[SunshineAndRain]

Hi everyone, I am new to posting anything here but I have been reading the forum for months. I’m 38, he’s 40. Bomb drop was 3.5 months ago. My ex was extremely clingy for the first few weeks, but has since become a vanisher and I fear I pushed him to become that by setting boundaries early on.

We were together ten years. It is unconventional - we are not married, do not have kids, and did not live together. I have seen people in this forum say if you’re not married and have no kids, why are you standing? But I believe we had a wonderful relationship and I do not think it can easily be replaced. We lived a short walk from each other and saw each other most days. It was a devoted and committed relationship. We share a pet together (lives with me), and were working on his house together in the view that I would live there some day. I never, ever doubted his love for me. It was a very secure relationship, and I trusted him fully. We laughed and laughed every time we were together, and we both have diagnosed anxiety and depression and have supported each other through hard times. For Valentine’s this year he gave me a beautiful card that said ‘Soulmate’ on the front, with two goofy gorgeous fish making the shape of a heart, and inside he says he can’t wait until we are old and grey and walking round the garden together looking at how the plants and insects are getting on. In April, our ten year anniversary, his card said that he couldn’t wait for the next ten years with me, and that the first time he saw me he knew I was the one.

Bomb drop was 29th May. Prior to that I had noticed for 1.5-2 years there had been some gradual changes: weight loss, skin care, teeth whitening, hair loss treatment, exercising more, going to lots of gigs and festivals, staying out after work more, etc. He also began to express anger about his parents and the behaviours they did that he didn’t like: being anxious and timid, not speaking about their emotions, not dealing with problems and being passive, etc. I noticed these things but was not necessarily concerned. I did not know about MLC then.

He began to be selfish in his relationship with a female work colleague. He and she both took time off work to spend the day together. I expressed my feelings were hurt but he made out that I was being jealous and paranoid. In past relationships I had a more anxious attachment style, and found it harder to trust, so I accepted that I was being unreasonable and believed him when he told me I had nothing to be concerned about (I know now that that should have always been a red flag!). But we remained close, and happy, and he wanted to plan our summer and possibly a trip together later in the year.

About a month before BD he began to become very sexual with me. This, I thought, was great because he has always had a very low sex drive. However, one day he told me he wanted to have sex with other people, as he felt there were so many experiences he hadn’t had in life. (He was married before he was with me, and their relationship also lasted ten years.) I told him that he had crossed my boundaries and he apologised. I hadn’t noticed other weird behaviours that day which had included him seeming quite flat and not eating anything.

The next day he wanted to spend the day together but I was hurting from his comment the night before and asked if I could have space for the day just to process, but would still like to meet up in the evening. He said he totally understood. We went for a walk that evening in our favourite place, and sat on a bench we always sat on, and suddenly tears were pouring down his face. I asked why he was crying and he repeatedly said he didn’t know. We went back to his and I pushed more and he said he felt he was depressed: he felt that he had missed out on so much in life, that people younger than him at work were surpassing him in promotions. He didn’t feel like he had achieved much, and he felt he had not met his potential. He was about a month away from turning 40. At that point I Googled around and found an article on midlife crisis, which resonated with what he was reporting. He accepted, at that point, it was MLC. He cried a lot and I gently suggested counselling (I know, I know) or seeing if he could get his medication increased.

He continued to want to see me every day. He told me he loved me every day, and wanted to do everything together that we usually did. Then he had a group trip planned with lifelong friends, as they were all turning 40 this year. He had been excited about it for a long time, and he loves these friends. However, the first night of his trip he isolated himself in their group house and cried all night. The next day he booked a hotel for himself, 45 minutes away from the shared house. My body ran cold when he texted to tell me that. He said he needed to be away from everyone. As the trip went on he kept separating away from the group and doing things by himself. I sent him a document I found on MLC and he read it and found it reassuring.

He always wanted to see me the moment he came back from any type of trip but this time he wanted to be alone. He did want to see me soon after that though, but by the time I saw him he had already decided he wasn’t depressed and that what he was experiencing was a midlife transition, NOT a crisis. He did make an appointment for counselling and told me his counsellor said he had been ignoring what he wanted his whole life and as a result he didn’t know what he wanted, and she was going to help him figure it out. Not long after that he went to visit his parents (he saw them every week without fail) to tell them he wouldn’t be visiting for a while as he had hard decisions to make. He told me, in a roundabout way, that that included about our relationship too. I had been expecting that because I had been reading up about MLC (but he learned to stop mentioning anything ‘midlife’ or ‘crisis’ related to him). He cried a LOT and held me as he cried, saying he did not want to make any rash decisions and blow up his life.

I kept seeing him as normal but it was very painful for me. He had changed. His eyes had changed, his personality, and he switched between being affectionate and being cold and distant. He always told me he loved me. However, one time we were having a good conversation and having a nice time when he looked at me, straight in the eye, and said ‘I never wanted a dependent.’ He then brought up a time when I had depended on him financially as he INSISTED on sending me money each month to cover a certain bill at a time when the price of that bill had gone up 3x due to crazy inflation. I was SO hurt because I remember being really reluctant to accept the support at the time, and had come up with all kinds of repayment plans. He earns 3x more than me and has inherited a lot of money, and other than him helping me with that bill I had always been financially independent. I was so, so hurt. He said I reminded him of his ex wife who had financially abused him.

