[Is your MLCer High or Low Energy]

Is your MLCer High or Low Energy

High Energy

18 (39.1%)

Low Energy

17 (37%)

I don't know, he seems kind of in-between

11 (23.9%)

Total Members Voted: 45

Voting closed: June 27, 2011, 01:28:35 PM

[NewBeginnings]

Interesting-My H was having an affair since last summer I think.  Moved in together in our apartment where he worked during the week
in December.  I only know that because she posted her change of address on her FB page.    Anyway, their affair was totally secret
from everyone they worked with until I exposed them mid April.  H seemed happy during the time it was all a big secret although
I believe he let his mother know what was going on last fall.  To think she supported him.    Anyway, I have had NC since I
outed them out until a week ago.  Since then I have talked to him 4 times and he is coming down tomorrow to see our S.  I dread it.
Anyway,  he doesn't sound happy and he says he is tired all the time, works more than ever, his back hurts ect, up
every hour, ect...  I think that the
excitement kind of disappeared once I exposed them.   Now it is just a normal relationship.  He does try to defend her to me which
totally pisses me off.  I told him do never ever defend her to me and that I wish to never speak of her.  I won't even address her
by her name.  I think I read that when the affair because public and everyone finds out, the relationship changes.  Does anyone
know if I am correct about this?  Why is it when it the relationship is a secret, they seem happier, more energy ect. but then once
it becomes public, it just becomes a normal everyday relationship?

[LoveMeMyself]

Hearbroken,

   My ex hubby's affair was the same way.........once it was exposed it fizzled out........fast.  Everybody at his work place knew about it (with a coworker).  She ended up quitting her job.......couldn't handle the pressure, I suppose.  Once they were exposed the affair ended........then my ex immediately hooked up with yet another one but a distant one (in another State) so he thought it could be kept secret.  I discovered it quick and exposed that one as well.  It also ended very quickly.  He had his two affairs start and end within an 8 month period.  To answer your question, I think it is the excitement that the secrecy hightens in them.  They are looking for a quick fix and a high.  Once it's exposed it's not that thrilling for them.  That's my two cents.

[limitless]

OP,
Interesting topic.
I'm sure that most know my story....
I have the MLCer who lives in the guest room with his parents.
For a long time, I thought there was NO alienator - as there was absolutely no sign or proof that one existed.
Then he started communicating with an ex high school girlfriend via emails and texts (maybe skype).  Ended up she was OW #2.  This culminated in a week long trip he took with her.  Shortly after this trip - she unfriended him on FB and the relationship (whatever it was) was over.  I heard through the grapevine that he found her to be "too argumentative."
Then I find out about OW#1 (Ex-wife) through emails (from March 2010) professing his "love" and that he plans to divorce me to be with her.  She also lives in the same state as OW #2 (Maybe he could do a 2 for 1 when he visited??)
If I can believe what he says (I know that is doubtful). This was a "fantasy" in his head and not real.  That she encouraged him to work on this marriage.  That it had been over for more than 9 months (as of February of this year).  I believe that he only physically was with her for 1 weekend back in August of'09 (He admitted - but claimed it was "platonic.")

So.  Who the heck knows....but I believe that this "love" he has for her is more of a fantasy in his head.  I believe that he pursued the heck out of her.  I think she may have enjoyed the attention (I believe that she was recently divorced) - but had little real interest in him - since he has nothing (financially) to offer her.

So.  If this is a fantasy in his head - that I think he continues to feed - this fits somewhat  into what OP has written.  My H appears to be more Overtly depressed than the MLCers described on this website.  (Although he may be strutting his stuff - to others - as I don't see him).  I know that when he sees the kids - it is clear that he is depressed and/or filled with guilt and shame.  I do not believe he has true remorse (except for the part about being "caught.")

He continues to see a counselor (1/month), he avoids, he hides....he may still be carrying on with OW#1 via a long distance affair - but makes no moves to see her (visit her State) or move to be with her.

