[Couragedearheart]

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11034.msg736229#msg736229

I see it’s been so long since I visited that all my posts are archived. A fitting memorial to what was.

It’s been so long I’m not sure I even remember what my last post was about. That’s okay, I’m not sure I’m even that version of me anyway.

It has been 5 years since bomb drop, almost 6. And  4ish years since my ex left. In that time I have delved into extensive trauma therapy, moved out of state, bought a house on the lake, moved into leadership and begun to run medical facilities.

My son has graduated and is working, actually he’s been promoted twice.  And my life is full of adventure, and joy.

I just took a week off to wander the Oregon coast with my girlfriends and my son.  Watched the whales feed  while eating  ice cream as the sun sets. Spent every morning tidepooling and exploring, hiked to see 10 waterfalls and picnicked on the rocks at the top of one. I saw sea lions and I’m obsessed, they are so loud and dumb and silly.  I love them. Then we drove through the cascades into the desert and took fly fishing classes. You best believe I am adding fly fishing to my resume now. I’m a hunter gatherer type woman……did I actually catch a fish…not yet. I have concepts of a fish. 😂

I have always been the type of person that creates little existential crisis’s in those around me.  Not on purpose, but just….stuff I say hits a certain way sometimes. It can be triggering for people.

My mom used to say I ruined everything, for a long time I believed her, it made me scared to try, scared to get close to people, scared to take responsibility, it tried to hid and shrink myself.  I had a moment recently at work where I was requested to present my thoughts, plans, and strategies……it scared the crap out of me to know I was going to let myself be seen in that way. I did it, just did it scared.

I was talking about it with my best friend and she had asked why I was so scared….and I offhandly mentioned the ruining everything fear. 

For the last 4 months she has been pointing out everything I ruin in painstaking detail. Over and over.  The employee who finally got the courage to leave their abusive spouse, the 6 employees that started therapy, the ones cutting off abusive family members. Them not tolerating disrespect or abusive behaviors.
Everytime one of them make a big change based on something I said or taught them she looks at me with so much love and compassion and says…..”look what you ruined now courage!” I have never felt so loved. She had turned one of the cruelest things ever said to me into a love song. She had helped me love the part of me that triggers things. I have no idea what kind of Christmas gift is appropriate for that.

I had a man recently tell me that he felt I was masculine. When I encouraged him to explain…. He said that I carry myself with the confidence of a man. I expect to be listened to when I speak. Bless his heart. I do.  By all the standards that society measures men’s success, I am the man they were all trying to become. 😂😂😂  I have zero desire to shrink myself so that men who do less than me don’t feel uncomfortable.

Speaking of men who feel uncomfortable with my competence. The ex got remarried. I hope either he’s healed or she is a gold digger. You might think that’s heartless, it isn’t. He’s still working 70-100 hours a week. And now he’s back at the original job working with his affair partner.  We don’t speak.

My son said of him……”I couldn’t tell you anything about who he is as a person, all I know is he is good at business.” A sad testament to the 16 years we were together.

Looking back at my marriage, I’m so glad it ended. I couldn’t be more grateful. I was convinced then that I was losing everything, that we had a good marriage. Spoiler, we didn’t. He was avoidant, and struggles with mental illness (what kind I don’t know, and don’t care.) I was anxious, and codependent and enmeshed. I had no idea who I was. Every rule I knew for relationships was wrong. We were definitely not aligned in our value systems, or communication, or goals. Both of us trying to change the other person into who we thought they ought to be.

He was never “the one” and I’m glad I stopped telling myself the story that he was. I spent so long caught up in the day to day semantics of the divorce that I missed the big picture.

In the years since I have learned to love myself so fully and completely. I am able to be authentic. I have such depth and intimacy and vulnerability in my friendships. I don’t try to shrink or hide or fit in.  I don’t have to fit in anymore, I finally belong.

I had never experienced relationships without my entire attachment system in play before. I had lived the entirety of my life in survival mode.  The peace and joy, and safety and security I now have on a daily basis with myself is something I never could have dreamed of.

So if you are here, and you are in the painful spot that I found myself all those years ago. I promise you it gets so much better. And better isn’t  determinate on whether or not they come back, or it all works out. Better is absolutely a story about you.
If they have checked out or left, you have now been given the incredible gift of time to focus on you. Don’t waste it. When you monkey brain, ask yourself who is the main character in your life at this exact moment….if it isn’t you…..go do some main character stuff.

