[SunshineAndRain]

Hi everyone, I am new to posting anything here but I have been reading the forum for months. I’m 38, he’s 40. Bomb drop was 3.5 months ago. My ex was extremely clingy for the first few weeks, but has since become a vanisher and I fear I pushed him to become that by setting boundaries early on.

We were together ten years. It is unconventional - we are not married, do not have kids, and did not live together. I have seen people in this forum say if you’re not married and have no kids, why are you standing? But I believe we had a wonderful relationship and I do not think it can easily be replaced. We lived a short walk from each other and saw each other most days. It was a devoted and committed relationship. We share a pet together (lives with me), and were working on his house together in the view that I would live there some day. I never, ever doubted his love for me. It was a very secure relationship, and I trusted him fully. We laughed and laughed every time we were together, and we both have diagnosed anxiety and depression and have supported each other through hard times. For Valentine’s this year he gave me a beautiful card that said ‘Soulmate’ on the front, with two goofy gorgeous fish making the shape of a heart, and inside he says he can’t wait until we are old and grey and walking round the garden together looking at how the plants and insects are getting on. In April, our ten year anniversary, his card said that he couldn’t wait for the next ten years with me, and that the first time he saw me he knew I was the one.

Bomb drop was 29th May. Prior to that I had noticed for 1.5-2 years there had been some gradual changes: weight loss, skin care, teeth whitening, hair loss treatment, exercising more, going to lots of gigs and festivals, staying out after work more, etc. He also began to express anger about his parents and the behaviours they did that he didn’t like: being anxious and timid, not speaking about their emotions, not dealing with problems and being passive, etc. I noticed these things but was not necessarily concerned. I did not know about MLC then.

He began to be selfish in his relationship with a female work colleague. He and she both took time off work to spend the day together. I expressed my feelings were hurt but he made out that I was being jealous and paranoid. In past relationships I had a more anxious attachment style, and found it harder to trust, so I accepted that I was being unreasonable and believed him when he told me I had nothing to be concerned about (I know now that that should have always been a red flag!). But we remained close, and happy, and he wanted to plan our summer and possibly a trip together later in the year.

About a month before BD he began to become very sexual with me. This, I thought, was great because he has always had a very low sex drive. However, one day he told me he wanted to have sex with other people, as he felt there were so many experiences he hadn’t had in life. (He was married before he was with me, and their relationship also lasted ten years.) I told him that he had crossed my boundaries and he apologised. I hadn’t noticed other weird behaviours that day which had included him seeming quite flat and not eating anything.

The next day he wanted to spend the day together but I was hurting from his comment the night before and asked if I could have space for the day just to process, but would still like to meet up in the evening. He said he totally understood. We went for a walk that evening in our favourite place, and sat on a bench we always sat on, and suddenly tears were pouring down his face. I asked why he was crying and he repeatedly said he didn’t know. We went back to his and I pushed more and he said he felt he was depressed: he felt that he had missed out on so much in life, that people younger than him at work were surpassing him in promotions. He didn’t feel like he had achieved much, and he felt he had not met his potential. He was about a month away from turning 40. At that point I Googled around and found an article on midlife crisis, which resonated with what he was reporting. He accepted, at that point, it was MLC. He cried a lot and I gently suggested counselling (I know, I know) or seeing if he could get his medication increased.

He continued to want to see me every day. He told me he loved me every day, and wanted to do everything together that we usually did. Then he had a group trip planned with lifelong friends, as they were all turning 40 this year. He had been excited about it for a long time, and he loves these friends. However, the first night of his trip he isolated himself in their group house and cried all night. The next day he booked a hotel for himself, 45 minutes away from the shared house. My body ran cold when he texted to tell me that. He said he needed to be away from everyone. As the trip went on he kept separating away from the group and doing things by himself. I sent him a document I found on MLC and he read it and found it reassuring.

He always wanted to see me the moment he came back from any type of trip but this time he wanted to be alone. He did want to see me soon after that though, but by the time I saw him he had already decided he wasn’t depressed and that what he was experiencing was a midlife transition, NOT a crisis. He did make an appointment for counselling and told me his counsellor said he had been ignoring what he wanted his whole life and as a result he didn’t know what he wanted, and she was going to help him figure it out. Not long after that he went to visit his parents (he saw them every week without fail) to tell them he wouldn’t be visiting for a while as he had hard decisions to make. He told me, in a roundabout way, that that included about our relationship too. I had been expecting that because I had been reading up about MLC (but he learned to stop mentioning anything ‘midlife’ or ‘crisis’ related to him). He cried a LOT and held me as he cried, saying he did not want to make any rash decisions and blow up his life.

