others, though I will admit I am disappointed in some.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas holiday. OffRoad, a craft is such a good idea! I had a half-finished puzzle tucked away- could have given that some attention. Treasur, your Christmas dinner plans sounded absolutely delightful! I love it all so much!

My holidays were rough- I refrained from coming onto the forum much primarily because I was in a pretty wonky headspace. But overall, I watched some classic movies, kept to my training, and spent a little time with family. There were definitely nuggets of gold in the mix, that’s for sure.

I did hear from the MLCer. It was another correspondence talking about divorce and potential escalation in the new year. He did start the letter with a happy birthday though… and I did want to hear from him after all. Maybe I got my wish? In the spirit of the holidays, I broke my two month silence to thank him and wish him a happy holiday season. After the end OW1 last year, in the midst of his deep depression, he still went out to get me a piece of cake and a small gift.  I had told him he didn’t need to be around for my birthday last year, but he was adamant about being there. He kept saying he was depressed and wouldn’t spend time with me, but he did go out of his way to make that gesture. I feel like he really did try. And now, this year, I take this as a little try too. Granted, it’s also a “kick her while she’s down and vulnerable”, but he remembered my birthday. And as sad as that may seem from the outside, that meant so much.

Back to me- I’ve got my social calendar back up and running starting this upcoming weekend. I’m still in the midst of training for my coming race. I wrote a list of all the things I’m proud of accomplishing this past year and it was a lot longer than I was expecting it to be. There’s a lot to be thankful outside of this.

Wishing you all a beautiful new year! May 2025 be filled with joy, laughter, love, and peace. I am so thankful for you all and wish you the very best. Much love 💗

[amazinglove]

I'm sorry the holidays were hard -I can understand staying away too. I think your attitude is wonderful and training for a race is such a great idea. I sometimes feel that making ourselves physically stronger really helps with the emotional side too. I'm glad you heard from your ex too. It's nice to know (even tho they are soooo broken and selfish) that moments of recognition (or your immense value) poke thru too.

I wish you a beautiful new year full of wonderful moments and new memories!

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, amazinglove! I wish you the very same I agree regarding the physical and emotional strength connection- it’s like you remember how much you’re capable of and the endorphins are always a much appreciated boost.

[Baxter1]

F-

Great post!. At the end when you said the social calendar is up and the up coming race, sounds like you have a lot to look forward too! Happy New Year 2025, you got this!

[Flummoxed]

Thanks so much, Baxter1! 💪🏽✨

Journaling:

A little update on my end, it seems my MLCer has finally decided to take action. Looks like my car is now joining the legal track like so many of the rest of you.

However, at this present moment in time, I’m accepting this new reality and embracing starting anew. Focusing on myself, on my needs, on my future. It’s still a rollercoaster of emotions, but I’m opening up to all the new possibilities available to me without this person in my life. It’s actually pretty exciting.

Although I hope he wakes up someday, I’m not sure when that will be. At this time, I am not standing for my marriage. I’m not interested in dating anyone but myself for the time being, but I do need to shift the focus back on me entirely. If the right opportunity does present itself and I feel truly healed and open, I am willing to consider it. Truth be told, I shrank myself so small over the course of our relationship and marriage to make him feel better and coddle his self-esteem; I owe myself so much more.

He told me during OW1 (during that first year post-BD), that his greatest fear was losing me. Maybe the only way for him to truly hit rock bottom is to truly lose me. I didn’t understand it at the time (I wasn’t aware of the cheating yet). Of course, there is no guarantee, but I’m honestly thinking this is the best for us both.

Who knows what will happen as time passes. I do still pray every day he makes his way through to other side, is able to heal, and finally live in peace. However, it’s been four years since his depression set in and almost two years since BD; I need to focus on myself fully. No more excuses for the unhinged behavior- he is lashing out due to his depression, but these are still his actions and his choices at the end of the day.

I wonder if this was all a lesson, if perhaps this experience was to help us both address our abandonment issues head-on. The difference though is he is facing it involuntarily whereas I jumped into the fire after him. Truth be told, I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. I’m still working on myself, but I’m at that point where I’m ready to shed the drama. I’m ready to move forward. I’m standing for myself.

I hope someday we will be able to connect and chat about our experiences. I imagine a day when we’re both healed and at peace. He wasn’t just my spouse; he was my best friend. He was (and hopefully still is) a good person deep down. I need to move forward uninhibited, though I hope that someday we can reconnect on the other side.