[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

I have been thinking about this sort of thing lately, Thundarr, about how our culture shapes our views on issues like divorce.  Fact is, if myself and my husband were living in, say, Nepal, neither of us would be so concerned with whether we were "happy" or not; instead, we'd be quite content day to day scrounging enough food to keep body and soul together.  The existential questions like whether I've arrived or not, how I measure up to my peers, and whether I'm completing life's "checklist" wouldn't come into play at all, I don't guess.
Or if we lived in the Congo, maybe not getting kidnapped or shot day to day would satisfy our sense of accomplishment.  Beth Moore, a Christian teacher/speaker has said that, "Few people have grateful hearts like captives who have been freed or the afflicted who have been healed."  I love being an American but it has spoiled me to a certain degree and I am not sure how to make sure I stay grounded.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I watched six magicians perform at a special place the other night. They were awesome. I mean remarkable. I know that it was an illusion and a trick. But during the show, I let go of reality and speculation and just marveled at each performer and admired their work.

Thundarr, MLC takes faith. You have to have faith in your w, faith in yourself, and faith in GOD that all will come back into place. What you seek is not in an article, or a seminar, or a good speech. It is not about alpha or beta traits, it is about being honest and true to yourself. When I talk about self work and making changes, I am not saying start all over. The MLCer feels that by going back, they can start over. They think they are starting everything "new" and in the end replay really ends when the MLCer realizes nothing has changed and that have torn up their own farm. The LBSer doesn't throw out their identity- they refine and enhance that which is already there. It is what is within you and your belief that all will come out fine.

Right now, enjoy your daughters and you wonderful son. Let go and just believe. Forget the dating websites and just be content with what you have right now. A family that loves you and that you love. Trust and have faith that she will come back. No need to jump ship or throw in the towel. Stand aside and let GOD work on your wife and stop analyzing her.

Once you let go and start living for you and the children, then the magic can begin.

God bless you and your children

[Tsunami]

Beautiful post Ready.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, great job sir!

[RivenIN2]

I truly believe that our answers will not be found in statistics or articles. MLC is the ignored situation for many reasons, but I think mostly because it puts holes in so many theories and belief systems that no one wants to admit it could happen even to them. It is always hardest to admit you are a member of a group that could have something terrible happen to you, easier by far to stay safely tucked into whatever belief system you subscribe to and keep your blinders on whenever something like this comes along to endanger it.

[Thundarr]

Very true, Riv.  Very true.  Everyone likes to think they are immune to things they detest in others and we also feel like we really are governed by free will.  We also like to think that living right and doing what society teaches is proper will protect us from tragedies and heartaches in our life but sadly we were mistaken.

Ready, I do focus about 99% of my attention on me and the kids but the reality is that I see the pain etched in their faces.  I may be in the minority, but I cannot find a way to feel truly happy if I know my kids are suffering or miserable.  I could be sick as a dog but laugh hysterically, but if one of my kids is sick I'm in no mood to laugh.  Probably to empathetic and emotional on my part but oh well.  Yesterday D11 was dropped off by W because W was going out to eat with D19.  D11 was very bratty toward me and completely dissed the coming home gift I got her.  I believe W feels like she dumps the kids on me when she doesn't want to be bothered with them and they feel it too.  Before anyone suggests the visitation schedule, let me say that I want to send them the message that I am always happy to have them and would have them every day if possible (and I usually do).  I feel that knowing they are ALWAYS wanted by at least one parent will help prevent them from internalizing the damage to their self esteem and spending the rest of their lives feeling unwanted or unworthy as I see so many kids in treatment do.  They know this is home and that Mommy is like an aunt who picks them up, spoils them and then brings them home.  I am the parent and I want them to have as much security as I did at their age even though I know it is harder on me.

[Dontgiveup]

I truly believe that our answers will not be found in statistics or articles. MLC is the ignored situation for many reasons, but I think mostly because it puts holes in so many theories and belief systems that no one wants to admit it could happen even to them. It is always hardest to admit you are a member of a group that could have something terrible happen to you, easier by far to stay safely tucked into whatever belief system you subscribe to and keep your blinders on whenever something like this comes along to endanger it.

