[Trustandlove]

I would like to start a thread on this --- I think all of us feel it at some point; some more than others.  RCR writes a bit about it, saying that it is our FEAR that holds us back.  I think that's true, but we don't talk much about it.

Fear and anxiety run hand in hand.  OK, I'm one who does get anxious; one of the things that I have done as part of my mirror work has been to get a lot of those worries and anxieties under control.  I've pretty much got all the "day-to-day" worries under control, for example I no longer stew for ages over which washing machine to buy, worry that I haven't got the best one, that kind of thing... 

I laugh now, actually, to think how much of a worrier/perfectionist I was.   All that's gone, and I am so glad.  That's a change for ME. 

But that's an aside.

Here I'm talking about the huge FEAR we all have, the one that makes us think that our MLCer will be the one who gets stuck, the FEAR that we have that we won't cope, the FEAR that makes us 'try' just one more thing.  The FEAR that keeps us from trusting in the process. 

And yes, I'm starting this because I suddenly, in the middle of the night, felt this FEAR grip my heart again.  Heart pounding and everything.   I haven't felt it that strongly since the early days, and don't like it.   Getting out of bed and getting on with my day helped; but this terror, the fear that I will have to stand and watch while I'm just replaced and what have you, really doesn't help me.

Of course, the first worry is that it means that something horrible is about to happen....  that H is about to drop another bomb.  And then the worry elevator gets going.....

How do we recognise this?  I think that's one of the keys.  It's important to distinguish fear from intuition -- fear gets in the WAY of intuition.    I was pleased that at least I recognised it as fear, and tried to meditate on it, to let myself feel it.  But I didn't like that....

How to handle this???  ignore, feel, talk, what?    How to regain equilibrium and stand from a position of strength, rather than fear?  I was looking through the articles again and it gets lots of mentions in passing, but not it's own article.  Can we come up with one??

[growing every day]

Fear.... wow I have a lot to say about this.

In the beginning my fear was that I was not a good person. That I caused my H to run in to another person's arms. That I was not the perfect wife and that had I been, this would not have happened.

Then the fear turned to OMG .. what now? What do I do? How do I get him back? How will I survive without him?What will happen to me and my kids?

Slowly the fear turned in to realizing that this is not an easy fix and I feared the process. Can I do what I need to do to myself to make myself in to the best person I can be? Can I not fear losing him? Can I let it go?

Now my fear is what I am learning. Learning to walk through any fear I have and accepting it for what it is. This to me is the hardest part. I am detaching so much that I fear I may detach all the way. BUT this is not a bad thing. Fear can be good if you take it for what it is. It is your minds natural instinct when you face something unnatural. And lets face it nothing about this situation is natural.

I am detaching, but I still have days when those insecurities come in to play. I'm trying to take these moments as learning opportunities. Sometimes the old adage of fake it till you make it works. If you keep living. going forward and face those fears, I am finding that I'm not faking it as much. I'm making it much more than I think I even realize.

Fear can be paralyzing, or it can be liberating once you accept it for what it is.

Just my .02

[LifeGoesOn]

Thank you for these great thought-provoking insights T&L and ged.

My fears, that I still find poking out here and there on occasion, all boil down to uncertainty. The fears must be taken out and examined.

I step back and try to put them in the big picture. Like, the yellowstone supervolcano may erupt any day now. (The Jackson Lake bed continues to rise) Can I control it? No. So I do not focus on it, or give it much thought at all, ever. Do you? Probably not. Life is uncertain, and we live with it everyday. So why does this uncertainty drive us nuts?

Positive thinking is the biggest cure for this anxiety, I have found. Still, at times, I find myself wondering if I am just kidding myself. Byron Katie wrote a book called "Loving What Is". She says to ask yourself 4 questions about your thought or belief. I will try to summarize them here but remember, the whole book is about these 4 questions.
1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know it is true?
3. How do I react when I think that thought?
4. Who would I be without that thought?
 and
Turn it around, then find 3 examples of how the turnaround is true in your life.

The book takes you step by step through each of these questions, in many areas of life and relationships. I recommend it.

[Standing in Patience]

Here are my fears...

1) Have I done too much damage in my response to him leaving me and children? I did all the "normal" stuff. I begged, I pleaded, I tried to reason. I told him later that I thought he might be experiencing a mlc. I sent him articles about it. What if I was totally nonplused (really, how could I have but 20/20 hindsight you wonder) instead? He says it's not mlc but something "more". How much more can you get than mlc, folks???

2) I accepted the "blame" early on.. that I was busy with kids, work, sick parents who needed tending. Could I have not "leapt" to a response to his blame and if I had stayed quiet early on, then he would have felt "less" justified to "believe" that this was about me and less about himself?

3) Did my calling the OW a bad name drive them together?

4) What if I went along and just went out with him more with his divorced and divorcee buddies, could I have kept on eye on what what was going on? Or was MLC inevitable?

5) What if I continue to remain dark or dim, will he take it as a sign that I don't care about him or working on us "getting closer" once again far into the future?