The faster you can pivot to focusing on yourself, your life, your goals, your likes, your hobbies, your trauma, your relationships and friendships the better you will be equipped for whatever the next chapter brings.

Remember that you are always enough for the moment that you are in, even this one.

Courage

[Flummoxed]

Courage, your post made me cry. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your growth- it was such a beautiful thing to read. Definitely finding myself in the shaky beginnings, but love this message of hope, and call for authenticity and resilience. You are amazing and sea lions are truly adorable.

[Couragedearheart]

I’ll add this back here in case it helps.
You are whatever you continually do.

You cannot expect something they haven’t already shown they are capable of from another person.

The only thing anyone is obligated to do is what the law will enforce, other than that....it’s all a choice....and there are no obligation police.

A persons inability to see your worth is a statement about their ability to see, not a statement about your worth.

How you treat yourself/ talk to yourself and how you allow others to treat/ talk to you will determine your perception of yourself.

Your partner and the people around you are going to trigger your wounds, but they are your wounds, they are being revealed to you so you can heal them.

Your feelings are determined by the story(meaning) you tell yourself about a person/ situation/ or thing, so make sure the story you are telling yourself is an empowering one.

You have to live with your own emotions, so make sure that your choices are going to lead you towards the emotions you prefer to feel.

Every person on earth is on a journey of self discovery, they learn at their own pace, it is never your job or responsibility to help them or teach them unless they ask.

You teach people through your actions how to treat you, 70% of communication is nonverbal.

You were not created requiring another person to make you whole, you have everything you need inside you.

Triggers are showing you your belief system, get to the bottom of the shame messages your triggers are indicating and start actively working on undoing those messages.

If a person isn’t getting to know you by asking you deep vulnerable questions, then their perception of you doesn’t matter because it’s just a story they made up in their own head of who you are.

Emotions are just bodily sensations that that we labeled that give you information from your subconscious mind.

At any minute our brain is processing 11,000 bits of information, the human capacity for focus is 60 bits, so listen to your intuition.

You are the author of your own life and story, don’t hand the reins over to another person.

Action proceeds feelings, don’t wait until you feel a certain way to take action, decide how you want to feel and then take the actions that will get you there.

Surround yourself with people who assume the best about your intentions. People who treat you like you are worthy lovable and awesome.

You cannot change other people, or other people’s emotions.

Life is going to give you whatever you need to grow. You don’t love yourself, life will send people that don’t love you until you decide you are worthy of love. You self abandon, life will send you people that abandon you until you stop abandoning yourself. You don’t see your worth, life will send you people that don’t value you until you decide you are worthy.

Love is the action of being kind, gentle, patient, empathetic, consistent, and supportive to the reality of another person place or thing. (If they are only loving when you perform that’s manipulation)

It is not up to you to decide how people need to change or grow, love them exactly as they are or walk away.

The things that bother you the most in other people are things you do but won’t acknowledge.

Likewise the things you admire most about others is also stuff you do or are capable of.

If it feels frantic desperate or urgent, it’s time to pause. You probably aren’t meeting your own needs in that moment…..it’s why it feels so important to get others to do it.

Everything you are looking for in other people, you can fully give yourself, compassion, validation, being seen, meeting needs.

Your spouse having an affair, and undealt with trauma is not a referendum on your worthiness or lovableness . Other people’s actions are not a statement about you.

[Treasur]

What a lovely update! And hard-earned bc I remember how hard you worked to dig yourself out of your own pit, to offer your former h a helping hand out of his too but to not let his path dictate your own.

And what a delightful friend…we all sometimes need a bit of help at reframing a vista, don’t we? And imho it’s of course just as true that we no more make paths for others than we ruin them lol. As individuals, none of us have that rather scary responsibility or power. But we can choose to show up and keep company with each other in tough times, and gently show that we have choices even when it might feel as if we don’t. And sometimes simply saying No to a given path for ourselves is enough, isn’t it?

You’re a glorious creature, dear girl, and it is lovely to hear where your hard work and courage has brought you to xxx

[Couragedearheart]

Treasur,
I adore you. You were one of the most true examples of compassion and understanding at the start of my journey.  You can never imagine how immeasurable that gift was.

Me and my girlfriend had a long conversation about purpose the other day as she is excavating to find hers. We talked about how what I thought my purpose was a few years ago vs the version I lean towards now. I used to think my purpose was to help others understand themselves…..which is silly now in retrospect. Why would one’s purpose be to change others, so if they decide not to change, you aren’t living up to your purpose.
Now the version I lean into most is that my purpose is to love myself loudly and boldly and compassionately and  unconditionally all the time. That’s it. That’s the entire purpose.