I kept seeing him as normal but it was very painful for me. He had changed. His eyes had changed, his personality, and he switched between being affectionate and being cold and distant. He always told me he loved me. However, one time we were having a good conversation and having a nice time when he looked at me, straight in the eye, and said ‘I never wanted a dependent.’ He then brought up a time when I had depended on him financially as he INSISTED on sending me money each month to cover a certain bill at a time when the price of that bill had gone up 3x due to crazy inflation. I was SO hurt because I remember being really reluctant to accept the support at the time, and had come up with all kinds of repayment plans. He earns 3x more than me and has inherited a lot of money, and other than him helping me with that bill I had always been financially independent. I was so, so hurt. He said I reminded him of his ex wife who had financially abused him.

Despite saying that, he still wanted me to come back to his to spend time in our garden. I said no. He made a few attempts to meet up with me, but my heart was so shattered from three weeks of trying to have a relationship with someone I didn’t recognise, trying always to do things right not to scare him away, that I needed some time to just lie in bed and cry. I asked him to stop telling me he loved me while he was actively auditing our relationship, and he told me that he did feel that way about me but respected the request and stopped. Then there were a few days where nothing was said between us. He waited up until midnight the day before my birthday so he could be the first to wish me a happy birthday, and said it would be great to spend the day with me as he had bought me gifts and it would be good to see me. I felt like I was going crazy - on one hand he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore, on the other hand he wanted to spend time with me as always. I politely declined and said I needed a little more time to recover (I spent the birthday in bed crying, and my mum came round to sit with me just so I wasn’t alone. I was having a breakdown).

Then, a few days of silence followed by him texting that we needed to meet up to talk, face to face. I understood that he’d decided he wanted to break up, but I was in no fit state to leave the house and asked if we could check back in when things calmed down. He agreed. Three weeks passed and I heard nothing from him. I was honesty relieved, I needed a break from the crazy. He turned 40 in this time, but I didn’t reach out on his birthday as I was trying to back off/let go/drop the rope, etc. He sent me a very long text on 6th July saying he wished he’d done it face-to-face but since I’d said no he was breaking up with me over text. It was a long message and quite formal, saying that our futures were no longer compatible and that while he knew it would be a shock to me he had been thinking about it for months. It went on and on, yet said nothing. It was completely unsentimental. There was no ‘thank you for a good ten years’ or anything like that. Again he offered to meet in person to ‘explain’ the reasons, but at that point I knew: it’s MLC, the reasons are not real, it will be blamed on me. I was very proud of my response that I sent the next day, which said ‘Thank you for the clarity. I accept your decision and don’t need to meet up to discuss, but if you ever want to reach out later on I’d be open to that.’ It was my way of saying I was standing without applying pressure or accepting any projection.

I never heard from him since then. I accept that at the very least there is an EA with the work colleague, if not a full blown PA. I also don’t feel like he has been in town much, though I don’t know why. His mum stayed in touch with me and sends me Instagram reels all the time but it’s too painful so I have just stopped using Instagram.

I deleted his number so I won’t be tempted to send emotional messages. I blocked him on social media because seeing pictures and updates will be too painful.

When I started to calm down a little in recent weeks I had a quiet feeling inside that one day he would be back. It was a reassuring feeling and it allowed me to focus so much more on myself, my work, seeing friends, etc. However, it seems that he is a vanished and everything I’ve read suggest vanishers are so unlikely to return. I fear I made him a vanisher because I kept shutting down his attempts to meet up, while I was having a breakdown. Before that happened he was obviously being very clingy, so I’m worried that when I put those boundaries in place I cut off any chance of reconciliation in the future.

Thanks to anyone who reads this giant post!

[xyzcf]

Welcome to HS. You have entered into a difficult and heartbreaking journey.

I was a stander for 17 years. I believe in MLC (although I don't think it matters what label you use) and I believed in the sanctity of marriage so my "stand" came from this inner "knowing" that he would come back and my belief in the permanacy of marriage as taught by my religious upbringing.

He did come back home, 16 1/2 years after he left, although throughout that time, we spent several holidays together with our daughter and he stopped by regularly, texted regularly. He came back when he was diagnosed with cancer...just before he died, he wanted to be married to me again, told me he had always loved me...it wasn't enough and we never got the chance to resolve anything at all.

In all these years, and I have been a very strong advocate of "standing" what I have seen is that very very very few return.

That it takes years and years sometimes for the LBSer to realize, he/she is living another life now.....maybe a good one, maybe not...we can never be sure.

