[Synicca]

I know my H said that, Ow has been sexually abused by an uncle, abused by her second H. AND that
her mom beat her. Yah, I dont believe that one bit!!

I KNOW what its like to be "abused" ( Not happy about it, but I know ) and someone who has
been abused by their b/f or H have "issues" with fighting. They DO NOT fight back.
mostly abused momen cower down to an abusive man. They do not start a fight...My h's Ow
has HIT my H. called him every name in the book. Told him " He was scum of the earth"

He has told her that she is a "C" "ow" B*tch" You name it...He has never hit her...( surprised, cause I would have )

He said The first night they went out "as a couple" She got out of the car ( at a bar, which was HER hangout )
Left him standing outside, went straight to her friends and ignored him for about 30 minutes he said.

For instance...one time he said, They were kissing and She had her eyes open, looking at a sign  READING IT!

She admitted to that!  Its all about the "game" for her. She wants to be the winner. The last word kinda person.
but so is my H.
SO they butt heads alot. He told me that when he has "cried" in front of her, She says " What the hell you cryin for?"

Now, I see him "backing off" "letting things slide" Doesn't engage in fights as much.

She is " playing nice" ( as much a s she can anyway ) He thinks she is "getting used to ME being in the picture" 
That she isnt so jealous of me anymore...Ha!  dumb*ss hahaha

[truth_seeker]

I agree with you LG about the MLCers treating the Ow's like dog sh*t...They really do..I have heard my H tell
his Ow that.....

" Your such a ow and maybe liked being sexually abused as a child, thats why your such a b*tch"

Yep! I heard him tell her that! I was on the phone with him one day back in Dec. and he flat out said that to her!

He admits he treats her like crap! but I also see that HE DOESNT trust her, Because SHE SLEPT WITH A MARRIED MAN! 

I also believe in my H's case, he is working out issues with this behaviour. I truly believe he needs to see that
things CAN and HAVE been HIS fault. He is taking blame for alot of things...even when he shouldnt right now.

IDK, but that is what I see..AND his OW is not a pretty person either...I seen a pic of her a couple of weeks
ago and for a minute I thought it was her mother....I even said to H.." OMG is that her MOM?"

LMAO!! he said " nooooooo that OW" 

I was shocked really...she looked OLD!! and she is 38, most of our friends and family have been shocked
to see she isnt older...because she looks "Used up" If ya know what I mean?

My H has said the same things, even went so far as to brag about how he treats OW like crap.  Said if she doesn't like it she can leave.    Umm H, YOU live in her public housing home.    But OW is very manipulative and plays it off like she's saving H from the evil W and the kids who don't love him anymore.  But OW and her kid LOVE him sooooo much.  Even put a note on the refrigerator which said "H OW & her kid LOVE YOU SOO MUCH!"  so our kids would see it when H was sneaking them to their "love shack" or should I say "OW's lair".   

As for your description of OW it's the very much the same here.  They looked used up at 38 because they ARE USED UP! Yuck!!!  They didn't get that way for nothing.  H's OW is 37 yrs old, smokes like a chimney, had wrinkles all over, bad skin, bad hair and also looks like H's evil step-M which I believe he's needed to work through from childhood.  She even puts her hair up in a messy ponytail / bun just like his SM.  It may not be his M but it is his F's current wife and tormenter of his youth. 

We can "see" it but they can not.  YET.  In time I believe he will be disgusted by her as she is the exact opposite of me in every way. 

[truth_seeker]

Kids witnessed BD.!!!!!The crap from the Dollar store was a 2nd impression

OMG!  That's the same experience we had.  The dollar store stuff was a graduation present to my D from her F which D immediately identified was hand picked by OW.  Stuff D would NEVER use!  How thoughtful. NOT   

[hampc0cv]

I don't know how my exh is treating the ow but I do not believe he is mean to her or calls her names.  He never did that with me or even anyone else.  He just didn't do that.  That is what makes me think he will stay with her.  He did tell my daughter when she asked if ow told h im what to do and he said she doesn't tell me sh t.  I think she stays low because she doesn't want to rock the boat and she wants to keep him there.  So she goes along with everything he says or does because she doesn't want to loose  him and wants him to stay so she won't even do anything to make him mad..  They have been seen out together by a friend of mine and she said that when they came in the club the ow went on into the dance area and he went to bar and ordered a drink.  She also said he didn't look happy but I believe that is a front or just his look at that time since he seen my friend.  I don't know anything that he is doing because he has no contact with me.  I hate that.  I just wish he would talk to me or at least acknowledge me.  Believe it or not the ones that have contact are lucky in my eyes.  I feel like the hate towards me is so bad that he can't stand the sight of me.  That feeling is so horrible.  I feel like he wishes I were dead.  My youngest even treats me this way sometimes and I can't figure it out.  My oldest did tell me that when H left that he really messed up my youngest.  We don't have our youngest anymore like we used to.  He has cause all of this.

I would love to be able to just talk to him like a human being but he doesn't even want that.