Does that give people an example sometimes, sure. Does it highlight places where they aren’t doing that, yes probably. If they want to take from that something that’s helpful….thats great.

There is such freedom in that change of intention.

It turns out when I give myself the things I most need and want……people pop out of the woodwork to give me those things too.
Such a wild irony for someone who grew up the way I did. That all the love, belonging, connection, community, support, validation, and encouragement was there and freely available the whole time……I just had to give that to myself first.

I by no means have slayed all the demons, I don’t know that that could ever be a goal for me or my life.  I cannot undo what I went through, but I can absolutely change the power over me it had, rewire my neural pathways, teach my nervous system to be safe.

I keep saying yes to the things that show up that scare me most, and keep showing myself that I can live up to the yes I gave. I’m not actually sure where the ceiling is anymore…..so I’ll keep going till we find out.

So my season right now is one of self expression……learning to let myself be creative and chose what I like and be bold and weird and different.  It’s also one of deep rage, I finally found my anger, my therapist is delighted, I am not yet in the place where I’m totally comfortable with it yet. And lastly in this season it is about taking romantic relationships off the pedestal I had put them on and putting friendships in that spot instead.

I finally feel ready to set down the hero identity I held for myself for so long. Which is hard.
When I was a kid I devoured adventure novels. I imagined myself the hero in the story, and in the story’s all the pain, or abuse, or mistreatment had a purpose. It shaped the hero into the kind empathetic protective person they became.
I have used that story my entire life, it was the lens through which I saw the world and my place in it, it informed every interaction, it was my hope when I was most suicidal, to stick around for the part where it all made sense. And lastly it gave purpose to my childhood abuse, starvation, broken bones, and solitary confinement.
It was a great story for a 9 year old. But not one 42 year old me needs anymore.
I am very attached to that story, and setting it down feels a bit like leaving a hole.  One I am not inserting a new story into.

The story was a block to loving myself. I would love myself……..when, when I was the hero, when I was empathetic, when I had saved everyone, when the abusers were defeated.

I can love myself now. Whatever comes up, even when I’m not the good guy, when I let people save and rescue themselves, when I fail, when I’m not who I had hoped I would be.

It also means that the abuse was just abuse, senseless, cruel, unnecessary, I never deserved it, and it didn’t need to happen for me to be worthy, or resilient, or brave or strong.

So it’s small victories, breaking a record at work, hiring an organizer to rid myself of the last vestiges of my marriage, letting my inner child pick wall colors and wall paper, setting down old stories. And boy is that so much more than enough.

Love ya
Courage

[OffRoad]

I had a man recently tell me that he felt I was masculine. When I encouraged him to explain…. He said that I carry myself with the confidence of a man. I expect to be listened to when I speak. Bless his heart. I do.  By all the standards that society measures men’s success, I am the man they were all trying to become. 😂😂😂  I have zero desire to shrink myself so that men who do less than me don’t feel uncomfortable.

This another of those need a like button moments.

[MadLuv]

   I have zero desire to shrink myself so that men who do less than me don’t feel uncomfortable.

This is so important. I definitely lost myself trying not to emasculate my XH by my strengths that obviously triggered his insecurities in himself.  You have to be each other’s support team. Cheering each other on otherwise you’re married to a competitor. Great update!! You sound like you are taking on the world!!! Power to ya!!!

[beyondblessed]

Couraged, I couldn't love this update anymore!  You dug deep and healed the parts of you that initially attracted you to your xh, and that is the way to moving forward.  Your work on yourself is what leads to what I call "the other side" of MLC :  the side that is brimming with self acceptance, love, grace and the new hope of the endless possibilities that now surround you. 

You sound happy, strong and content.  In my book, that's a success story and an inspiration to all LBS.  Well done.

[KayDee]

This is why I personally don't like the term LBS - it very rarely turns out to be true. Such an inspiring update, thank you for sharing.

[UrsaMajor]

This is why I personally don't like the term LBS - it very rarely turns out to be true. Such an inspiring update, thank you for sharing.

LBS at the beginning = "Left Behind Spouse" but as time goes on, we begin to reestablish our own lives, growing forward, doing our own mirror work and healing, it changes.... It then becomes LBS = Living Better Spouse (or ex-Spouse in many cases)