[MadLuv]

You know my XH has also acknowledged he has a problem and he doesn’t want to face it, so it is just easier to run.  They think that and then realize it all catches up. Maybe this is another moment where he realizes he cant escape himself and so the big 3 month trip might just do it!! 

Kudos to you on being such a good parent to kids that need that in their life. How lucky are they? Pretty darn lucky.

[Music45]

Thanks MadLuv, for your lovely words. I feel very lucky to have them in my life.

[One day at a time]

I just realized I started this thread 3 years ago...... Where has the time gone?

So I guess I'm here to journal... I'm a bit all over the place, I didn't think it will hit me this hard.. Divorce court hearing tomorrow. It's been a long time coming. I thought I was ready but I'm still emotional. My IC said all of this is normal. At the end of the day, even if my life is pretty good and I made peace with the fact that my marriage was over a long time ago, the hearing tomorrow is a reminder that all of this was forced on me. That my feelings and opinions at the time didn't matter, STBXH made an unilateral decision to blow my world apart without thinking about me or how it would affect me. The experience traumatised me and I have to re-live the trauma by facing him again after 4 years. 4 YEARS!!!!!

I heard STBXH flew in yesterday, today he's staying in a hotel in the city I live in and his parents are joining him. These are the parents that cheered him on as he was getting married to OW because "they didn't know we were not divorced" - exBIL is joining them for dinner this evening.. All supporting him on the big mess he started, it really makes my blood boil.

My IC gave me a few techniques to remain calm and get through the day tomorrow. I think she found it strange that I'm going alone but I find it easier to keep myself composed when I don't have exposure to other people's emotions or feelings about the situation.. People offered to go with me or meet me outside the courthouse afterwards but the reality is that I have no idea how I will feel. I tend to process things on my own and I expect I will have a lot to process tomorrow. I have people on stand-by in case I need to talk. My IC reminded me yesterday that it's going to be an emotional day for me but I also need to remember that, more than likely, STBXH will feel worse. He will probably have a huge amount of shame because whether he admits it or not, this is all his making. His life hasn't really turned out the way he expected it.. He's alone, in a country he hates and his "second wife" lives 1000s of kms away from him... I do think there's a lot of drama in paradise and the H I knew, doesn't do drama.. I also heard he's flying back on Friday.. He won't even spend 1 weekend here with his family, he won't be back for Christmas and he won't stay for a family wedding in 10 days.... all because OWife can't get a visa... pathetic.

This evening I'm getting my hair done. Tomorrow I will dress well and do my make up.. If nothing else, I want to show him what he lost.. A woman that despite everything he threw at her, stands tall and strong in front of him. Someone who was able to build from the ashes that were left from my previous life. I'm still hurting but he lost the privilege of knowing what I'm really feeling or thinking. I'll get through the day, even if I need to come home and break down afterwards.. This is the last hurdle to get over. 

[forthetrees]

If your outfit has a pocket, find a special rock aka touchstone to keep with you and if you waver in your composure reach for it and know that we are with you in spirit. If the outfit has no pocket, maybe wear a bracelet that you can reach for for reassurance. It is effed up that he committed polygamy and his family had no qualms.

[WHY]

One Day,

I think that was a perfect way of putting it, off the MLC roller-coaster but still suffering from motion sickness.

Yep it's like riding a wild ride at the carnival, but you stayed on it too long, so you need to get over the motion sickness when your feet are back on solid ground.

I love that you are sorting things out with your therapist.  Slow is not a bad thing, One Day.
You'll figure it out.   

This is a gem of a comment and should be stickied somewhere.  Onward for us all.

[Dragonfly33]

One day, I‘ve been where you are right now last month. I know how it feels, for days I couldn’t sleep knowing that my divorce was imminent. I went to church the day of my divorce. I cried my heart out in the chapel and i prayed that I would be calm during the process and I wouldn’t fall apart in front of him. I brought my rosary in my pocket and every time I felt like breaking down, I reached into my pocket to touch my rosary. I made it without crying. I would suggest you bring something that you can associate with peace and calmness. Don’t show him any weakness in the court. That’s what I did. I didn’t even look at him. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. When I was at the court I remembered all the warriors here that supported me. It helped me as well. We are here with you and you will get through this too.

[PJ Ames]

Sorry you have to go through this tomorrow. I like the advice you've been given about a rosary or touchstone. Something to help you stay calm and grounded.

I think your IC is right - what you're feeling is normal. Feeling lots of different and even contradictory things all at once is normal.

Do you have anything planned for the day after? Something to look forward to?

[Zion]

Note sure if you read her post about the final divorce signing, I liked how Maleficent brought a special pen with her to sign. It empowered her.

I wore red which made me feel a little more powerful that day.

[xyzcf]

Adding my words of encouragement and hope to those of others here.

Feel whatever you feel....this is painful/hard/heartbreaking/ energy draining and 1000 other words and feelings and emotions.

When the day is over, when some time pass, you will turn a page in your book of your life....we are all here with you cheering you on..because this is something that is being done to you.....and face it you will.....and then, eventually you will be able to dry those tears and know that you are the best thing that every happened to him......and that you are more important than you even realize.

((((HUGS)))))

[Standing Strong]

UUhhhhh..... I'm so sorry you have to endure this 1day. 

After all he has done, you have to face him one more time.
I wonder what you will see.....

Will be thinking about you tomorrow.

-SS