[Flummoxed]

1000%, Offroad! So, so true! I know, in a sense, I used to be the "I'll feel this later when I have time" kind of person- I'm doing my best to redirect from that habit. It's so easy to shove the "bad" into a box and say you'll deal with it later. When you make sure you do and make your way through, you end up surprising yourself by finding the good if not great in an otherwise terrible situation.

Journaling:

No new MLCer updates (thankfully). I hope he's cooking away wherever he is, but he's really not my concern.

I continue to cycle; today's revolution is "I don't think I'm standing. Even though it doesn't align with the MLC paradigm, if he wanted to, he would. He clearly had no problem love-bombing other women; getting him to go to dinner with me was like pulling teeth even before BD1. He clearly had the ability to be romantic, generous, and considerate- just not with me. Why wait for someone like that?"

Took a break this evening to get relief from the cycling and focus on being in my body. Went for a walk and focused on the feeling of the soles of my feet in my shoes, the whoosh sound of my arms swinging against my windbreaker, the shadows dancing on the sidewalk from the passing headlights. The colors of the leaves in the trees, the sound of a basketball hitting the backboard. Noticing  I feel way better when I'm in my body and not just in my head. It was a struggle to stay in the moment, but it was great practice. Trying to keep it going to hopefully build the muscle. Being present- that's living life. And I am so very thankful to have the peace and clarity to actually live my life.

I think the universe noticed my impatience as I hadn't heard from the dog foster program yet. Looks like I'll likely be dogsitting for my friend while she's out of town! Looking forward to having some chill time with the little buddy.

I had also auditioned for a role in a community show and got selected! Feeling super thankful- I went in with no expectations other than to have fun and I think that really helped. They commended me on my confidence- I can safely say I've never received that feedback before in my life. I think all this trauma healing and focusing on the present is really doing something.

Anyway, thought I'd share a couple of wins in the midst of the doom and gloom. Some tiny flickers of GAL perhaps?

[Reinventing]

Those are excellent GALs!

[xyzcf]

Took a break this evening to get relief from the cycling and focus on being in my body. Went for a walk and focused on the feeling of the soles of my feet in my shoes, the whoosh sound of my arms swinging against my windbreaker, the shadows dancing on the sidewalk from the passing headlights. The colors of the leaves in the trees, the sound of a basketball hitting the backboard. Noticing  I feel way better when I'm in my body and not just in my head. It was a struggle to stay in the moment, but it was great practice. Trying to keep it going to hopefully build the muscle. Being present- that's living life. And I am so very thankful to have the peace and clarity to actually live my life.

This works...feeling what our body is experiencing and being aware of those feelings...good and bad...and letting them just be.

My therapist asked me to stand barefoot in the grass and I told her I can't because sometimes there are garden snakes which send off alarms in my body but in reality, there are seldom snakes and anyway, they are more afraid of me as I am of them. Connecting barefoot to the earth, grounding into our being
helps to put it all in perspective.

You are doing a great job!

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, Reinventing and xyzcf! 💗

xyzcf, I'd be terrified of potential snakes as well, even if they may be on the shy side. But 100%- standing barefoot on the earth is a magical grounding practice. Definitely need to engage in it more!

Journaling:

I think I really am at a point of ending my stand. Not to say I wouldn't be open to reconnection someday down the road; I'm open to leaving the door open a crack. But I've been reading so many threads, learning as much as I can, and I think it just hit me- I don't want the old relationship. He's no prize now and he wasn't that great a prize before either.

I felt a lot of similarities to KellBell's story; STBXH also viewed life as a checklist and constantly needed the next best thing. Even though he had a rough childhood, he followed a very linear path to where he is today (or at least where he was at BD1). He so very rarely took the time to appreciate life. I had once asked him when he would stop to appreciate the present and he told me he would when he was dead. I laughed at the time because I thought he was joking. I don't think he was.

Right after we got married, he started looking into buying property. Once we bought the property, he started looking at bigger homes and would talk to others about when we would start trying for kids. We hadn't even had that conversation ourselves at that point. But he was deep in the pre-BD depression by then.

He placed so much of his self-worth on his net worth and others' perception of him. I found that really sad, but I accepted it as a personality thing- no one's perfect. But his people pleasing ended when it came to our relationship- once we got married, I was put squarely on the back burner because he didn't feel he needed to try for my affection anymore. He stopped watering the grass and tended to other lawns seeking approval.

