[FaithWalker]

Hanging the wedding pictures back up does sound crazy.  That reminds me of a situation I had when I was a single M to my oldest.  S22's F and his GF moved to an apartment together.  When S22's dad finally put an interest in seeing S22 when he was 15 months old I took him to their home to visit.  Hanging on the wall was a love poem that I had written and framed, to S22's F.  I was just kind of like  - this wasn't a place that he lived previous to her moving in.  They moved there together and decorated.  Just seemed weird as heck.  I was engaged to MLCer at that point.  And we got married when S22 was 18 months old.  The GF became the Step Mom and they are still together but I still shake my head at that love poem.  I would feel weird about it if I had been her.

[Evermore]

That is a bit weird. No weirder I guess that my FIL still having pics of us as a family on his wall. Even weirder IMO is when SIL2 decided 2 Xmas’s ago that she would put together a family montage of pics in a frame for FIL. She asked H for pics and he sent her one of him and OW… but also pics of me and Ds (that he must have gone to my FB page to snatch). So on FILs wall is this big frame with pics of the whole family. At the top is me and 3 Ds. At the bottom is H and OW. So weird.

[FaithWalker]

That's weird too Ever.  Ick, sharing a frame with OW.  Ick, ick, ick.

[UrsaMajor]

A curious fact... My exSIL (married to H's brother) was at exFIL and exSIL's house last weekend. She doesn't go often as that relationship is very tense due to how the treated me when H decided to walk.. The previous time she was there, the entrance hall was getting painted so all the pictures were off the wall.. Last weekend, pictures were back on the wall, including pictures of my wedding  Not one picture of H and OW anywhere.. My x inlaws haven't talked to me in years and they were over the moon when H "married" OW so why hang the picture back up? The mind boggles.

The FOO Poo is getting deep on that side of the farm.....

[sachat3]

Lovely to hear an update from you and you sound to be doing so well. Despite the visit!

The wall reminds me of clingtons mum had a picture of me and him that was on her wall. right outside the bedroom where Ow went 😹 I couldn’t imagine walking into a house and just before I go in my boyfriends bedroom (he was in his 30’s at the time and enjoying a nice box room in his mums house) is a picture of him and his ex ok the wall! HAAAA

[One day at a time]

Hi all

I thought I would stop by to update/journal..

Things are moving forward with severing ties with H. There has been a couple of mail exchanges in relation to the divorce.. Things are extremely slow and painful in this country so you literally have to be pushing lawyers to make sure they keep things moving. Our mails are pretty much "Hi, I was talking to my lawyer and she's telling me she's waiting on an answer from yours, can you follow up?" At this point, it looks like we are both equally invested in getting the divorce finalized. I signed the final terms and once he signs, his lawyer can request a court date. I'm hoping we can get it done and dusted before the end of the year or early next year...  We really have become 2 complete strangers. I haven’t seen him or spoken to him in 4 years, I have very little idea of what his life is like, if he’s happy or not.. Still amazes me that the person who I spent 15 years of life with can vanish just like that.

In July he mailed me to let me know he was putting the investment property up for sale. I must confess, while this is something I wanted done (as I'm still a co-owner on paper but have nothing to do with it), I had a day or 2 of sadness over it.. This was our first home.. I remember going to view the property on Valentine's day 2006 and putting the deposit down. We moved in in June that year and were so excited and full of hope for the future. This is the home where we lived when we got married.. so many memories came to my head… And none of them matter anymore or at least that’s how I feel because that “love story” ended in such a heart wrenching way.

Anyway, the end is near and I’m hoping that brings some sort of closure. I will probably continue to be curious about how things unravel for him. I heard that OW is back in her home country so H is on his own (again). I’m not sure if this means trouble in paradise or what. H and OW are supposed to be coming over for a wedding in December but OW might not get a visa to come.. And it sounds like if she doesn’t get the visa, H won’t come either. From the cheap seats it looks like he’s now allowed to come alone.

It will be interesting to see what happens when the divorce court day comes. My lawyer told me he will have to come.. This was another unsettling moment for me. I thought that since he’s living abroad, his lawyer could represent him but nope, he will have to be here and face me. I really don’t know how I feel about that. I will see a person who I recognize but is a stranger at the same time.. I don’t know what to expect… Do I say hi? What can we possibly talk about?

The reality is that my life is much better than it used to be when I was with him. I feel more “me”, more confident and independent, have great friends and a social life. Professionally I’m in my best moment. My relationship with B has its ups and downs but I think that’s partly due to traumas from the past. The thing is that I’m not afraid to be alone if it comes to that. The person I’m now will cope 1000 times better than the old me.

