[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I have made several partial responses to your thread only to see them disappear while working on something else so I am going to give it another try.

She also has told me that societal norms are that its acceptable for a man to walkaway from his kids, but not a mother,

I disagree to a point on this assertation. If a man leaves his family for work or military to support his family, that is not only considered acceptable, but commendable. However, a man who deserts his family is not looked upon favorably either. Where I agree with your daughter is that if a man walks away, he is considered a bad man, but if a woman leaves her children, she is a heretic.

I have not been perfect in all this. I have had times of  unbalance. I am not now, but I have been in dark places and I knew to seclude during those times.

Who on this site has? That was one of the most horrible times of my life. Just shattered my entire perceptions and views of my world. I was all over the place and it had a profound impact on my girls as well. At the time, I didn't even know how I was going to make it. Now, fifteen years past Bomb drop, things are much better. I have good relationships with my girls and I have been in a great marriage for seven years. My new wife is in her early fifties so there is still always a chance for round two, however, she is very pragmatic and I have seen no signs of MLC. Don't be too hard on yourself, you did the best you could do considering the circumstances.

Also, I think you have overlooked the trauma of losing a child. Your daughter was part of that horrific experience and you can't overlook the impact of that on all of you.

I just feel I have put my life on hold long enough. I have put everyone else before me.

One thing that I have learned over time is to choose to put others ahead of me. I don't put my life on hold, instead, I choose to do things for others simply because I want to. However, I have also learned to say no, which is hard for me, but I draw a line. Otherwise, it leads to frustration and being overworked at your own mental health. As I tell others, I can do a lot of things, but I can't and won't try to do everything. That simply means that sometimes I choose to put the needs of others ahead of me and sometimes I don't. Most of all, when I do say no, I don't let their reactions bother me.

It has taken me a long time to reach that point, but it has helped me navigate old age LOL!

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

[MadLuv]

Thanks Ready. I agree. Man it’s a twisted set of circumstances that gets us here, but somehow I haven’t used all 9 lives yet.

[OffRoad]

All I can say is keep on keeping on. The kids get dumped on in a whole different way than we do. Sometimes they feel like they have to take sides. Sometimes they don't understand that people GET to be upset about something. Someone being upset in one's orbit is NOT the end of the world, but Society says you should always be HAPPY!!!! It's just hard. I've been through things with my kids that I never thought I'd have to weather and if not for MLC,  likely never would have. Just be true to yourself.  I started with trying to be the "nice" person, but that doesn't work. It was kind of like when my kids were little, I originally didn't encourage sarcasm.It was a wrong choice and we course corrected. A person cannot be "nice" to a jerk and have it come out well, and that includes your kids. Somewhere back in the bowels of my story are some stories where I stood up and just said "Not OK" (very mild Reader's Digest condensed version here). It felt weird and was hard because they are my kids, but they very much respect me for not allowing myself to be run over by them.  D28 and I have a great relationship at this point, and S26 is coming around (it's that Saturn Return that bops you upside the head).

So, TLDR, you are doing great, even when it doesn't seem like you are. We only get to control ourselves. 

[MadLuv]

Oh, Father’s Day…. I knew something would come. It’s a hard day. My father died of cancer 20 years ago. What always got me through was being able to celebrate my kids father, which is something I can no longer do.  I feel much pain that my kids father is walking here on earth and  intentionally hurting his own children while step parenting someone else kids. Heartbreaking

My sister called me last night to tell me my daughter posted a story on her father. She thought she wrote it, but I quickly knew it was something she took from something else. The top line is the name of the book.  I know the quote shows D34 deep pain on her father’s absence, but actually don't like the poem as it says that you can respect someone who discards you. It also feels a little blaming on the spouse that he chose wrong. For me it makes the parent that leaves not accountable. You can change and fall out of love and still leave in respect. To say you chose wrong after 30 years and dismiss the entire choice is disheartening.

Something else about it is that she was so mad that he doesn’t and shouldn’t have access to her life and pain and kids, yet she posts these things publicly which is a cry for help. I have learned that it is her pain. My sons pain. Separate from my pain.  I have to step out of their pain, but the mother in me has found that hard.  I have learned staying in it is harder. In the end the poem is about her deep pain and confusion on why this is happening and  I can relate to that pain as well all can.

