[FaithWalker]

Wow, I have not started a new thread since June of 2022.  Time slips away as we move beyond the pain and life slips in again. 

Old thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11941.0

New thread topic brought to you by the Song "Heart of a Hero" by Cathy Heller.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSTGCCceBks

I am going through a tough season right now with my M but we will get through this season as well, and I'm so grateful I still have her.  I need to grasp on to that in the tough moments.

Thank you all for navigating these ups and downs of life with me.  There are always going to be some really wonderful times and other times there is going to be tough stuff.

As a recap, I began this journey almost 10 years ago at the tender age of 37.  I am 47 now and my mind is a little blown that it's really been 10 years.  MLCer turned 50 last Monday.  His crisis started the Summer he turned 40.  Looking back, things were crazy as early as May, but my BD didn't happen until December.

I asked D yesterday if MLCers new wife threw a big party for him turning 50, out of curiosity because that was one of the things that kind of got thrown at me, that I didn't make a big enough deal about his birthdays.  Of course he had flipped the script on me, as prior he was happy to have little fanfare over his birthdays.  D said that there was no party and that he was probably at work in the new town where he took a job. 

He had called me about a month ago wanting to know what was going on with S20 as S20 had not talked to him about joining the Army.  Apparently he found out from my B and SIL when he ran into them outside a restaurant downtown and mentioned getting an elk tag for S20 for the Fall and B and SIL were like "how is that supposed to work?  He won't even be here?"  Ouch.  Gosh that really had to hurt to have to find out that way.  I actually have major sympathy for that, but I also do understand that our actions have consequences.  Anyway, during that conversation he had told me he'd taken a job a couple towns away and he leaves on Sundays to go up there and stays at a hotel all week and then comes back to his home here on Friday evenings.

Beyond that, I truly have nothing else to note, as I have very little insight into xH's life now.  Couldn't tell you if he's still in crisis.  Not much to note.  If you've been reading along, I know that at some point there was a major shift from talking a lot about him into shifting the focus on me and this became my journey and my story.  And I stick around to support Your Journey and Your story!  I think about our dear LBS's, especially the ones I've lost contact with and wonder how they are doing.  Still hoping for a meet up with a bunch of y'all one day.

[MadLuv]

I have followed your story and I think I never realized how young you were when this started. Mine started so late in life. The one thing I wish for all LBS’s on here is they don't lose so much time. We have to live through it, but man the lost time is the worst.

[FaithWalker]

Yes, I am definitely not the youngest, but was on the younger side.  I'm so glad that I focused on my kiddos though instead of jumping into a new relationship.  I have no regrets.  Those kiddos needed me.

What helps me cope is the scripture verse about God restoring the years that the locusts have eaten.  I have seen some good times in the last 10 years and I hope to see more good times in the future, whether with a partner, or without.

[Dragonfly33]

What a beautiful story of how you not only survived MLC but are also now really living your best life. My BD was back in May 2019,  I thought I wouldn’t survive it, but here I am, I’ve made it. Like you I’ve seen a lot of good things that happened within 6 years since BD. The first few years were very very difficult. But, I’m glad I moved out and tried to carve my own life away from my MLCer. Only then I slowly discovered the kind of strength and determination I didn’t know I had in me. Nice to hear your kids turned out well. It needs to have a strong parent to support them through a difficult time like that. Cheers to you Faithwalker for walking through this difficult stage of your life with grace. I don’t hear any grudges or bitterness from your posts. You have truly moved on.

[UrsaMajor]

My partners mom passed on in March after a 10 year battle with Dementia. I admire your strength. She was already in  AL facility when my partner and I got together and her dementia was fairly advanced.

{{{hugs}}}

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Time does fly. For me, it has been over 15 years since bomb drop.

The one thing I wish for all LBS’s on here is they don't lose so much time. We have to live through it, but man the lost time is the worst.

For me, this is the hard part. I agree that looking back, you can make a sound case for lost time. As they say, "we live forward and understand backwards". If I had rushed forward  and cut my losses early, would I now be living with the regret that I should have held out longer. When I was done, I was done and I felt that I had given my best. Did I lose time? Absolutely, but the time also enabled me to heal and detach to the point where I was open to all the possibilities. I also think we are all on different timelines and each one of us can't compare the time to others. I think it starts to become time lost when you can't detach, that you stay stuck to the floor. That's when the time seems to stop and before you know it, years have gone by and you haven't made the growth to move on and continue your journey.

I'm so glad that I focused on my kiddos though instead of jumping into a new relationship.

I agree and even though I am in a new marriage, that relationship isn't the only thing that defines my success from MLC. It is waking up in the morning and hitting the road to work and still excited about all aspects of my life. Just finished a great weekend celebrating my mom's birthday with all my relatives. There were 14 adults and three babies and we just had a great time. Absolutely loved it.

I think you have done awesome and with no regrets, you have built a joyful life. I am not a big "happy" guy because I can be happy and unhappy thirty seconds later. Joy is an overall feeling on content. It can be in the moment, but also a deeper feeling that despite the ups and downs of life, it is a overall feeling that you can achieve even when you are looking back.

Keep posting and let us know about your journey. Also, it is nice to hear about your Colorado adventures as I have found memories of my time In Pagosa Springs. I still follow my Broncos and it looks like they will be good this year.