[truth_seeker]

She also said he didn't look happy but I believe that is a front or just his look at that time since he seen my friend.  I don't know anything that he is doing because he has no contact with me.  I hate that.  I just wish he would talk to me or at least acknowledge me.  Believe it or not the ones that have contact are lucky in my eyes.  I feel like the hate towards me is so bad that he can't stand the sight of me.  That feeling is so horrible.  I feel like he wishes I were dead.  My youngest even treats me this way sometimes and I can't figure it out.  My oldest did tell me that when H left that he really messed up my youngest.  We don't have our youngest anymore like we used to.  He has cause all of this.

I would love to be able to just talk to him like a human being but he doesn't even want that.

I highlighted the two points to address from my perspective and hope it may give you some comfort.  1st point: Lucky maybe? Personally, not so much. In all honesty, the less contact I have with my H the less drama I have in my life.  Therefore, I'm focused on looking within myself and begin to heal.  I cycle less when not around H because I can build up my strength.  I choose when to return his calls.  I choose when to engage.  "I" not "H" any more for as long as "I" can do it.  OP always talks about taking this time and using to your advantage to grow and heal for you and your kids.  As much as YOU can through this.

2nd point:
Everything you said about the treatment, the wishing you were dead, etc. is part of the MLC script.  I have and continue to have this from H but it hasn't been able to infect me like it used to because I know look at from a different perspective.  H has lost his mind at this moment and I can't do anything about it but let go.  Let go of the rope, let go of the anger, resentment, etc. Let it go.  That's not to say to forget.  The time will come when it will need to be worked out, but he's in Replay at the moment.  As for your youngest.  I have gone through the identical thing with my S.  Read my thread.  It only begins to touch on what my S has been going through.  They cycle and test just as the MLC does.  They are in pain.  But I can tell you from experience it is a process to work through and they come back.  When my S is with his F I have to go through the process of disinfecting him all over again until he feels safe, secure and loved again. 

Hope this gives you food for thought and comfort to know you're not alone.  We all know how you feel and are here for you.  So sorry you are going through this but time is truly on your side if you make the best use of it. 

Speaking of time -gotta run to take my S to his first ball game with the new HS team.   He made it!!!  I'm so proud of him!!!

Much love to you!
TS

[hampc0cv]

Truth seeker,

Thanks,  It does help but I would help me if he would talk to me becasue at least then I know he was thinking of me.  It is like I do not even exist.  At lease with contact they know you exist. 

Youngest has always been very verbal and could tear you down with her mouth but it has gotten so much worse.  Her sister said she doesn't even know how to talk to an adult.  She is so hateful with her words and actions.  I am afraid to say anything to her because she bite my hear off most of the time and then I get defensive and the fight is on.  Before any of this happened and her dad left my youngest and her sister got into it because of the way my youngest was talking to her dad.  Oldest told her to not talk to him that way and they got into it and oldest smacked her and their dad had to get inbetween them and pull them apart.  I was at work and youngest called and told me and yelled at me and said I was taking sides.  I didn't even know what happened until I got home and Oldest was upset and crying because of what had happened.  I am so worried about my youngest and I can see her going down wrong paths.  I can see she is messed up but she is handling it in the wrong way.  Her dad doesn't even care or he can't see it because youngest is good at putting on a front just like him.  Maybe something will happen that will wake both of them up.

Thanks for listening.

Also, has anyone heard of an MLCer going thru a third party to reconcile?  My oldest says she thinks her dad will go thru her to find out if I would talk to him once he realizes what he has done since he will not talk to me now.  I often think of ways he might come back and believe me I have thought of a lot of things.  I keep hoping he will do something but nothing yet.  I think he has been in MLC a long time because I just found out that he told youngest in 2004 that ne didn't think he wanted to be married but he never said a thing to me until October of 2010.  Can MLC be going on this long or what would you call it?

[Synicca]

Hamp,

I know how hard it is not to have contact...but...just a thought. Have you tried to contact him?

I know sometimes its better to leave them alone when they are in full Monster Swing, but maybe
he thinks YOU dont care?

Just my thoughts

It gets better!

Hugs

[hampc0cv]

I have contacted in back when he first left but he acted like he didn't want to talk and never tried to contact me.  Now I am afraid to contact him because of the rejection.  I hate that feeling and since he hasn't contacted me I feel he doesn't want to talk to me.  It is like he can't stand me.  He knows I would welcome any contact because his d mentioned it back when he left.

[Synicca]

How long has it been since you last spoke directly to him??

Look, this is just my .02 but really, what have you got to lose? You have allready lost him to MLC
and just take a deep breath right before you call, or whatever. Then be PREPARED for rejection.

YOU are not the bad person here. YOU did NOTHING wrong. SO if he yells...Just say good bye.

Its simple. We get so scared of rejection, we lose our own voice. stand up, be strong! YOU CAN DO IT!

Have faith in yourself, Hamp...really have faith.

Hugs

[Dontgiveup]

Hamp

You don't need to talk to him to know he is thinking of you.  Especially while they are in replay, their thoughts about their spouse can lean toward the negative side.  I learned that from someone who went through MLC.  Allow him the time and space he needs.

As he progresses through the tunnel and his depression begins to lift, his thoughts and memories will become more positive.  It's better to let them start pursuing you.  When you contact and pursue the MLCer, it puts emotional pressure on them.

Be still and be patient.