[superdog]

Hee hee my iPad changed the word physical to physical. Not what I meant at all.

I guess my point in this all was to say this is not about you, it's about them.

I care not a jot about the OP in my situation. I also no longer care what my actually did with her As it doesn't matter, the result was the same regardless.

I kinda just want to give hope to the new people here. It is the most horrible part in terms of how we view ourselves because of it, but also for people to know that these op's are not what they think they are.

My examples were merely to give an insight into the screwed up minds they have.

Strange that they don't want to destroy the spouse yet their actions do just that to begin with.

I guess the mirror is why we hear so often that they are female versions of themselves yada yada yada.

Hopefully us oldies can give some hope.

Sd
X

[Dontgiveup]

My view would be similar to Seaching4Answers.

From RCR in one of the threads
But when Sweetheart was with the alienator I did not feel jealous—ever. I did not ever feel like he preferred her over me or that she had something (positive) to offer that I did not.
I did not feel those tings because I knew he was lost and that the crisis and his choices were not about me. Just because your wife his presently choosing an alienator does not mean she prefers that alienator. She is choosing the person out of her projections and need to escape and avoid and he is serving those needs.

[Searching4Answers]

I was looking back over what I wrote - when is my heart going to catch up to my head? It frustrates me that I can see the why's, I can understand the reasons but I still get all emotional and cycle.

My head knows this is not about me but my heart doesn't

[superdog]

Hmmmmm  just my opinion but I don't think many people instantly thought my h is in crisis and it's not about me. We all just found out that our spouses were involved with someone else, not the first thing that springs to mind to not be jealous and not about me. I think that's rear view mirror stuff.

S4A, the only answer is eventually honey. And that's the whole reason behind my opinion of what RCR writes in the quote from DGU.

The thread was to help others to the eventually stage, cos it isn't instant, we do feel jealous and we do feel and hear that our h's prefer the OP. Those words don't go away and they stay in our hearts for a long time eating away at it. Until that is our hearts catch up with our heads.

SD
X

[Anjae]

My views on the other person. They are a bandaid but a very damaging one. Probably the most damaging bandaid our MLCer get involved with during their crisis. The other person is significantly and has a big weight in the whole MLC. Lets not kid ourselves, our spouses not only had an affair but, in many cases, lived with someone else while married at us.

I've never felt jealous of OW1 or OW2. But I differ from RCR. For me Mr J (albeit his crisis self) choose to be with OW1 and OW2. Since this is his crisis and he is responsible for is choices, those choices include both OW1 and OW2. I also differ from RCR because I think, clearly, the MLCer (while in crisis) prefers the other person to us. Again, this is the MLCer crisis, that is the MLCer preference.

I hold Mr J 1000% responsible and both OW1 and OW2 responsible for their part in the whole thing. OW1 and OW2 do not get a free pass from me nor do I thing they were poor innocent things, dragged to the whole mess. They were adult women, they are responsible for their actions and choices.

[kikki]

Hmmmmm  just my opinion but I don't think many people instantly thought my h is in crisis and it's not about me. We all just found out that our spouses were involved with someone else, not the first thing that springs to mind to not be jealous and not about me. I think that's rear view mirror stuff.

SD, I was the opposite.  My H was clearly not coping with life and had some sort of mental/emotional breakdown. It was obvious to me and the boys that this had nothing to do with me.
I couldn't understand why such a messed up man would want to complicate his life by bringing a dysfunctional woman into the mix, when he clearly couldn't leave me alone.

[forthetrees]

It appears that many OP are co-workers of the MLCer. I have watched a situation unfold at work of a wanna be OP pursue a married man. OP has gone out of her way to flatter and spend time with the object of her fascination and with persistence and the excessive ego stroking has indeed turned his head. It makes me sick but it is interesting to see how the OP operates. I realize that the OP wants the family life of the MLCer and will do just about anything to get it WITHOUT realizing that it is the family unit that makes the magic. The MLCer on his part caves in to the flattery over time. I think it becomes an irresistible ego boost. They probably rationalize it by telling themselves that the OPs threw themselves at them.

[Rookie13]

Great thread superdog! 

And good post also FTT,  I have seen that myself 'on more than one occasion' and 'realize' also that so many affairs happen at work! Where we spend the 'other 8 hrs' when we are not sleeping..hmmm

[Anjae]

Like Kikki, I always knew it was not about me. Even remember telling Mr J, that has nothing to do with me. Mr J was a mess, he himself had said several times he was depressed.

I realize that the OP wants the family life of the MLCer and will do just about anything to get it WITHOUT realizing that it is the family unit that makes the magic.

Not all other person want the family life the MLCer has. Think that may be valid to many of the original other person (in Mr J case it was true of OW1) but if the MLCer has subsequent OW/OM that have never knew the MLCer has part of a marriage, those other persons are not after the family life the MLCer had.

They may be after fame, money, or something else, but not after the married and family life. For Mr J that is OW2. And I must say OW2 has been far of a problem than OW1.

OW1 was after the great husband, the married life, the family man. Mr J, on the other hand, did not wanted to be a husband or lead a family life and OW1 left him when she finally realise that clubbing and DJing were more important to him. OW2 never knew the family man/great husband, she approves of his clubbing lifestyle and has been around for nearly 6 years.

[Darth Obo]

Ok, ill bite and offer a more Draconian view! Two possible scenarios:

- if the OP doesnt know you or that MLCer is married = MLCer fault
- if the OP knows you or knows the MLCer is married = both at fault

Both OM knew wife was married; OM1 actually knew me. I held both responsible and just as much fault if not more for messing with another man's wife. Both got confronted; both have been warned! Both have earned exactly what "karma" will bring them. I feel no pity for either of them. I view them with the same contempt and disgust as the enemy we fought in the desert. The are sub-human and deserve no quarter!

OPs should be delt with swiftly and firmly when discovered! MLCer should catch some serious LBS Monster / b!tc# Mode and feet held to the fire as long as they are engaged inappropriately with OP.

I know most will not agree with me and I expect some 2x4 attempts, but for me, this is standing up to the total disrespect the MLCer and OP is giving to the LBS. If nothing else, it shows both that you will not be disrespected and pushed around!

Also, at least in my case, I see this as protecting the MLCer. I am also protecting the family unit and the marriage from the poor decisions of the MLCer that could potentially force major life altering decisions on my part. I cant forgive a PA, so for me, busting the EAs and staying on her butt about it keeps me from crossing that bridge!

True it can drive the MLCer away or monster them, but so what? I personally dont believe it will change the outcome. The will either return or they wont and nothing we do will change that!


OBO