The only thing that worries me a little is that I feel a bit numb. Even earlier this year when I went back home to see my family after 3 years, everyone kept saying “You must be so excited” “You were probably so happy when you finally saw them” but the reality is that it felt…. Meh? It’s bad in a way but good in others. I used to suffer from anxiety, I used to worry about EVERYTHING.. Now I seem to get on with things without a lot of emotion. I had to go on a work trip last week on my own to a country I’ve never been before. The me from 5 years ago would have had sleepless nights weeks before thinking about it. The fear of travelling alone and the idea of sitting in a restaurant on my own made me very uncomfortable. Now? I literally just got on with it, had some meals alone, walked around the city alone without a care in the world. Is it new found independence or numbness? Do people grow out of the feelings of excitement as they get older or is this part of my healing journey?  I feel I have a lot of questions lately that I don’t quite know what to do with.

[PJ Ames]

One Day!

I decided to stop by and journal for the first time in months and here you are with an update! 

You sound good and healthy. I'm sorry you're having to deal with the business side of divorce. But, in my experience, things get a little better after every step in the grieving and separation process. It's not linear, but it got easier for me as I went along. I hope you get some comfort from having more behind you.

Still amazes me that the person who I spent 15 years of life with can vanish just like that.

 
No kidding. Totally insane. I can't imagine discarding a person like that and I'm sure you couldn't do it either. That's why I want to caution you a bit about hoping for closure. Since this whole thing is completely mad, I don't know if there's any closure from it, the way there would be from more natural/normal situations. I would encourage you to look for acceptance of the situation, crazy though it may be.

I'm with you on the numbness thing. I think it's kind of normal though. I wonder if it's kind of like when you suffer some physical injury and your body tries to protect the injured part. You kind of build a shell around your emotions. I've felt the same way. Like my heart has a callous or something.

Part of it may be that things that used to seem like big deals just aren't anymore. But being vulnerable and open to happiness and sadness may be something we have to slowly learn again. I'll let you know if I figure it out!

[One day at a time]

Hi PJ!! I keep looking for your update 🤔
Thanks for your caution notes.. Maybe closure is the wrong word. Divorce and the sale of the investment property will pretty much sever all ties since we have no kids. There will be no more reasons to mail each other, no unfinished business, no reason to ever be in the same room again.. My expectation is that H will then become a true vanisher and I will never hear from him again. While this sounds somehow shocking in a way, it hopefully brings a new layer of healing for me and I'm looking forward to that. We shall see....

Update

So the wait is over, court date has been set for Dec 7th. I didn't hear this from my own lawyer but from H. He had to mail me about something else related to the investment property so he took the opportunity to let me know.. Based on the paperwork he sent me, it sounds like his lawyer will act on his behalf in the end. So no awkward meeting in the court house which is a relief but at the same time it feels like adding insult to injury... he couldn't even be bothered turning up for his own divorce? Anyway, another thing to process and accept. It might make things easier but it feels unfair he continues to hide while I'm the only one who has to show up to the $%&t show HE created.

I guess the latest news got me a bit curious and I went for a little snoop. H changed his profile picture in FB and his family and some friends were very quick to pass remarks about how grim he looks (he does).. This wouldn't be unusual, this is the type of people they are... However H would normally join in with the banter but this time he passed some poor me comment and followed by saying "he was going back to his box" with a crying emoji  I can only guess that's how he's feeling... "poor me"  I really don't recognize the man...

[UrsaMajor]

Well, if you need an appropriate reply for his pity party, here you are:

[MadLuv]

How interesting that he is not showing for court. I have to say when I went through mine ( 90 day quick as can be) I did it myself. When my lawyer sent me the papers I printed them out and made my XH come to the house and sign them. I did all the work, but I made sure in the end he signed first and I also then made him drive the papers to the my lawyers and drop it off.  I was not going to be the one to do it.

However it comes  with a mix of emotions and is a whole new bit of mind f’ery to sort out for a bit. I have 2 adult children and a grandson and we still do not speak. After 30 years. I will say that the NC does do wonders for getting on with your life and having more time to focus on YOU. I actually felt ok after the divorce for a couple months. It kind of snuck up behind me later to fully grasp as time does. Your H seems from the FB post to also have a little martyr complex in him. Amazing how they cause it and then want that pity party attention as the victim. This whole journey is just all a crazy WTF is happening and it keeps taking the shocks of the reality to get to the other side of crazy. It did me at least. Wishing you the best. I started my Divorce in December. This time of year makes it a little harder as well, but like you said hopefully it will be the start of some closure and healing and it is. It really is. Even if it is something you never wanted in a million years.