[Is your MLCer High or Low Energy]

Is your MLCer High or Low Energy

High Energy

18 (39.1%)

Low Energy

17 (37%)

I don't know, he seems kind of in-between

11 (23.9%)

Total Members Voted: 45

Voting closed: June 27, 2011, 01:28:35 PM

[Heart to Heart]

    * Gender:  Male
    * Age at Bomb Drop:  55
    * Infidelity: I suspect Emotional pre-BD and Physical post-BD, don't have a clue if it's still going on because we don't speak all that often (maybe once a month) and are just so plain polite to each other when we do speak.
    * Are they home? No, moved in with friends for 9 months, then bought his own place an hour away.
      If not, where are they living (in particular, are they living with the alienator?)  Living in a purchased condo, don't know if living with alienator, but if I had to guess, I'd say no.
    * Kids: S28 lives an hour away and D26 lives an hour away. Both have lost all respect for him.
    * Pursuit & Distance Dynamics: H was the pursuer pre-BD, I pursued for 6 months after BD, now we both seem to be distancers!

H was definitely high-energy at beginning.  At BD, first thing out of his mouth was he wanted a divorce and was leaving same day.  ILYBNILWY and needed freedom.  Lots of anger and monster spew for 6 months or so (hmmm...correlates with me pursuing) interspersed with lovely conversations like we were best friends as long as I didn't speak about relationship.  Occasionally spoke of divorce until October, but hasn't brought it up since then.  After my R talk stopped and I stopped pursuing, H seemed to become low energy.  Really don't know where he's at in the tunnel nor do I know if OW is in the picture.  I think I'm the Queen of Limboland 

[OldPilot]

This is more to RCR and HB if she ever comes back but anyone else can respond to this too.
I have been thinking a lot about this low-energy MLC'er and how it relates to the Stages of MLC.
RCR writes somewhere that if it is under 2 years that they are in replay.(and DGU plays that song over and over) (nickel DGU)

So now with many low-energy mlc'ers there is no alienator and the stages of mlc can seem to go rapidly through the cycle.
Until they get to depression withdrawal stage when everything comes grinding to a halt.

Now one of my theories is that what we have seen as progressing through the different stages of MLC is not as it seems.

I believe that there may be a Fantasy alienator involved with the MLC'er.
This is not a REAL person.
But a made up person that the MLC'er is having an affair with.
My wife reads all sorts of those trashy romance novels.
I would not be surprised if she has fallen in love with one of the characters.
Of course since I am not inside her head how would I know.

Ready's wife has a real life fantasy guy that she has never met and lives 6000 miles away.
Still's husband seems to be in love with some students of his that he has never pushed further along.
Trusting's husband I have no idea about but I am going to guess that he has some fantasy person too.

So maybe my point is that all these MLC'ers who are two years or less ARE still in replay.
With a Fantasy person.

Anyways this has been running around in my head for a while and I decided to write it down and see who responds.

[trusting]

OP, my H's (suspected) OW EA lives in a different state and he has not gone there at all and I have no reason to suspect she has been here to visit ever.  Based on what I know about her, who she is, and what I know about my H, I do think it was at least in part a "fantasy" relationship on his part. 

BTW, no real reason now to think they are still in contact, at least not like they were, but honestly have no idea.

[OldPilot]

I guess what I am thinking is that he may not be in contact IRL but the question is the fantasy still going on inside his head.
This I realize is mind reading but I am trying to see if my theory has any merit.

Thank you for adding in your piece to the puzzle.

[LoveMeMyself]

Very interesting thoughts, OP.  I've been sort of wondering along those same lines lately.  In the beginning my ex hubby had two OW's (back to back).  He seemed to be on a mission.  He was wide open for at least 6 to 9 months or so.  Both his affairs ended very quickly.  That was a year ago now.  I do not know if he is with anybody else now (don't think so) but he has seemed somewhat "better" in the last few months or so.  He has communicated with me in person more and on the phone.  We are approaching the two year post BD so maybe that has something to do with his change.  I'm just not sure.  I know, it doesn't really matter.  Maybe my ex's fantasy doesn't involve another woman.........maybe it just a fantasy life he's looking for.  Does that sound crazy?