That the LBSer suffers from trauma and needs to find a therapist that can help with that..because our whole world blew up and we had no idea that things would ever go in this direction.

What strikes me most (maybe because a good friend of mine was about your age with two young children when his crisis happened and she is also a stander)...you are 38 years old. I was 55. Not that it makes a great deal of difference what age you are......but I am now 71, alone and unfortunaely somewhat damaged again by his return and death...although I am not sorry he came here to be taken care of..he knew where his safe place was.

I think no contact is a good way to proceed so you can focus on building a new life for yourself...new people...new experiences...new peace and perhaps one day a new love ...but perhaps not focusing on a need to have another person in your life.....just live you life as though he is never coming back.

"If" he gets through his crisis, he will find you again...but there is nothing you can do or say or be that will bring him back to you. You will get to make that choice if it ever arrives.

At least that has been by experience.

You are welcomed here and although not as active as we once were, there is a wealth of knowlegde from the people here. Your situation is unique though and you and you alone can decide what is the best path for you.

Take really good care of yourself, for this causes an unbelievable  amount of  pain and heart ache.

[SunshineAndRain]

Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot to me.

Your story is so heartbreaking, but beautiful too. I’m glad you got to see your husband come back after so, so very long, but that in itself sounds incredibly traumatic and I’m sorry so much was still left unresolved.

I have seen on these forums and everything I’m reading how few return, especially vanishers. It is a hard thing to come to terms with. I had a very traumatic upbringing and had a C-PTSD diagnosis before all of this. I felt safe at last with my person, I never thought this would happen to us, but of course no one does. I hoped because he clung so hard at first that we would make it through together, like we always have, but the odds are so high. I know I am younger than many who have been through this, but I suppose because I have lived through so many experiences in life I feel older, and surer, but I am probably wrong on that too.

I had a therapist when this first started who did not understand MLC, and asked me lots of questions about how I met my partner’s needs and if I appreciated him enough, etc. It made it so much worse, but I have now learned I didn’t cause this and I can’t fix this. I am on a waiting list for free therapy and hope I will get assigned a therapist, and one who will try to understand MLC.

I understand about living my life as if he is never coming back. I will work very hard at doing so. I do not want to date but I know that maybe in time, if I can heal, that I might feel differently. Thank you so much for your words. I really, really appreciate it. I am finding it helpful to read through all kind of stories on here and I’m so grateful to everyone that ever shared what they have been through.

[Nas]

I have seen on these forums and everything I’m reading how few return, especially vanishers. It is a hard thing to come to terms with. I had a very traumatic upbringing and had a C-PTSD diagnosis before all of this. I felt safe at last with my person

I’m very sorry you find yourself here. I wholeheartedly second XYZ‘s advice to focus on yourself. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings, but as time goes on, think about what you want, what makes you feel alive, what are your passions, what do you want for yourself, what kind of life do you want that aligns with who you are and your values and your needs.

I also have CPTSD from childhood trauma and I was struck by your statement about feeling safe at last with your person. And it is important to feel safe with a partner, of course, but most important is to feel safe in your own body and with yourself, and CPTSD especially can make us feel unsafe when something as big as an ending of a stable “constant” happens. That’s really what a divorce or a breakup is, the end of a constant, which can make us feel out of control or like we don’t know what to expect, which triggers the old fight or flight (or freeze) response. You may or may not be experiencing that right now, or you may find that that shows up more over time. I understand your desire to find a therapist who understands MLC, but I would strongly suggest that you go into therapy leading with CPTSD and yourself. A good therapist will want to focus on you and your needs and helping you feel safe independent of any relationship.

I hope you’re doing OK, please take care of yourself. Sending good vibes that you get assigned to therapist soon as well!

[SunshineAndRain]

Thank you so much, nas. I am so sorry you have had to experience both C-PTSD and this mind-bending experience of MLC, it’s a rough combo. The advice to lead with C-PTSD if I’m able to get therapy is excellent, I will do that, as my last therapist also didn’t seem to understand C-PTSD because he was very confronting and pushy, whereas we do better with safer, nurturing environments. I would love to learn how to cope with my C-PTSD more, medication has been great for me but it isn’t enough on its own right now.

I absolutely hear you, it is so important for us to be able to feel safe and whole on our own, but it’s so exhausting after everything we’ve already been through, isn’t it? It feels better when there is another person to feel in a team with, but I know I have to learn to be that by myself and it is helpful for me to read about how you and so many others have been able to do that.

Thanks so much for replying, it brings me hope to see another LBSEr with C-PTSD is able to travel this path ahead of me. Thank you.