Low energy?  I don't know.  So far the new life that he wanted so badly - seems to have little in it except an escape from responsibility.

Limitless

[NewBeginnings]

LoveMyMan-I wish my H's relationship fizzled out after I exposed them but it hasn't.  They are still living together.   From what I know,
he met her at a pizza joint she worked at last summer.  She must have flirted or something with him.  Then he hired her at one of the auto
dealerships in Sept. or Oct..  By Dec. she moved in with him in our apt..  It's just so shocking he can give up me, his wife of 24 years
for some bimbo he has only known for 6 months.   Last week he was defending her to me.  I didn't bring her up, he did trying to tell me
she was a good mother, that her baby died.  She lost custody of the other one who is now 17.  I think he was trying to tell me she is a
good mother so I would let our S be around her.  NEVER, not happening.  How could he even ask that of me knowing her history?  He
is so blind.   I thought these relationships lasted 1-2 years before they fizzled out.  I would love to spy on them.  I know I shouldn't care
but just once would be fun.  And even though I do not want to see him tomorrow, I can't wait to see what he looks like.     He is
going to see a really skinny wife, not that I was heavy before.  Size 5/6 and now I am a size 0 or 00.    I bet  H will have
no comment.   I hope he got fatter!       There are these
hot chips that are fattening that he loves.  For some reason he can't get them in the town where they live so I think I will go buy him
 a case tonight.   
Oh, I really must stop these thoughts of mine but at least I am getting a laugh.  haha

L - I think that is what my H was thinking too.  If he left us, he was getting rid of all responsiblilty for me and our S.
  He has found out that is not true.
He still has not given me any money and it's been almost 2 months.
 I have talked with him alot this past week and he told me to add up how much I need
until our court date in August and give it to my Atty and his Atty will call my Atty on Tuesday.   Finally!    So hopefully
next week I will finally have some money.   

[limitless]

Heartbroken,
I'm glad your H is starting to thaw regarding the money issue.
Let your lawyer know how much $ you need ASAP.  Get the cash.   You need to be able to take care of you and your Son.

Regarding the fizzling of the OW/MLCer relationship.  This doesn't happen overnight.  Sometimes it will - but many times it won't.  Just because you don't see it falling apart - doesn't mean that it's not.  Sometimes the "relationship" carries on longer than it should - as the OW or the MLCer doesn't want to acknowledge that they made a mistake.   Easier to just let it be.

Limitless

[Still]

OP,

I think you have some very interesting thoughts which I have also wondered. I agree that my Low Energy MLC'er went through the first few stages very rapidly. Replay was less that a year and a half. I think he has been in depression/withdrawal for well over a year now.

I believe, without a doubt, that my H has a fantasy OW. I actually think she is an eclectic perfect woman with all the various aspects that he would find ideal in one woman. His extreme arrogance about his life with "puffed out chest" and sarcastic narcissistic remarks makes him appear like a rooster in the hen house.

His new behavior, which was always non-existent, is telling everyone/anyone about our situation. I have had more people in the last month offer me concern because my H has told them how bad things have been ( ) and we are now separated. It is like he is trying to lay this groundwork for his next phase in life. If I didn't know better, I would say he is getting closer and closer to acting on the obtaining of his fantasy woman.

[limitless]

Still,
I am curious why or how you came to the conclusion that your H finished Replay in a year and a half.
If he has moved out and may, at this time, be setting up to finally have his affair with the "perfect" woman (is there such a thing?) - wouldn't that still be Replay?

What makes me curious about your H is that he is just so mean and cruel (similar to OP's wife) - in that he seems to want to hurt or injure you (emotionally).

My H - even though he abandoned the family - didn't seem to want to "hurt" me - except on the day he moved out and the next month or so afterwards.  Those were the only times I really saw "Monster."  Otherwise, he seems to want me to have a good life.....wants me to go places, do things.  Wants to fix things that break around the house (never actually finish - but makes a meager effort).  And, my H is in FULL REPLAY right now (13 months post BD).