[StandandDeliver]

OP, I wonder if that has the affect of dragging some aspects of replay out even longer? Because if the fantasy REALLY is a fantasy, then they never have the fantasy destroyed by the reality of a real person.

My H's OW was a fantasy for him when I discovered the affair. Clandestine, hidden from everyone he knew, they lived in a true bubble where they had stolen moments. Then they moved in together. They have been together for 7 months now and I don't believe that it has been a 7 month perfect fantasy (not that he shows any signs of wanting out either).

I don't know what could "end" a fantasy that is not real. I wonder in that situation if it might be almost better to walk away from them? Just thinking outloud here, don't have an answer. Because then, especially if the fantasy is a fictional character in a book, they are left with the reality of being alone with nothing BUT a fantasy and then maybe eventually the loneliness and the fact that a fantasy with NO reality does not actually provide true companionship would force them to start moving a little through the tunnel??

Having said that, I have no idea if being in a "real" R with OW has brought H any closer to moving through his tunnel. So who knows.

[Rollercoasterider]

This is more to RCR and HB if she ever comes back but anyone else can respond to this too.
I have been thinking a lot about this low-energy MLC'er and how it relates to the Stages of MLC.
RCR writes somewhere that if it is under 2 years that they are in replay.(and DGU plays that song over and over) (nickel DGU)

So now with many low-energy mlc'ers there is no alienator and the stages of mlc can seem to go rapidly through the cycle.
Until they get to depression withdrawal stage when everything comes grinding to a halt.

Now one of my theories is that what we have seen as progressing through the different stages of MLC is not as it seems.

I believe that there may be a Fantasy alienator involved with the MLC'er.
This is not a REAL person.
But a made up person that the MLC'er is having an affair with.
My wife reads all sorts of those trashy romance novels.
I would not be surprised if she has fallen in love with one of the characters.
Of course since I am not inside her head how would I know.

Ready's wife has a real life fantasy guy that she has never met and lives 6000 miles away.
Still's husband seems to be in love with some students of his that he has never pushed further along.
Trusting's husband I have no idea about but I am going to guess that he has some fantasy person too.

So maybe my point is that all these MLC'ers who are two years or less ARE still in replay.
With a Fantasy person.

Anyways this has been running around in my head for a while and I decided to write it down and see who responds.

Think of story--a book or movie--there is a hero and a villain. The hero is the main character whether good or evil. Now think of the villain. Tell the story of Titanic. Now in the movie there was a guy running around with a gun. But who was the real villain. Ah, trick question, so I will rephrase. What was the real villain? It was the disaster--iceberg, sinking ship, ocean...the villain was not a person. In the movie The Perfect Storm the storm was the villain.

In the MLC script the alienator is the villain. But that does not mean the alienator has to be a person--it just usually works out that way. Some people have affairs with their career or it is platonic friends that alienate a couple apart. Definitely fantasy and in the case of low-energy MLCers the alienator the alienator is more likely to be a fantasy or some other type of alienation than it is for high-energy MLCers.

[trusting]

OP, I don't have facts, just what I have gotten through what I know about them and some bits and pieces I have gathered to confirm, but I do believe that H getting in contact with (suspected) OW was based on a fantasy in his head at the time.   

[OldPilot]

RCR

Thanks for that, it is kind of what I have been thinking but I wanted to get it written down.

OP, I wonder if that has the affect of dragging some aspects of replay out even longer? Because if the fantasy REALLY is a fantasy, then they never have the fantasy destroyed by the reality of a real person.

Absolutely, that is why the low energy mlcers take so long.

[Rebel Yell]

I'm going to throw something out there and see if it sticks.
These MLcer's seem to think that their happiness should have come from their spouses.
In real life we the LBS' know we aren't perfect and have accepted ourselves, warts and all.
Since they figured out that we CAN'T make them happy, they look for happiness someplace else,
sticking with the flawed idea that happiness comes from the outside. Reply, new relationships,
cars, Harleys, you name it. Until they figure out that what they are looking for comes from the
inside, they are stuck. Why do they have this flawed idea of happiness? FOO, IMO. Probably
never shown love just for who they are, only for their looks, or what they can do.