Despite saying that, he still wanted me to come back to his to spend time in our garden. I said no. He made a few attempts to meet up with me, but my heart was so shattered from three weeks of trying to have a relationship with someone I didn’t recognise, trying always to do things right not to scare him away, that I needed some time to just lie in bed and cry. I asked him to stop telling me he loved me while he was actively auditing our relationship, and he told me that he did feel that way about me but respected the request and stopped. Then there were a few days where nothing was said between us. He waited up until midnight the day before my birthday so he could be the first to wish me a happy birthday, and said it would be great to spend the day with me as he had bought me gifts and it would be good to see me. I felt like I was going crazy - on one hand he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore, on the other hand he wanted to spend time with me as always. I politely declined and said I needed a little more time to recover (I spent the birthday in bed crying, and my mum came round to sit with me just so I wasn’t alone. I was having a breakdown).

Then, a few days of silence followed by him texting that we needed to meet up to talk, face to face. I understood that he’d decided he wanted to break up, but I was in no fit state to leave the house and asked if we could check back in when things calmed down. He agreed. Three weeks passed and I heard nothing from him. I was honesty relieved, I needed a break from the crazy. He turned 40 in this time, but I didn’t reach out on his birthday as I was trying to back off/let go/drop the rope, etc. He sent me a very long text on 6th July saying he wished he’d done it face-to-face but since I’d said no he was breaking up with me over text. It was a long message and quite formal, saying that our futures were no longer compatible and that while he knew it would be a shock to me he had been thinking about it for months. It went on and on, yet said nothing. It was completely unsentimental. There was no ‘thank you for a good ten years’ or anything like that. Again he offered to meet in person to ‘explain’ the reasons, but at that point I knew: it’s MLC, the reasons are not real, it will be blamed on me. I was very proud of my response that I sent the next day, which said ‘Thank you for the clarity. I accept your decision and don’t need to meet up to discuss, but if you ever want to reach out later on I’d be open to that.’ It was my way of saying I was standing without applying pressure or accepting any projection.

I never heard from him since then. I accept that at the very least there is an EA with the work colleague, if not a full blown PA. I also don’t feel like he has been in town much, though I don’t know why. His mum stayed in touch with me and sends me Instagram reels all the time but it’s too painful so I have just stopped using Instagram.

I deleted his number so I won’t be tempted to send emotional messages. I blocked him on social media because seeing pictures and updates will be too painful.

When I started to calm down a little in recent weeks I had a quiet feeling inside that one day he would be back. It was a reassuring feeling and it allowed me to focus so much more on myself, my work, seeing friends, etc. However, it seems that he is a vanished and everything I’ve read suggest vanishers are so unlikely to return. I fear I made him a vanisher because I kept shutting down his attempts to meet up, while I was having a breakdown. Before that happened he was obviously being very clingy, so I’m worried that when I put those boundaries in place I cut off any chance of reconciliation in the future.

Thanks to anyone who reads this giant post!

[xyzcf]

Welcome to HS. You have entered into a difficult and heartbreaking journey.

I was a stander for 17 years. I believe in MLC (although I don't think it matters what label you use) and I believed in the sanctity of marriage so my "stand" came from this inner "knowing" that he would come back and my belief in the permanacy of marriage as taught by my religious upbringing.

He did come back home, 16 1/2 years after he left, although throughout that time, we spent several holidays together with our daughter and he stopped by regularly, texted regularly. He came back when he was diagnosed with cancer...just before he died, he wanted to be married to me again, told me he had always loved me...it wasn't enough and we never got the chance to resolve anything at all.

In all these years, and I have been a very strong advocate of "standing" what I have seen is that very very very few return.

That it takes years and years sometimes for the LBSer to realize, he/she is living another life now.....maybe a good one, maybe not...we can never be sure.

That the LBSer suffers from trauma and needs to find a therapist that can help with that..because our whole world blew up and we had no idea that things would ever go in this direction.

What strikes me most (maybe because a good friend of mine was about your age with two young children when his crisis happened and she is also a stander)...you are 38 years old. I was 55. Not that it makes a great deal of difference what age you are......but I am now 71, alone and unfortunaely somewhat damaged again by his return and death...although I am not sorry he came here to be taken care of..he knew where his safe place was.

I think no contact is a good way to proceed so you can focus on building a new life for yourself...new people...new experiences...new peace and perhaps one day a new love ...but perhaps not focusing on a need to have another person in your life.....just live you life as though he is never coming back.

"If" he gets through his crisis, he will find you again...but there is nothing you can do or say or be that will bring him back to you. You will get to make that choice if it ever arrives.

At least that has been by experience.

You are welcomed here and although not as active as we once were, there is a wealth of knowlegde from the people here. Your situation is unique though and you and you alone can decide what is the best path for you.

Take really good care of yourself, for this causes an unbelievable  amount of  pain and heart ache.

[SunshineAndRain]

Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot to me.

Your story is so heartbreaking, but beautiful too. I’m glad you got to see your husband come back after so, so very long, but that in itself sounds incredibly traumatic and I’m sorry so much was still left unresolved.

I have seen on these forums and everything I’m reading how few return, especially vanishers. It is a hard thing to come to terms with. I had a very traumatic upbringing and had a C-PTSD diagnosis before all of this. I felt safe at last with my person, I never thought this would happen to us, but of course no one does. I hoped because he clung so hard at first that we would make it through together, like we always have, but the odds are so high. I know I am younger than many who have been through this, but I suppose because I have lived through so many experiences in life I feel older, and surer, but I am probably wrong on that too.

I had a therapist when this first started who did not understand MLC, and asked me lots of questions about how I met my partner’s needs and if I appreciated him enough, etc. It made it so much worse, but I have now learned I didn’t cause this and I can’t fix this. I am on a waiting list for free therapy and hope I will get assigned a therapist, and one who will try to understand MLC.

I understand about living my life as if he is never coming back. I will work very hard at doing so. I do not want to date but I know that maybe in time, if I can heal, that I might feel differently. Thank you so much for your words. I really, really appreciate it. I am finding it helpful to read through all kind of stories on here and I’m so grateful to everyone that ever shared what they have been through.