[FaithWalker]

I think I would try to get myself to realize that the marriage died at BD and that what was happening was not a marriage issue but a "him" issue.  It took me much too long to figure out that I was collateral damage and that I needed to focus on me and not the marriage and move forward into MY future. 

I do think I probably was "stuck" for quite some time and impeded my own healing being so focused on what he was or was not doing.

[Treasur]

I agree with others about not falling into the comparison trap - there can be a lot of hidden ‘shoulds’ in there which are not always helpful and it can trick you into ‘measuring’ yourself against things which are not real and not about you. I found that, regardless of what I told myself lol, in the end I was where I was anyway and one can only craft a path forward from today.

Having said all of that, that impulse is an understandable one; perhaps it’s more about a need to feel that ‘better’ or ‘ok’ is in sight.

When I was where you are? I was a very hot flailing mess; it was about the time I first came here with all my ramblings! I think now that my biggest gift to myself would have been to be able to be more honest that my whole life had just been torpedoed into oblivion oretty much. That nothing was the same. And that this is obviously a really big life-altering deeply traumatic thing. So it was reasonable and normal and predictable that I was a hot flailing mess. No reflection on my character or failing on my part…it felt huge and overwhelming bc it WAS huge and overwhelming. I felt uncertain and afraid and distressed bc that was a real and normal response to what had happened/was happening. I think now that it is tough to find a way to inch forward or find a decent solution until one can name a ‘problem’ with some accuracy…true in life writ large I think. Imho a lot of ‘problem solving’ is a function of the window you look through and how you define the ‘problem’. Like others here, I suspect I kept describing it as a marriage problem or a him problem for longer than was useful and that kept me in a kind of relentless tornado limbo beyond my control. Took me about 3 years to even see that I had PTSD when, with hindsight, it was blindingly obvious! But until I could tentatively name it, I couldn’t address it or get the right kind of help if that makes sense? Sounds a bit silly, I know, but that was how it was for me.

So, that’s why imho it’s not as useful as you might think to compare yourself to where others were/are. But it is quite useful perhaps to name your own current ‘tune’ as accurately as you can….bc that’s how you begin to figure out what you need as a tomorrow step or a next week step. And that’s how you can also start to observe your own progress from A to B, whatever B looks like to you.

It doesn’t really matter but there are lots of ways in which you have achieved things already that I didn’t, so please accept a ‘yay you’ from over here 😝 even if only to focus on the glass half-full!

But most importantly, AL, how would you describe where you are right now? And what you feel your next might be?

[Reinventing]

AL,

I would tell myself 5 things:
(1) I'm going to be okay
(2) I won't always feel this way, it does get better
(3) the most important thing is for me to heal
(4) I can only control myself
(5) Be patient with myself, this was traumatic

See number one again