[WHY]

This was a very good read.  Thanks Al. 

[AlvinTheMaker]

Oh my, I'm becoming a grandparent  next year

Though it does create a fuzzy warm feelings within, at the same I do feel bit alarmed for the chaos it can create.

As co-parenting with XW has proved as useless exercise time and again, I assume same will apply to co-grandparenting. Possibly best i can do is not to compare, do things I like doing, and be thankful of what is given to me.

And as far as CW goes... she's trying to figure out her future role in midst of all the cooking.

Alvin

[FaithWalker]

Congratulations!  Yes, I bet it does bring up a lot of questions on how that's all going to work with the crisis queens around you.  May the odds be ever in your favor!

[AlvinTheMaker]

Ugh, how quickly another month goes by....

I'm pretty sure me and CW are done with CC for some time. It was useful place for enhancing communication skills under professional supervision, but progress has now become stale and even our therapist seems to have lost direction on what next.

To me it is pretty obvious we are at a different stage of readiness. I’ve done the meta-work - and would be ready to go next level.  But CW is still early on with her trauma stabilization and trauma containment work. These are entirely different developmental tasks. So our timelines and needs don’t sync,  and likely will not in many years.

There's really not much i can do besides taking care of myself, GAL and doing random prayers that things somehow turn out good. That's pretty much the only way through this, regardless of result.

Alvin

[AlvinTheMaker]

It's been a while since last. It would have been nice to say all is still well (as things seemed to improve), but....I am now officially living with female version of Edgar the Bug.

Not sure what it is with birthdays, but last week was CW's birthday and it ended with series of small bomb drops.  Not only once, but four times out-of-blue I was told (in heat of moment) that Im not the person she married - and I should change the way I am or divorce her.

And the demands have been coming and going for two weeks now. And it is so freaking weird. One moment I am treated as the source of all evil and given ultimatums, then I see her run and disappear for hours with zero communication, then I receive touch-and-goes with hugs, kisses and totally weird shared reels. And looping between these. 

Possibly only good thing in all this was that CW had her trauma therapy the day after BD. And today another meeting.  She froze down completely on way to therapist, and for while it seemed she would run away. I was expecting the session to become similar showcase of total silence as I witnessed with XW - but fortunately therapist was able to get CW open up few words at a time. But I doubt she genuinely heard or understood what therapist said during the sessions.

Her therapist seems to know what is happening though did not coin term MLC.  Therapist explained to me that sometimes the trauma or past experiences adds a lens that makes a person see and feel their beloved  as the "enemy".  It is not about me or my behaviour, but more of  her past taking over at her mind. It's totally subconscious defence system of a mind that she is not aware, and she might even forget our joint past.

Therapists only advice was "try to live through it in one piece".

I wish I could say second time is easier. In a way it is, as  I know even the worst scenario is not the end. And there is so much I know what to avoid and what to focus on. All of this feels less chaotic. There is no crash&burn.

But at the same there is new painful level of realism. Not loss of hope, but maybe the let-go-and-let-god.

Oh well, one day at a time.

Alvin

[JohnnyBravo]

Alvin,

Sorry to hear you're going through this all again, but at least you've got better tools to use. Of course, just because I have tools to fix my car doesn't mean I want the dang thing to break down! At least the therapist has a notion of all of this, regardless of not having a name for it.

Hang in there,

JB

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hang in there,

Thanks JB. I'll hang in here 😂

Today witnessed teenager "dopamine hunting" behaviour. I went out shopping personal items and groceries, and told I will be back in 2 hours to make family dinner. In meantime CW had run off with one of my girsl for fun & fast food at Target, and left my son at home alone.

So, um and sigh, just like having an extra teenager.

All in all understanding the "why" (teenager behaviour = dopamine rush) makes it easier to understand.

Alvin

[AlvinTheMaker]

Totally forgot how fun it is to journal here

Anyway, living with live-in is weird. She had a 5 day shopping spree (from dust till dawn stores), and all was happy-happy-joy--joy. Even I seemed magically happier  to her eyes when I briefly saw her hitting the bed  now that dopamine high is over, she is having a very bad dopamine hangover. Last night she had a massive rant that continued this morning.

Possibly funniest part of her rant was when she said I too must (not should, but MUST) have a therapist, and learn/change mybways - as she does not want to be only one with flaws and quirks. I admitted having  my own flaws, and reminded that I had 18 months of therapy prior to meeting her, and in total i have spent 7 years self-learning behaviour and psychology - and I am currently very able of dealing with my own emotions. That though I do feel anxiety, loneliness etc same way as her, I express and process them differently.

And I already have a therapist that i see now and then.
 What I left out is that i dont see my therapist for advice, but as safe place where I can unload all the emotions I cannot unload to her.

Not sure, but I feel she is very hard trying to get me explode or react, so she could run off without guilt. But as she gets just calm out of me, she is wearing her energy out slowly but surely.   

So weird is this process.

Alvin