Here is the poem from a book from the top title ( which really threw me off at first) my sister thought she was saying that about me until I looked and told her it was the name of the book, but goes to show you how posting things can be interpreted by anyone reading it many different ways. Another thing we all have to learn to not care about. What people think. He have to stand in our truth. No matter what.

my father's eyes, my mother's rage

I respect my father's honesty, he was unhappy with the life he chose, so he chose differently, (and he didn't choose me).
days with him turned into weekend visits, weekend visits turned into monthly visits. monthly visits turned into phone calls, phone calls turned into texts.
now I barely speak to him at all.
I respect my father's honesty, he was unhappy with the life he chose, so he chose differently, (and he didn't choose me).
but he is my father, and I didn't have a choice

[OffRoad]

I have no words. This just left me with my jaw hanging open. I seriously have no words. How do you respect someone "Choosing differently" with no regard to anyone else?

My kids have whatever relationship they have with their father. My D does NOT respect how he did what he did (and has little respect in general), but he is the only father she has. My S is still working on things (he is conflicted). Both know, in no uncertain terms, if they do anything like this to a spouse of theirs that I have embraced in to my life, don't expect me to abandon said spouse.

Unhappy with the life you chose?  Grow up, work it out or don't, and leave with honor if you must.

I swear, I just really have no words for this kind of thing........ I feel for your D, the poor thing.

[MadLuv]

Thank you for the response Offroad.  I am also just baffled. You know D34 seems to have a lot of the self victimization mode issues as her father, grandmother and grandfather on her Dad’s side has.  It more feels like this may truly be  a self esteem issue as her father had.  Some hereditary brain make up.  It’s not easy being rejected by someone you love. I went through this with my mother when I was 14. I certainly did not act like this. 

When our daughter died at 14 after only a one month heath diagnosis my D34 said to me. Your pain is not the same as mine. I told her of course. We both have a huge loss, but it is different for both of us. She said, I have to live a lot longer without her than you!!!!!  That thinking at that moment was so painful. I lost my daughter and I had to continue to work, cook, clean, provide emotional support. Try to be as normal as possible. When I just wanted to crawl in a corner. She of course was much younger than ( senior in high school) but she just has a lack of empathy for others.

She definitely is in a lot of pain. Posting on social media that and then saying your Dad doesn't deserve to know anything about her if he’a not involved, but that is a scream for someone to tell him.  It’s hard as a mother to not want to be that person to say something to him. I think I see her pain and cries better than she thinks. I lived it from the rejection myself. From the baffling experience that someone I spent over 30 years with  could discard me and walk asay in a veil of lies.

She has a husband and kids and I do wish she would focus on that, but I do think she lives in a world of focusing on the negative. It just never serves you well.  She will be chasing his affection for her self worth for a long time and I dont see this getting better. She doesn’t have the self regulation to calm
Herself. To look at what is could. To know that he is not well and it’s not a reflection of her or me or her brother.

The fact he takes his new wife on vacations with her adult daughters. Pays for a condo her adult daughter lives in.  It’s just all so over the top. It  took me a couple years to get over how his new wife was drenched in diamonds, driving a Mercedes, all designer clothes. Then I realized it all meant nothing. Thats all he has to give. He cant give emotionally.  I told D34 so many times. They could be anybody.  They just are easy. It costs him money, but they are not an emotional investment. She always agrees, but her post still shows she  doesn’t see that she isnt being rejected personally. He is running from accountability. Period

[MadLuv]

Something I also want to note is that for some reason all this doesn’t dis regulate me like the early days. Time and introspection truly keeps making us stronger. I do think this whole situation continues to make me a better person. It also helps me to see how much I went through in my own childhood with my parents divorce.  I was always such a confident person, so I thought. What I have learned through my XH crisis is that I became a very anxious attacher.

I am fine alone now. I miss having a family intact, but I also have accepted that I have done so much to keep this family together for so long at the expense of my own mental health.  I do feel like I have done my best.  For years. I have no regrets.

