[Music45]

Thanks Still. I have my good days and bad days like everyone but overall I'm ok...I think!

Musing here but do they change "type" these MLCers? Even after so long: 6 years in H's case?

He's been a clinging boomerang throughout. False returns in the first 18 months, touch and go last year but consistent with contact all the way through. Regular messages usually on WhatsApp. Regular calls. Even in his foggiest patches he was never much out of contact. Instigated by him 99% of the time. I just follow his lead.

Until now. I've gone dark on him as he's renewed life with the OW. Been on and off so no surprise there....but this time I've had maybe 2 messages in a month.

Do climbers turn into semi vanishers...even so long after BD?

Just curious...

[UrsaMajor]

Do clingers turn into semi vanishers...even so long after BD?

Just curious...

Good question and, if I am going to try to taste green with my elbow and guess....

Maybe now that he has renewed his contact with OW and you have enforced your boundary of OW meaning no contact (or very little), he is pulling back because he realizes that you were NOT bluffing.... It could also be that OW is keeping a vice-grip on his doodads so he doesn't have contact with you.... It could also be that he is so ashamed of his weakness for OW that he can't face you  as much as he used to ....

Without being there (like the proverbial fly on the wall) it is impossible to tell what is inside that muddled mind...

YUM YUM!  GREEN!

[MadLuv]

i’m interested in what's happening but I get on with everything else while it's happening

I was just saying this to a friend the other day[/quote]

Maybe now that he has renewed his contact with OW and you have enforced your boundary of OW meaning no contact (or very little), he is pulling back because he realizes that you were NOT bluffing.... It could also be that OW is keeping a vice-grip on his doodads so he doesn't have contact with you.... It could also be that he is so ashamed of his weakness for OW that he can't face you  as much as he used to

ALL OF THIS!!!!!!  Also, IMHO once they decide they are all in in making this new life work, that when the real disconnect happens. The thick of the fog and living the new life they chose. That what I see. There is a bit of comfort finally in that. Letting them live it. It took me hitting my own rock bottom to get there. Acceptance that “ it is what it is”

[rosetintedglasses]

Good question Music.

I am along the same timeline as you and feel similar. H has been in contact throughout and I could see him recent become a vanisher.  He’s not though but I couldn’t see it before but can imagine it now. It’s just so much better from this side when we don’t see him as much, easier from his side too I imagine. I don’t want to have that though, hard as it is, I’d rather keep a little contact up if i can for the children.

Your H was around more than mine and in daily contact for a long time. My H was around 3 weeks to start with, then 3 months, then around 6 months without much contact. I let him initiate too, almost always.

How are you doing?
Rose 🌹

[Music45]

Thanks Ursa, Mad and Rose.

All of that makes sense Ursa. Completely. What I find interesting though is why now. 6 years in. The OW has been a constant (if on/off) through the last 6 years (it's the same one)...so all of those factors : guilt, pressure from her etc. must have been present before...

Maybe you're right Mad, maybe he's finally committed to the other life or trying to and is trying to make that work, without the inconvenience of having a wife! Ridiculous when you actually type it out.

Who knows? And before Ursa tells me off, I know I can't taste green with my elbow....

[MadLuv]

I think they do need us out of the “picture” to live their new life fully without us to blame for any of their unhappiness. It took me a while to get their, but honestly there is no doubt for me that his OW is nothing. Nada!! My X married her after only having 26 dates spread out over 9 months. Then lost his job of 38 years due to poor performance. A job he should have been able to do in his sleep. That shows total mind failure to function. Now new marriage and no job and severe depression. My X is showing it all doesn't work out. Some of us get to see it clearly and some of us don't, but as my therapist says…when they go to kay their head down at night do you think they sleep? No, thats when all of it begins to weigh heavy on their soul. I believe that. So, let them live it.

[gman242]

I think all of our xes are similar! That's why they say it follows a script!

My XW kept up contact for several years as she dragged out the divorce. I found out OM wasn't divorced as she claimed.

I don't remember who got divorced first, but it clearly was a game of chicken for them! After they both divorced, they got married. XW got fired somewhere in the mix too. Oh so script! 😂

She's now thrown herself into getting through college. I'd say good for her, but I think it's another form of avoidance. I know she's living with guilt and regret as she was involuntary committed soon after our divorce.

What a tangled web they weave! But they're the ones trapped in it.

[One day at a time]

Hi all... It's been a while!

I still read the forum here and there but life has gotten quite busy and I don't always find the time to update.. I see this as a positive sign in a way, I still remember the time where I used to spend every spare minute here, pouring my eyes out and trying to cling to smallest hope that H will come back...

I have continued working with my IC for the last few months. It really has been a breakthrough for me as it has shown me how much the whole MLC experience has affected me and how it continues to condition my life today, specially in my relationship with B. I found it very interesting to realize how clouded thinking can make you perceive reality in a very different way than it really is.. The clouded thinking comes from fear and trauma in my case.. I'm not "cured" or "healed" but having this understanding helps me to stop and reflect when I feel triggered. Still work in progress but I'm feeling hopeful. B and I hit a very rough patch at the beginning of the year and we were pretty much calling it quits but we finally got to the realization that we both have been badly hurt in the past and fear was fueling a lot of our anger. Triggers are still there but we are both managing them better and very slowly we are getting more comfortable showing our vulnerability.

Nothing much on the H front. He visited his family a few months ago with OW. I didn't hear from him (no surprises there) and apparently they will be coming back in December for a family wedding. No talks of coming home for good yet which continues to baffle me when I think about the H I knew. No pregnancy either (that I know of) which again, I can't understand considering they are married over a year and the dream of having a family was what supposedly brought them together. I do wonder though if that might be on the cards now as H briefly came out from under the rock that he's been hiding for over a year and sent me a mail enquiring about the divorce papers as my lawyer wasn't responding to his. Maybe she's putting pressure on him as no matter what bs wedding they had in her country, H is still married here and she has absolutely no rights if they try to move back. At this stage, what he does or doesn't do no longer affects my life. The breakup of my marriage will continue to be a very painful part of my life and I wish it didn't happen but my life has moved in a different direction now. I would be lying if I said I never think of him or question wtf happened but my life is pretty good now, even if the emotional damage caused by MLC continues to haunt me.

A curious fact... My exSIL (married to H's brother) was at exFIL and exSIL's house last weekend. She doesn't go often as that relationship is very tense due to how the treated me when H decided to walk.. The previous time she was there, the entrance hall was getting painted so all the pictures were off the wall.. Last weekend, pictures were back on the wall, including pictures of my wedding  Not one picture of H and OW anywhere.. My x inlaws haven't talked to me in years and they were over the moon when H "married" OW so why hang the picture back up? The mind boggles.

[Thunder]

Hi One day, nice to hear from you.

You sound good.  I'm glad your relationship with B is on the mend and you're working things out.

I'm sure it takes time when you both were hurt so badly to trust again.

The wedding picture back on the wall???  Who can explain crazy.   

[MadLuv]

Wow, the wedding picture will surely be a little tigger for OW…bahahahaha moment 

You sound good and it’s impossible not to have those WTF moments creep in. Now when they happen I just say out loud ba$turd  then give a little chuckle. It changes my thoughts right away. I no longer linger in those moments.