I have found many answers in articles.  But information about MLC probably will not be found in articles that are not about MLC.

One of the reasons I became familiar with Jim Conway's materials is because I am of the same belief system he is.  As Conway describes, being a part of a belief system does not stop life's processes.

Here is something RCR writes in the article A Midlife Metaphor that I believe fits with what Conway is saying.

The danger is from those who do not understand and are thus unaccepting of this natural state and seek to fix the problem

[BonBon]

I was looking forward to reading this since I'm a BB and my H is as well..the last year of BB's actually.

I don't think this article in any way explained anything actually.  They say economic feasability is part of the reason...well sure, lots of women can now support themselves but that doesn't mean you're going to divorce.

They touch on indidelity...duh....tell me WHY all the infidelity please. 

I think this article did not even scrape the surface...and this woman interviewed was an expert?
No wonder there is so little to be found out there on these issues...thank God for this forum, eh?

Wed, my H has admitted many times he would not be having an MLC if he lived in the Sudan...or Syria...etc....I 100% believe this is cultural in large part.

Bon

[Doc Hudson]

I watched six magicians perform at a special place the other night. They were awesome. I mean remarkable. I know that it was an illusion and a trick. But during the show, I let go of reality and speculation and just marveled at each performer and admired their work.

Thundarr, MLC takes faith. You have to have faith in your w, faith in yourself, and faith in GOD that all will come back into place. What you seek is not in an article, or a seminar, or a good speech. It is not about alpha or beta traits, it is about being honest and true to yourself. When I talk about self work and making changes, I am not saying start all over. The MLCer feels that by going back, they can start over. They think they are starting everything "new" and in the end replay really ends when the MLCer realizes nothing has changed and that have torn up their own farm. The LBSer doesn't throw out their identity- they refine and enhance that which is already there. It is what is within you and your belief that all will come out fine.

Right now, enjoy your daughters and you wonderful son. Let go and just believe. Forget the dating websites and just be content with what you have right now. A family that loves you and that you love. Trust and have faith that she will come back. No need to jump ship or throw in the towel. Stand aside and let GOD work on your wife and stop analyzing her.

Once you let go and start living for you and the children, then the magic can begin.

God bless you and your children

I agree wholeheartedly except for two things:

1. If God lets terrible things happen at the hands of Adolph Hitler, Jerry Sandusky, Charlie Manson, etc., why would he even bother with the comparatively trivial hardships that I am facing at the hands of my wife?  I'm confused as to why would he let such evil hurt so many people but somehow, just for me, he is going to step in to stop the evil that I am faced with.  I am not saying that God doesn't step in on occasion, but I can clearly point to an overwhelming number of events where I can't see that he did.  If "letting God handle it" results in the Holocaust, I think I will do what I can to handle it myself.

2. The hypocrisy that we espouse when we tell each other and ourselves that "we have to live our lives as if they are not coming back" and then immediately qualify that statement by advising against finding someone else as a mate and a partner.  Sure, sure, we don't want anyone to rush into another bad relationship, but... quite frankly, we are giving up years of our lives waiting around for someone that's just not worth our time any more.   My candid advice for anyone in our situation is to figure out how to spot the other time bombs out there and then find someone who will actually care about you and respect you as a human being.

Look, I don't mean to dash the hopes of anyone out there, but our future is in OUR hands and its up to us to go and get it.  And to the extent that someone doesn't want to share our furutre with us, that's their choice, not ours.

[Thundarr]

I think my W is worth it...........

[Doc Hudson]

Tell me, Thundarr, let's say that you are dating a woman and she tells you "I'm just not in love with you and I'm going to start spending my time with someone else.", what would you do?  How would you interpret that?  Would you just tell yourself that "she's worth it" and not date anyone else?  Or would you just say "Wow, that sucks.  Oh well.  Let me get your stuff." and just move on with your life?  What would you advise one of your patients to do?