I couldn't count on him when I got sick. Before we moved, I made it a point to recover at my parents' place after any surgeries. After the move, I was berated for having contracted COVID right before his birthday and therefore no longer able to manage logistics. He pushed me to be as self-sufficient as possible, refused to meet most requests for help, and now in MLC he needs to be the white knight and "save" other women. I think I've hit my wall.

So many folks in this forum have been married for decades, have shared so many beautiful moments with their spouses before this chaos hit. I only had about a year before we moved across the country to his hometown, which I believe was the trigger for his pre-BD depression. When he told me recently that he hadn't been happy for the entirety of our marriage, I don't doubt him entirely but I also don't believe the unhappiness was due to our relationship.

I know he is not well. I know what he is dealing with now is the Big Kahuna of his childhood issues: his mother trauma. I don't know how long this will take. But if I'm looking down the barrel of another 5+ years of this, that would mean his MLC would extend for the same duration of time as our relationship. If he thinks I'll sit around and wait, that's one hell of a gamble.

There have been no clear signs of confusion since BD2. And maybe it's because we're no longer in the same home, but it makes a person wonder. It's just push after push for divorce.

I read denjef31's "Navigating through the fog" thread repeatedly; I found it motivating and educational. And I found she did mention multiple times (and I'm paraphrasing here), "don't think about what was, think about what could be". And, last night, I really did think about what could be. Traveling, strengthening my other relationships, eventually clicking with a partner who actually respects me and what I bring to the table. Who isn't afraid of decorating with color, light, or art because "what would guests think" and "think about the resale value". Who understands and celebrates our differences. Who can reciprocate an unconditional love.

I echo some of the sentiments that Courage shared in her recent post. I had sacrificed my entire life, tried to shrink myself down to fit into the tiny square hole he made available to me in his life. And I'm meant for so much more than that. Even if don't find this magical partner down the line, I know I am no longer accepting scraps from someone who cannot see my worth. I can see myself now in technicolor and all of this truly is his loss.

[Flummoxed]

Thanks for being a safe space to vent- clearly had to blow off some steam yesterday. Am very much still undecided on the stand front, but will do my best not to make any moves out of anger or frustration. Maybe the rule of three works on us internally too?

I’m clearly still hurt, and therefore, I clearly still care. Yet another reminder to self that this not about the relationship/me- it’s his crisis. And if/when I’m ready to fully let go, it’s perfectly fine to do so.

I truly cannot wait until I’m fully recovered and able to leave the house. Having cabin fever and an MLC spouse on the brain is no joke.

[OffRoad]

You can change your mind daily, hourly, whatever you want.  Some days are better than others, some people have lines in the sand. Mine was the actual divorce- at that point I was done, but that doesn't mean that something could not happen and we'd end up together again. It just meant I was no longer standing for what was because that didn't exist anymore.

You get to choose how you feel about what you want to do. No one here will tell you, "but yesterday you said.....". But you still should take care of you and that means all those things you could do, even if you want to still stand. Go ahead and travel, without him.Go ahead and strengthen relationships and make new ones. Go ahead and get hobbies, I'm still sorting through my house (went through the spare room and found things that should have gone years ago, but I just did not want to deal). My house is now functional for me. I could not care less what someone else thinks. You do you. If he happens to catch up and wants to join you, fine. If he doesn't you'll still be fine.

[xyzcf]

Am very much still undecided on the stand front, but will do my best not to make any moves out of anger or frustration. Maybe the rule of three works on us internally too?

Slow down.  BD mid Feb 2023. Trying to wrap your mind and heart around what happened and how to proceed.

"Standing: or "not standing" does not need to be a line drawn in the sand. Perhaps it's not so much deciding as it is a feeling you have ....ok, I have been "standing" for over 15 years...a ridiculous length of time and very few here have done this (although I have a good friend from HS who has been standing even a bit longer).....

Another good friend from here was done...not standing after 7 years, had both a divorce and an annulment and was in a serious relationship ...she remarried her MLCer and they are wonderfully happy several yers later.

Just two examples.

So you do not have to decide, unless perhaps you are ready and wanting to date and find another partner which at your age is something to consider.

Take the pressure off by allowing yourself to know what your inner world is telling you to do, for now...because that can and will change in it's own time.

Oh how we used to hate that word...time..it takes time and as you have said..."trust the process" and I mean the process that is happening within you.

I truly cannot wait until I’m fully recovered and able to leave the house. Having cabin fever and an MLC spouse on the brain is no joke.