6) H doesn't have a job still. How does that play into his psyche about this mlc versus those that have mlc and OW and a job?

7) What about the children? I think theemotional damage has been done. They want to remain in touch with h to varying degrees. I don't think I should stand in the way. He is their father? H is acting buddy buddy with each of them. One thing I did notice though, he is more in touch with them and interested in what is going on in their lives now even though it amounts to about a minute per conversation that he has with each. Or is that guilt? I thought I read that h will stand in touch with children because he should or as another form of t and g and then he won't feel more guilty about what he has done - which is abandon them.  One interesting fact is that he has not been in touch with his side of the family in about a month.....hmmmm...

Do I trust him about $ as he says he is being fiscally responsible?

9) What if I stay as long as I can and then "give up" because it gets too hard. What kind of message am I sending him and the children?

I have given my standing up to God as I think a higher power must be involved in h recovery, my recovery and to fulfill having a better marriage.

[Trustandlove]

I looked into Byron Katie, and I'll be honest -- I hope I'm not treading on any toes here, so a huge disclaimer goes out saying that I'm not trying to bash something that works so well for others -- it at first glance looked good, then the more I looked at it the more it seemed to go off track.

I think the general idea of taking responsibility for ourselves is of course good, and certainly the bit about things being true or not.  The CBT approach that I've taken to many things is similar. 

But for me she goes overboard, or perhaps that is just her manner.  It increased my fear, rather than lessened it.   

[Dontgiveup]

1.  He might be saying it's more than MLC because, as RCR has described, the MLCer feels totally overburdened.  The emotional toil on the MLCer is truly heavy, and it can have a physical effect on them also.
2.  Everything you did was a normal reaction.  There is a blog on Separation on the website.....most MLCers leave (or somehow separate).
3.  Nope
4.  Inevitable
5   Nope.  The problem is not that you are not willing to work on "us".  It's that in MLC, he's not willing to work on "us".
6.  Not sure.
7.  Let him be the best father he's capable of being in his MLC state.
8.  You've got to use your own judgement on the money issue.  I would use caution since it sounds like he is unemployed.
9.  Only you can answer that, but I think the first half of your sentence answered the second half.

One of the most important things to understand....to truly understand....is MLC takes time.  We say it a lot, but it's a very very true statement.

[StandandDeliver]

Did my calling the OW a bad name drive them together?

"A" bad name? Your H and his OW got off lightly. I flew off the handle a couple of times and you could write a dictionary for the different synonyms for "Prostitute" that I used.  I don't know if he remembers in his MLC fog or not, but while I normally think nothing can be gained by name-calling, I actually don't care anymore because if he comes back then he will recognise the (ok, slightly malicious) truth in what I said. And if he doesn't then he has to live with the knowledge that the mother of his children thinks he is with a ow. (She had a boyf who she lived with and cheated on him with H, so hardly Miss Innocence)

[Standing in Patience]

Thank you DGU.... of course, I have a few more fears. I too am anxious at times about this mlc process. I have not really slept well since it started over a year ago though I tell the children I slept well now and then to ease their fear that I can take good care of them and their needs. I sleep sometimes 4 or 5 hours at night only to be woken up to "think" how could this happen to me, our marriage, our children. Some times I awaken 3 or 4 times in a night - not good I know.

10) My health. The heart palpitations are terrible. I try to think serene thoughts and sometimes I can feel my heartbeat slowing.

11) Is it inevitable that one of our children has a mlc some day into their future?

12) Can he awaken? He states he's concerned about other people's honesty, integrity, and their sense of right and wrong. And I'm not talking about me or our family - immediate or extended.

13) What if the OW continues to be nicey, nicey and never reveals her true self? What person who is a real friend agrees to move in with a married man and lives on the other side of the US and doesn't encourage h to see his children. Really?

14) I say my prayers for him, myself, our marriage, our children. I request from true friends to says prayers if they are so inclined. Is that enough? What else can I do? Yes, I am detached.

15) What if I look too strong for him? Able to keep our family afloat while OW continues to be fulfill his emotional needs.

[Trustandlove]

DGU, thank you for chiming in; I always look to what you say, particularly as it is stated in such a calming manner. 

I think my fear is rising again because my H is in an state of infatuation again, and wants the kids along for the ride.  It's like early MLC over again, but it's been so long....   

And the fact that there is so little out there to 'document' what happens this far down the line.  I'm the poster girl for MLC TAKES TIME....   it's a scary and lonely place to be, and right now to be honest things look bleak.  I know it's 'never say never', but this is where the FEAR comes in....

[StandandDeliver]

Standing - have you considered seeing your doctor for anti anxiety meds - just for a short while to help with the palpitations and maybe get your sleep back on track? I took a course of them after BD - weaned myself quite early on (worried about addiction) but I have a stash hidden away and if I am having a really bad day (maybe once a month) I will take one to take the edge off or to get me to sleep. They are not a long term solution, but our health is very important, especially as we are the only responsible parents our kids have right now. We need to look after ourselves.

I'll let others get back to you regarding your other worries...