[Tailspin]

I know people will tell me to let it all go because my mlcer spouse died but I’m trying to understand the mlc so I can move forward and heal. I’m seeing things I don’t want to see now that hes gone and I’m left with the mess to clean up.

Allie, My healing got much better when I accepted that what they did was no fault of my own and their problem.  I know it sounds easier said than done.  I realized I was never going to make sense of why my wife stopped talking to me, cheated, and left.  My brain was looking for a reason and I finally realized nothing was going to explain it.  I sat in the sadness for a long time till I realized that life goes on and the world is a big place.  Try to look past the logic of it all because there is none to be found.  In my case my wife was a dismissive avoidant and was overwhelmed.  No excuses for her behavior.  Folks are cruel and MLC makes people do awful things.  I stopped trying to figure out the whys and just started living my life again with my family and friends. 

[Helpnewc]

I do agree with Tailspin.

Something that helped me was our Prime Minister in Australia who spoke about his marriage ending suddenly. He was blindsided like most of us and said:

She certainly had a right to make that decision. I didn't understand it, and I needed to stop trying to understand it, if you like, and accept it,"

I spent a lot of time trying to understand it. But it is entirely impossible to. My wife withdrew, stopped talking and collapsed. In the end, I wasted so much time trying to understand what happened but my life started getting better when I focused on acceptance.

It was not easy. But my energy focused on acceptance achieved something and my energy focused on understanding did not.

I got stuck on why does anyone choose this. But I suspect for them there was no choice.