[marvin4242]

ML again I’ll try to be careful as sometimes you have not taken my observations as intended. So first I admire and acknowledge how far you have come. As you said so well you exes behavior no longer disregulates you.

Having said that I feel I need to point out you D is choosing pain. She is an adult, she is no longer a victim of what happened. The past can’t be changed, but choosing to act as she is the only hurt party is a symptom. Holding on to pain and victimhood freezes us. This in no way is meant to diminish the pain and damage. That can’t be changed. How she frames and lives with it can be.

So maybe you can still be a role model to her. Show her how you live with the past. Maybe have no focus on what your ex is doing, how he is living etc. You do seem aware of his actions. Why care? Show your D that she is no longer a child, that she has agency. She can’t change her dad, but she can change herself.

[MadLuv]

Marvin Thank you so much

What I know  of my XH is from years ago or what D34 tells me. Which I have tried to be her ear, but also stated a few posts ago that I need to tell her I cant hear anything anymore as it’s not good for me.  That is why I stated it took me a while to get past it.  I went NC 2 years ago. Helped immensely because he could make me feel bad for him and it was confusing.  Her and I have so many conversations and I specifically talk to her about how my mind set has changed as time has gone on. She seems to totally agree and then she will explode. I do think she is a 34 year old woman and  I do think her dis regulation is extreme. What I do know is that I cant afford to be his defender or her defender. That’s what has got me in trouble.

Marvin. Im sorry if you haven't felt I took your advise as always intended. I think it’s more your straight forward and so am I.  That can always be read as more a judgment or fight back, but  nearly never meant that  way. ( but I was a master on the debate team in school, so maybe a skill I haven’t dropped. Haha )

I appreciate ALL and ANY thoughts. Only we here have had the courage to share and tell our stories. Our struggles. Our pain. I think everyone one here journalling show a willingness and courage to want to be better. To heal. To survive and most importantly to help.

So don’t ever feel your advise is not accepted. Sometimes I’m not the best explaining and then realize that thought is based on me not being clear. However, I embrace everyone's thoughts. I can get in a swirl of past, current ,future and have found problems with focus and that can translate also wrong. Sometimes we can be blinded by our own confusion and it always helps to take a second look!!! Always 😊

Also…for the first time in over 4 years I finally in every way have let go of my XH. I don’t understand how someone can do that to anyone after decades and a loss of a child and to their own children, but that use to want me to save him and now I just don’t want to think about him at all. He isn’t  growing or changing and I hope he reconnects with his kids, but I don’t want to know about it. He doesn’t exist anymore to me. Not in a mean way. I just don’t know him or want to as he is.

[OffRoad]

As a parent, we don't want our children to hurt. Sometimes what I post here was a way to sort what I needed to do. You (the generic parent you)want to be the sympathetic ear and yet you really cannot be when it comes to an MLC parent unless you frame it as ANY person who disrespects your child is not deserving of your child's respect.

As the LBS, it can be maddening (if I let it be)to hear the the MLCer took someone else a place I had always wanted to go (and he knew it and denied it for years for *Reasons*) or to see someone else get the item wanted for years and again denied for *reasons*.  I cannot imagine what it feels as a child of an MLCer to see people not even really known get things they do not. But as an adult, it's a thing to deal with, not wallow in. We don't all get dealt the same hand.

Which brings me back to your D34's comment, yes way back when as a senior.  I will say, I know a lot of teenagers that are self absorbed. They usually come out of it around 25-26. But I have to wonder, based on my own experience. Did we, the LBS, maybe stuff our own needs and feelings way too much for the sake of "everyone else"? In my case, I have to say yes, I did. It wasn't until I was tired of people expecting me to roll over and play dead and fired back (sometimes with both salvos) that my kids attitude changed from "Mom should just do that or be there or accept whatever" to " Whoa, she actually has things she has to deal with and her own needs, too". Just a thought. Maybe your D is not capable of getting that. She obviously was not at 17-18, but one would think she should be now.

Congratulations on letting go. It's not easy, for sure. You are having your own Peanut Brittle moment. It's an amazing feeling when you find you really just don't care for whoever they happen to be right now, and that is OK. It doesn't mean that some miracle couldn't happen and they change again and it works out, but you aren't hanging your star on that. It's a good place to be.