L

[Mamma Bear]

   Gender: Male
   Age at BD= 52

   EA started 2 weeks before BD
   PA started at BD (2-14-11)
   Lives at OWs since BD
   Ds 9 and 11
   Before BD H was pursuer
                    I was distancer busy w/ work I pay all bills
                    Now  I try never to pursue EVER (it's hard) but i do it.
                            H clingy boomerang but distancer
       He moves so slowly through out his lifetime people want to smack him. He must be Low energy. I'm not sure sometimes he seems jumpy and nervous and running wide eyed. Is that high energy?  The one thing I KNOW is that he LOVES me he always has. I also KNOW he didn't cheat until BD. He told me that and I all ready knew he wouldn't have. He tried to be a stay at home Dad but his vicodin kept causing him to be less than successful. Sleeps on couch..back hurts,sinus hurts blah blah blah complaining ALL THE TIME.
Depressed down the basement for at least 2 or 3 years. Concerned with looks,weight,zits and Vitamin World. Clean and sober like me for over 10 years. Then he went back to  vicodin and alcohol and slid into OW R. His mother had been staying with us and he was taking care of her. She is 93 years old. She told him he Lost the family business(a motel) and she made him feel like s**t. She went to Florida for 3 mos and when I said she could come back in the spring He Bolted for OW......He spends no money from our joint acct. Makes hardly any at his little job(Limo runs) He only uses our cellphone companions to call me and the Ds or his Mom or get a haircut. He says he has no friends except me. still says that. He has shown kindness and caring for me except for the OW residence. he took furniture a few weeks ago but says I can have anything I like back. Did I mention OW is a Bowser and I am cute   I couldn't help it. He is textbook MLC. I really feel for him. The jerk. When he wakes up he is gonna be so mad at himself. This I KNOW also. Let me know if he's high or low MLC? Thanks

[Still]

Still,
I am curious why or how you came to the conclusion that your H finished Replay in a year and a half.
If he has moved out and may, at this time, be setting up to finally have his affair with the "perfect" woman (is there such a thing?) - wouldn't that still be Replay?

L,

That is a great question.

My H's replay behaviors were very specific. For that period of time, he attended numerous concerts (sometimes traveling 4 hours one way), secretly drank, trained excessively, watched ultimate fighting by the hours (NEVER watched before), starting hanging with a more outgoing crowd, used slang constantly, colored his facial hair, lost a great deal of weight, and seemed to never sleep (bed at 2:00-3:00 up by 6:00).

That seemed to stop abruptly early last year. He then began to show many signs of extreme depression. He would zone at the television, sit in one place for hours, no longer did any care of the house, worked excessive hours, didn't want anyone around, completely irritated by family/friends/finances, couldn't handle the "kid stuff" would need to leave because of the anxiety it caused. It was almost the exact opposite of the previous 18 months.

Still, he believed/believes that I am the root of the problem. He left because he could no longer stay in this house and be so miserable. Since he has left, he has gone through periods of "monster", periods of low, lots of stopping by to pick up things (though never attempting to reconnect with me), the home he lives in is not completed and is not indicative of a "happy" man.

These are the conclusions I have drawn for myself.

[limitless]

Still,
Thank you for the explanation.
Since your H lived at home for so long, you have had the "advantage" of seeing his actions first hand.  (Notice that "advantage" is in quotes.  No real advantage.  I believe that you have had much pain).

In my H - I NEVER see him.  So, I cannot judge his Replay activity.  Who knows?  I am thinking that I will see a change in him - when I see his actions and activity with our kids change.  Maybe not, but that is what I think.

Again, who knows?

Thanks for the explanation.  I can see how and why you believe that Replay has finished.

I wonder about the ones who don't leave the home or take such a long time to leave.  Are these MLCer's angrier?  Or is it because the LBS is around the MLCer so much - that the Monster is easy to see?

L