[Is your MLCer High or Low Energy]

Is your MLCer High or Low Energy

High Energy

18 (39.1%)

Low Energy

17 (37%)

I don't know, he seems kind of in-between

11 (23.9%)

Total Members Voted: 45

Voting closed: June 27, 2011, 01:28:35 PM

[LoveMeMyself]

Limitless,

    I agree with you on all you said and then some.  My exH appeared to be extremely High Energy for the first 8 months or so.  He took off like his butt was on fire.  He already had OW/EA when I got the ILYBNILWY BD speech.  He left two months later (Dec. 09).  His EA went PA and it only lasted a few months........over as soon as the word got around.  Then he started up with another one, high school classmate, through FB.  She lived in another State but we have vacation property near her so it worked out for him to see her every other weekend.  That affair started in March but ended in May.  The whole time (I believe) he knew it was wrong but couldn't stop himself.  He also spent money like crazy....4 vehicles and 8 motorcycles, plus fully furnished apartment, clothes, etc.  He "dated" a few other women shortly after our divorce was final.  Not sure if he is currently seeing anybody or not.  He lost his job the end of June, 2011, failed suicide attempt July, 2011.  He's under a doctor's care (therapy) and different medication which seems to have helped so much.  He was working part time at a sporting goods store but recently (January, 2012) started a job in a legal office which seems to also work good for him.  As you may or may not know, he has talked to me on the phone at least 4 times (every other week or so) for the past couple of months.  I have not seen him face to face since last August.  I now believe he may be "Low Energy"...........just seems to be coasting. 

[Anjae]

I agree with OP that if there is not real alienator, there is a fantasy one, being it a person or an activity.

StandandDeliver, I don’t think a fantasy person can drag some of replay aspects even longer than a non fantasy person. My husband has been in replay for about six years (I’m counting since he got involved with OW1, that was months before he left/BD), is on his second OW and there are no signs of replaying behaviour calming down. The length of the replay stage has, for me, more to do with the issues the MCLer is facing/running from facing than with being a High or Low Energy MCLer.

Must say I’m not certain if we can consider Low Energy MCLer anyone with the energy/capacity to sustain a relationship with OW/OM that involves physical affair, and other activities, like weekend or holidays; moving out of the house, or living between home OW/OM and/or their own place. So I’m not certain Shant’s husband is a Low Energy MCLer… a moderate energy one, perhaps?...

[Shantilly Lace]

Yep Anne he's not as high energy as he was. Man the running he did. But energy wise he slipped between lines. Lol
Clinging yes but high or low I have no clue. No real financial damage done, he spends not huge amounts but is at present upping it again.

[Anjae]

Shant, I think some, if not all of the former super high, or high energy ones, will, at a point, loose part of that mega energy. But it may take years for them to be on a slower pace.
I got one of those that have done it all, financial damage, several OW, living with other woman, become a wreck (but still in high energy mode), went from clingy boomerang to boomerang to vanisher. Ok, he had not really done it all. So far, for all I know, OW2 has not become pregnant. 

[still learning]

After reading all of this, I think my mlcer is a low energy mlcer.

gender: male
age at bd: 36
ea or pa: no proof of that, although he's very keen on his phone-privacy
living: still at home, threatend to leave when I had R talk with him. I don't initiate R talk anymore, so he hasn't talked about leaving anymore.
kids: no kids
pursuer: before and afterbd: me. especially now, he's withdrawn completely and hardly even speaks to me.
He knows he is confused, he went to see a lifecoach before bd and has said he's confused after bd. Still seeing a therapist to help him deal with the issues. he just doesn't want to talk about it to me in any way.

Jip

[Niek]

My H's replay behaviors were very specific. For that period of time, he attended numerous concerts (sometimes traveling 4 hours one way), secretly drank, trained excessively, watched ultimate fighting by the hours (NEVER watched before), starting hanging with a more outgoing crowd, used slang constantly, colored his facial hair, lost a great deal of weight, and seemed to never sleep (bed at 2:00-3:00 up by 6:00).

That seemed to stop abruptly early last year. He then began to show many signs of extreme depression. He would zone at the television, sit in one place for hours, no longer did any care of the house, worked excessive hours, didn't want anyone around, completely irritated by family/friends/finances, couldn't handle the "kid stuff" would need to leave because of the anxiety it caused. It was almost the exact opposite of the previous 18 months.

Still, he believed/believes that I am the root of the problem. He left because he could no longer stay in this house and be so miserable. Since he has left, he has gone through periods of "monster", periods of low, lots of stopping by to pick up things (though never attempting to reconnect with me), the home he lives in is not completed and is not indicative of a "happy" man.

These are the conclusions I have drawn for myself.