[xyzcf]

I understand your desire to find a therapist who understands MLC, but I would strongly suggest that you go into therapy leading with CPTSD and yourself. A good therapist will want to focus on you and your needs and helping you feel safe independent of any relationship.

I spent years researching MLC, talking about MLC, trying to understand..because I thought if I could understand, I would "feel' better. I bought tons of books on saving my marriage and the first therapist I saw, all I talked about was him. I did not find the 1 1/2 years of therapy very helpful.

Many years later, still struggling, I found a therapist who specializes in trauma and the mind body connection and the focus switched to my constant fight/flight/freeze reponse....I eventually understood that whatever was going on with him, it had impacted me far greater than I realized and the work began to rebuild me.

Prior to BD, my childhood and married life had been very easy and very "normal" so I didn't have any previous trauma to heal from. Those who do, have an even greater work to do.

There is a facebook site called "Beyond with Kelson" which covers research that is being done on the brain and how trauma, loss, grief, heartache, abandonment, betrayal etc causes neurological changes in the brain. The articles explain how difficult it is to let go...that it's not because we don't try "hard' enough...it's because there are changes in our actual brain structure.

Unfortunately, the type of therapy I went to, and continue to this day is not covered under my insurance but I am fortunate that I can afford to have this tyoe of therapy.

Other things that I have found helpful is yoga, exercise, journalling and learning something new.

What you are feeling is normal...and allow yourself grace because this really hurts deeply, but, as you will read here...there is healing and a life beyond all this. Don't be hard on yourself, take care of yourself. Ask questions here...the support I received here was also essential to my well being, even when I did not want to hear what people said to me.

Also, I still think RCR's articles are very good to help understand what is happening to our loved one.

[Reinventing]

I also agree with focusing on yourself and going no contact. One of the most important things that I learned through this is that you can't control another person. He is like a ship listing at sea, unstable, not sure what he wants and you don't want to be linked to that, especially while you are traumatised and finding your footing.

Know that you won't always feel this way and that it will get better. Often the MLCer is a highly selfish and self-centered and will want you and the new life at the same time because they want everything their way. They also invent ridiculous reasons about things you did or didn't do for why they left and why they are doing the things they are doing. Don't believe any of it.

You focusing on yourself and finding things that help you heal (and doing more of those), will help you whether you build a new relationship with him in the future or not.

You are the most important thing and you can't control him. MLC usually takes years as they try all kinds of things to make them feel better about themselves and some keep doing that for the long term.

[Baxter1]

So sorry you’re here, but glad you found this place.

I don’t think any of your actions ‘made’ him a vanisher. I think some people are and some people aren’t. Sometimes you can do everything right and it just happens. Also standing is a person decision so there no one size fits all answer. If it works for you then it works for you. I’ve been standing for 3.5 years and my friends still don’t understand it but they do support me in my stand. XY RE and  Nas (and others)are great people and give great advice. Right after BD I came here and it was the best decision I’ve  ever made, well except getting married, despite it all that was a good decision as well.

Good luck and keep working on you!

[SunshineAndRain]

Thank you so much Xyzcf, Reinventing and Baxter1. It’s a comfort to know other people understand this pain, though I wish none of us had to go through this.

Xyzcf, have you been able to try EMDR? I have heard it is very good for trauma. Unfortunately I am in the UK, we have free healthcare which is wonderful but the mental health services are very poor. I don’t expect that even if I get counselling they will have any sort of specialism, but I have been lucky in the past getting assigned a counsellor who understood trauma so I hope it can happen again. I’m so glad it benefitted you! I will look up the Beyond the Kelson group. I am reading through RCR’s articles and have read through HB’s book twice. I do find comfort in knowledge at the moment.

Reinventing, thank you so much. There was so much cake-eating going on in the three weeks after BD which is why I had to set boundaries. He wanted to see me every day even though he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me. Wanted to tell me he loved me, hold hands, be romantic, buy me gifts. It was so confusing and painful!

Baxter1, thank you - I always need to remind myself it isn’t my fault. It just defies logic in such a giant way by brain tries to solve the puzzle by picking it apart and examining it from every angle and I’m somewhat powerless to that. Yes, standing feels right to me too, for now. I know what I had. I already sense friends and family being perplexed that I am not over this already, so I can quite imagine how confused the people in your life must be but I am so glad they support your stand! Once I stopped forcing myself to accept that it was over forever and I needed to move on, right now, I was able to relax more. It is just what is right for me at this time.