Have an awesome day,

(((Ready)))

[FaithWalker]

Thank you DF, UM and Ready

S25 is selling his house.  And agreed to allow xH's new wife to list it as she is going to give him a big discount off the Realtor fee.  S25 had moved back in with his F and StepMom to save money for a possible big move with him and his GF so he's been renting out his house.  As a reminder, S25's F is not xH.  xH called to see if I could also come over and help clean to get S's house ready so last Saturday I spent the day with xH, new wife, S25 and S20 and then again last Sunday with MOL and FOL (Mother and Father Out-law) as we deep cleaned and painted and all the things.  Next Saturday we are going to have a going away party for S20 at xH's house together.

M continues to be up and down in levels of craziness.  Today I did not react well and got upset when she again accused me of doing things that I am not doing.  I was already sensitive as my friend just lost her 14 year old son who was wheel-chair bound and the funeral was today.  Thankfully I was still able to go to the funeral and I wasn't late, but it was a pretty emotional day between all the things.

Tomorrow my M's cousin and her husband come to stay the night with us overnight as a stopping off point on their trip to break up the drive time.  When I wasn't attending the funeral or trying to reason with M (I know, doesn't do any good), I was deep cleaning for their visit. I took Monday off also as one last hurrah before my co-worker goes out for her brain surgery.  I figured, if anything, I could at least offer to make them breakfast before they get on the road.  It will be nice to have one extra day off after the busy weekend.  I have another 13 days that I need to try to take off before the middle of January or I'll have to write to my boss and ask her if it will be okay to carry them over, otherwise I will lose them.  Given the circumstances of this year, she would definitely allow me to carry them over, but then I run into even more issues next year trying to use all the time, so I am going to try my best to use them.  We are only allowed to carry over 280 hours each year and I have about 330 hours in built up vacation not counting the 50+ more that I will earn between Sep and Dec.  I will definitely use a few days to go out to S20's graduation from Basic Training in Georgia.  I just need to figure out who I can get to come and stay with M.  Probably I will ask one of her sister's.

[FaithWalker]

My friend who lost her son split up from her H a few years ago.  He took the 10 year old boy and split basically turning the kid away from her by calling her a wh*re and other despicable things.  He left the son in the wheelchair and the two younger kids they adopted together and has had nothing to do with them.  He also was a huge part of her 3 daughter's lives and even adopted the youngest of the 3 daughters and walked away from them as well.  Before the funeral we were told by friend to wear bright colors to celebrate her son's life.  Her xH had gotten the message as well but chose to show up with the other son both in all black suits that were newly purchased and then preceded to not say a word to any of us the whole time they were, not a single word, to anyone.  Not her, not the rest of us, not his adopted kids, not her girls.  It was extremely awkward.  It really made me grateful about my own life and my choice I made to be brave when it came to my dealings with my xH and the grace that I extended him.  It just feels very natural now when we are together and I'm sure our kids are so much more at ease because of it.

xH called a few days after the funeral to let me know what to bring to his house for the party for S20 and I was telling him about the funeral and my friend and her xh (who he knew from our married life) and just how awkward it was and how glad that I was that we are not that way.

The party was great and it was nice to see my BOL and SOL (remember, out-law, not in-law lol - xh's brother and his wife), FOL and MOL and xh's aunt.  xH's wife and I sat together at the dinner table and we get along well.  My BFF was there also but she'd already eaten so she just pulled a chair up to the side of the dining room and chatted while we ate.

I was amused by several things and thought I'd share.  The house was relatively clean but there was clutter - it permeated the kitchen counters and some of the surfaces around the dining room, like the buffet and the top of the china cabinet.  The office was a mess.  It's just the two of them there now since S20 had moved out and one of her daughter's had moved out.  S20 and her daughter that is around D's age lived in the basement for a while.  Anyway, when we were married and the kids were younger we also had trouble with clutter.  He hated it, but sometimes with young kids, that's just the way it goes.  He complained a lot during BD about these issues.  Just goes to show that the things they say really are not valid and have no bearing on the state of chaos in their minds as that's where the true clutter lies.

Another thing that amused me was his wife's snarky comments slipped in here and there.  It was a little like deja vu, new wife, same sayings.  I used to say all the time that his horns were holding up his halo.  She used that phrase too.  She of course has no clue that I used to say that to him.  But I knew and he knew lol.  I'm pretty sure she was joking, as was I when I used to say it, but this time, when hearing her say it, I actually found myself wondering if it stung him a little.  I've learned over the last few years, especially with my kids that sarcasm and snark can be hurtful and I have learned to be more careful with my words, focusing more on building the other person up rather than tearing them down.

But then there are some families, that sarcasm is genuinely used as banter.  The teacher I used to work for, you knew you were liked by her H and her kids if they bantered with you like that, because they didn't just tear anyone down.  Only those that they genuinely liked.  It was kind of like an initiation into their inner circle lol.  And they loved it when anyone was quick with the sarcasm and banter right back.

I think there is a time and place for it, but I also do think that it's good to be sensitive to the other person's thoughts and feelings on the manner and I genuinely feel bad that I may have ever hurt anyone I loved "all in good fun".

[FaithWalker]

My "baby" S20 shipped out to Basic Training and I had to say goodbye on Sunday.  I miss him already.  These things are tough on a mama!  I'm so glad he and Nephew 21 are doing it together. 

[MadLuv]

I’m a sarcastic snarky gal in fun at times and you’re right. You definitely have to know your audience!!

Awwwww, I know you miss your son. I say all the time that I griped about tripping over backpacks on the floor and tripping over them and now I would love to trip over those backpacks. It goes to quick!!