Funny, my situation is almost the same. Replay behavior has stopped I think. In the beginning H was like a teenager. Only parting, going to concerts, used slang, drank a lot, hanging out 'with my new friends' as he once yelled at me. Things like that. D21 once said to me he looked like a child.
Since a few weeks his behavior has changed. Shows much more responsibility, comes home for diner, wants to go out with us as a family, involves more and more me in his life. But....still lives with OW. So in that sense he must still be in Replay. She remains a secret. She never accompanies him when he visits our mutual friends or business events as he always sends me a pictures of where he is or who he visits. The only thing he told me about her that there is an enormous distance between them, that he wants to be free without responsibilities. And in that sense they do not have a relation. I think she is using H cause she doesn't want to be alone, and H is using her so he has a place to live.

Last week he admitted that I am not his problem, but that he has a problem (feels too responsible for everything, feelings of guilt and not able to see his own boundaries) and that we had a lot of talking to do. I know where this feelings comes from. It was the way he was brought up by his parents who were severely traumatized in Japanese camps during WWII. But to tell him that......

[hobo1]

Gender - Female
Age at Bomb Drop - 42
Infidelity: Emotional, Physical, None, brief, still ongoing, not anymore...  Emotional
Are they home? Currently in marital home, but will be moving out soon
If not, where are they living (in particular, are they living with the alienator?) Since we are D, she is finding an apartment (with the kids)
Kids: Yes/No ages and where are they living? Yes 8 and 10, live with her.
Pursuit & Distance Dynamics: who is the pursuer versus the distancer--now as well as pre-Bomb - I was the pursuer at BD, but no pursuit now.

I believe I have a Low Energy MLCer.  There is no alienator that I am aware of at this point.  She appears content when I do see her.  She doesn't 'DO' much.  She stays home, watching TV or on computer as per kids.  She doesn't work. 
There does not appear to be movement for many months.  Same position for say 1 year.  No active signs of REPLAY, partying, drinking, having fun etc.

I do question MLC vs WAS.  She still cares for the kids.  Almost everything appears to be the same as if we were married, except I am not there.  In instances of rare contact, she appears to be angry and blames me for her unhappiness, counts my many flaws and points to them as reason for her unhappiness.

[ehill]

Gender - Male
Age at Bomb Drop - 44
Infidelity: He says there has never been nor is there now ow. I have nothing to say otherwise
Are they home? No lives with his parents
Kids: Yes/No ages and where are they living? Yes 19 & 17 Daughters.
Pursuit & Distance Dynamics: who is the pursuer versus the distancer--now as well as pre-Bomb - I was and still am the pursuer even though I know I shouldn't

I think he tried to be high energy in the first 6 months going out all the time, changing friends, busy busy busy then it stopped.
Now just tries to keep himself so busy with work so he doesn't have to think (his words) He contacts me in some way every day since the day he left.
Wants to be "best friends", "no reason this should get ugly" "I love and care about you but I do not want to be married" Goes from depressed to ok...not really sure. He is good at hiding his feelings. Has talked about divorce but has done nothing to get one. House is for sale but he won't do any of the fix up work that needs to be done so I know it will not sell. Complains about money all the time (for 25 years we never had a fight about money, he never cared) I feel compared to many on here his crisis is mild.

[Still Kicking]

Gender:  Male
Age at Bomb Drop: 54--on his Birthday
Infidelity:  EA that became PA at BD.  Seems to have only gone on a few months.  He would go out almost every night and was drinking when he never did much of either before.  Then abruptly quit.
Are they home:  Was gone the first few months, been home 7 months
He never lived with the alienator--she has a husband. 
Kids: Adult from his previous marriage.  They live in different states.
Pursuit & Distance Dynamics: He was the pursuer pre.  I was for the first few weeks after but found the "180 Rules" very quickly and stopped.   Now in the "Just friends limbo."  He does seem to be doing micro-pursuits--bringing home treats, complimenting, thanking for things, finds reasons to come into the woman cave when I'm in there.  Then he will just as abruptly run out. 

He has always been a bit depressed and lacking in initiative.
He is extremely attached to his computer and won't do outdoor things or exercise.  He is not a workaholic--hates work. 
He is aware he is confused--says he has never known what he wants to do with his life.  He feels his time is running out and wants to get rich quick and travel.
The crisis seems milder than those who are high-energy--when you compare to other stories on the boards--yes.  He was worse pre-BD.  He gets in little digs but nothing like what others have had to endure.
You, as the LBS, may question of it is MLC since high-energy is more to the sterotype--yes--wonder about that all the time--until he says something typical or goes into escape mode.  He will seem quite normal as long as there is no pressure.   He seems to panic easily. 

[Albatross]

RCR Blog article not about contact types but about energy during REPLAY

Clinging Boomerangs maintain an emotional attachment and connection to their spouse, Wallowers withdraw emotionally.

RCR would You please explane why Wallowers withdraw emotionally. My MLCer have all energy characteristics of wallower.

Anyway I don't get it correlation between contact type and MLCer energy which You use in that sentence.