Sorry, I cannot remember ...do you have a physical condition that prevents you from leaving your house? I do find that I go out and do something every day, usually to the gym/yoga/volunteer work/bible study/mahjong/book club/ gardening/ travel...because I do not work and don't have any family here.....I require some human companionship every day. I used to have a dog and that helped me to not feel so lonely but I choose not to have another dog as my life has changed and I am travelling a great deal.

I just saw Offroad's post to you...basically saying the same thing....let things be and eventually you will know what is the right decision.

I do not have any regrets about "standing"...he's welcome in my life still even though it is not the way I want it to be.....I would find it worse not to have time with him...that's me and my choice, not for everyone.

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, Offroad and xyzcf 💗

Will keep focusing on my internal queues and follow my own process for sure. I’ve got some preliminary travel plans in the works with a good girlfriend so looking forward to that. Can’t wait to dogsit later this month. I also have a new friend date lined up, so the weekends are getting busy, and I’m looking forward to rehearsals eating up time as well! Still working on not caring about the opinions of others- I think it still ticks me off that he lied so much to reinforce his justifications and our mutuals just believed him. 🙄 But it’s out of my control.

But, Offroad, congrats on the spare room!! That’s amazing!

xyzcf, yes, I definitely need to pump the brakes. Thank you for sharing these examples with me. I can definitely understand that each case is different and we never know if/when change will take place. I have no interest in dating anyone else at this current moment, but lately it feels like my heart’s in a box, more guarded than it was before (didn’t think that was possible). But I’ll focus on one day at a time, as tough as that’s been to do lately.

Can confirm no serious physical constraints at present- I’m just under the weather and then doubled down with a COVID/flu booster vaccine this weekend. I agree that getting out of the house is great for one’s sanity.

No major decisions from me for now- I promise to leave things as they are, focus on myself, and let the chips fall where they may. And if I feel a pull to go in a certain direction, I’ll follow through. Patience is not my strong suit, so getting lost in bettering and enjoying life definitely sounds all the more appealing.

Thanks, team 💗

[xyzcf]

I’m just under the weather and then doubled down with a COVID/flu booster vaccine this weekend.

Oh I can so relate...had my vaccine on Friday and by 4:00 was immobile on my couch and did not feel well until this morning...I always have a bad reaction but this time it lasted longer. I will need another in 6 months as I am over 65. I had given information to some friends about a different vaccine called Novavax

"It’s unique among the available coronavirus vaccines here in that it uses a traditional virus-blocking technology that’s been used against other diseases.
The original Novavax vaccine was found to be 90% effective in its initial clinical trials."

Pfizer and Moderna are about 95% effective.

Two friends received Novavax on Friday as well  ( the husband generally has terrible side effects) and both of them feel really well.

I was a public health nurse and worked for many years in immunization.

Each day will bring new challenges and new opportunities. You are on a good path.




.

[Couragedearheart]

Flummoxed,

You are doing great. Whether you can see that or not right now. I keep saying this time, this hurt this pain, the breaking of all things is a gift. Often feeling like a never ending gift…..🤦‍♀️.

Give the time for things to break, why carried forward things that don’t serve you and need to go.

You go back and forth between standing and not standing…..you don’t have to choose right now. In fact I would highly encourage you to examine your discomfort with uncertainty in this space.

When I dug into my own uncertainty, I found so many reasons I needed an outcome or path. My lack of knowing what I wanted, my black and white thinking (like I needed him to be good or bad so I could choose), judgment of others, beliefs I held about marriage, my discomfort with accountability and responsibility. My lack of self trust and validation, my desperate need to be the good guy ( my self love and self worth was based a lot in the idea that I was the good guy).
You don’t have to rush yourself through the breaking, the deconstructing. You will probably find that you deconstruct….sort through the rubble, keep what’s good, rebuild and then discover you have to deconstruct all over again several times. It’s okay. That’s how it goes.

The time spent in this grieving is you showing yourself that you are enough all on your own. That you will listen to you, care for you, be compassionate with yourself, show up again and again and again for yourself, that in the darkest moments you won’t look away….and none of your big feelings are too much.

For me and someday I hope for you, you will see what a sacred thing the breaking was and is, in all its pain and beauty.

Let it be messy, and incomplete, and uncomfortable. Allow this moment and the next to be what it is.
One of the best things my friend told me when I was panicking about an overwhelming situation was that discomfort doesn’t always mean you did something wrong, growth is uncomfortable.

Keep showing up.
Courage