Journalling:

Today I went to an event for women in my town who want to build connections in the community, where we got to make a candle. I love going to creative things, but my tendency is always to turn whatever I make at these kinds of events into a gift to give to someone. I decided in advance that I was going to make the candle for me. I really enjoyed decorating the candle with pressed flowers. I enjoyed being round the other women but the whole time I was shaking with grief. The event was held not a few minutes from my ex’s house, where just earlier this year I was every day. I didn’t think it would be a problem, but maybe it was and that is why my body was reacting that way.

When the event finished I was about to walk home, but I ordered lunch at the venue and sat by myself, just because it was a weekend and I am currently spending most weekends at home by myself. I live in a town apart from my friends and family. I have never lived in this town without being in the relationship with my ex, so it all feels very triggering. I don’t have the option to move away right now, or for the foreseeable future, and there is no one I can stay with. I love my friends and see them as much as I can, though they are all busy with their own lives which I understand, and sometimes I don’t have the strength for it.

When I got home I threw myself into reading every thread I could find here about vanishers. I suppose I was trying to solve two questions (dangerous, I now know). One was that I wanted to see if anyone else felt they had ‘forced’ their MLCer to become a vanisher - I noticed quite a few people had CBs at first who then vanished, and I noticed Xyzcf had even asked the same question of herself all that time ago! It is funny that we have our own script as we try to work things out. The second thing was that I wanted to see if a vanisher ever came back. That was an almighty mistake. I read, and read, and read and saw only one example. This set off such an outpouring of grief and despair from me, such hopelessness, that I know that was a bad idea for me to have done that and I will make sure not to do that again.

I am trying, every day, to focus on myself and GAL. It is probably too soon for me to be pushing myself as hard as I have been. For two months I took up swimming and it really helped me, then I had another breakdown and since that time the thought of swimming fills me with dread and brings up all the feelings I was having back then. I have gotten better since that time, I was in denial then to a huge extent and just trying to burn through each day as quickly as I could so I would be, in my mind, one step closer to when the nightmare would end. Now I have come to accept that this is, in fact, real and I guess I am in a stage swinging between bargaining and grief. I look back at the person who was swimming so fiercely as someone who was naive but also trying to be brave and I feel compassion for myself. My ex always told me he was so proud of how brave I had been to get through the experiences in my life that I had come through, and I know I have to feel proud of myself now because of this, what has happened, would have always been my worst nightmare and sometimes while I feel I will never get through it, I see that I have tried. I see the person shaking in grief trying to make a candle, feeling so lost in the world but trying anyway, and I HAVE to feel proud of that because if it was anyone else in my life I would be proud of them.

[xyzcf]

Sunshineandrain...I wrote earlier "allow yourself some grace"...I think we all did what you are doing, searching for some "hope"...indeed I did not think I would ever be ok if he did not return...but I was.

The triggers you experience are also very familiar to me. His place, where you have so many memories is a huge trigger. Give yourself some grace.

I never tried EMDR although others here have.

I want to share this polyvagal chart with you. It really helped me to figure out how my physiology was responding...but it was introduced to me several years after BD by the amazing therapist that I have. Still, printing it out might help you to find what allows you to return to the green area.

https://lissarankin.com/polyvagal-theory-interoception-a-neuroscience-understanding-of-attachment-trauma/polyvagal-chart/

There is a lot on the internet as well that explains this theory.

I already sense friends and family being perplexed that I am not over this already, so I can quite imagine how confused the people in your life must be but I am so glad they support your stand!

They can't get it...I think because it has never happened to them. Before BD, I always thought that divorce was something that both people agreed to, that their marriages had not been good for a long time...oh boy, was I ever wrong!

When I was looking after my husband in his cancer journey, a good friend said to me "xyzcf, why are you doing this? He can afford to hire people to take care of him"....no amount of money would have "bought" him the continuity of care that I was able to provide...not only am I a nurse...but I loved this man, he is family and our daughter was relieved that he was here with me. I don't regret his coming home and indeed I feel looking after him was a "gift".

But, each of us are allowed to decide what we wish to do regarding contact, standing, finding another love...no one has the right to tell us what is right for us.

You will be given many different views, both from family and friends as well as on HS. Take what fits for you and leave the rest behind.

Have you talked to a lawyer about your rights? You were in a common law relationship for 10 years and as hard as it might be to think about this, you might be entitled to some financial compensation. I absolutely did not want to do anything as I thought he would always be fair with me..he was not...it might be worth having a consult...I also didn't want to push him further a way but nothing we say or do will make any difference anyway.

Keep writing here, asking questions. Have you a friend who understands what you are going through? I needed to talk and talk and talk to my best friends just to help calm me down.

Take care