[exiled]

My W says she wants to divorce me because we are no longer on the same path.  She is on a spiritual journey for
self-actualization and I can't join her since I will have to follow my own path to fulfill my own calling.  She always has been a searcher for meaning but with MLC, she has gone off without me.  She tells me that I need to find my own path because I am the one who is lost. 

It is true.  Compared to her, I am not ambitious.  I tend to draw pleasure and satisfaction from simple things.  I don't have to
go on a spiritual quest in order to find my life worthwhile.  In the past, she thought we complemented each other because we were different.  But now she would rather have a more like-minded companion for her journey.  She may have a point.  Sometimes I wonder if we are already thousands of miles apart and I am too stubborn to see it.

I've read many articles which explain midlife reassessment as a soul's attempt to align one's life with his true nature/gift so he can thrive as someone he is meant to become.  Drastic changes are inevitable and some aspects of the old life will be discarded for the new birth.

Has anyone heard this kind of argument from your MLC spouse?  What are your thoughts on this?  Your comments would be appreciated.

[Dontgiveup]

Well, if you mean did my wife say those things or something similar.....then the answer is yes, I heard the arguement you are referring to.  Although, there's a different term  I would encourage you to use instead of arguement......that term is justification.

Here's some of what I (and many other LBS) have heard.
We've grown apart
We don't have the same interests
I want somebody more like me

When she tells you things like you are the one who's lost.....I think that would be Projection.....don't buy into it.

My thoughts on this.......typical MLC talk.

[Covenant for Life]

Could I also add to DGU's list:   1.  I never should have married you.
                                               2.  We never were 'right' for each other (After 20+ years together, my H just got this
                                                    revelation).
                                               3.  I think there is someone out there who better suits me.

All of this is MLC projection onto the LBS and our MLCers use excuses like those above to try to justify what they are doing.  I agree with DGU that we just cannot allow ourselves to buy into those rationalizations.

[Hope for Zen]

I don't have to
go on a spiritual quest in order to find my life worthwhile.

^^^ That right there is why you are not in a crisis and your W is.

I've read many articles which explain midlife reassessment as a soul's attempt to align one's life with his true nature/gift so he can thrive as someone he is meant to become.  Drastic changes are inevitable and some aspects of the old life will be discarded for the new birth.

I would agree with that.  It is the MLCer's insistance that everything around them must change in order for them to be 'happy' that is so distructive.  The drastic change that is needed for growth in both the LBS and the MLCer is within, not without. 

Just my .02...

[exiled]

Check out this Jungian psychologist James Hollis interview:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHk8kWFIzYg

My W thinks what Dr. Hollis says here supports her stance.  She is deeply into this individuation business.
She thinks she is taking responsibility for her life by paying attention to her inner voice and trying to
become authentic to herself while I am being oblivious.
She claims her inner world has been sending her messages through dreams and other means to tell her that
she needs a new life.

I am curious what you people think about it.

[exiled]

Dr. Hollis says Midlife transition is an opportunity for one to review his life and
make new adjustments so that he can align his remaining life to fulfill his true calling.
There could be much pain and suffering during the adjustment period and relationships can
break apart but some of these are necessary to allow himself to become truly authentic.

The cause of MLC could be traced back to one's childhood, we've been told.  But Dr. Hollis seems to say
MLC is a symptom when one's soul is in conflict with his life.  In other words, the soul is
crying out to change the course because he can't stand the life he has been enduring.  Hollis
gives credence to the MLCers common compaints that they have not been happy. 

[Dontgiveup]

Let me first say I am giving this response without having watched the youtube link you posted.....so take that into consideration.

My issue with what was summarized is this.  If the soul is in conflict with one's life (whatever that actually means), and the MLCer needs to change what they have been enduring, that leaves me with this question.  Why would they end up having regrets?

I mean if you align one's soul with one's life, why would the MLCer later regret their behavior?  And regretting their MLC behavior is common.

[exiled]

As a LBS, I find his message discouraging.
But since he is a heavy weight in Jungian psychology, I can't readily disregard what he says.
I am hoping that the wise people on this board have some good responses to his theory.

[LisaLives]

I am a huge fan of Dr. Hollis and Jungian psychology.  If you are discouraged, you need to watch this piece again.  He says in here that an MLC has it's roots in assimilation of other needs and values earlier in life.  He says that if you came from a family that respected your individuality, you would never have a crisis, he also fails to talk about--though he does in his other books--the fact that some of us, like me, have crises much earlier in life that force us to indivisuate earlier, thus no need for a crisis.  He also implies, though he does not discuss, because that is no the point of the piece that many transition without crisis. 

I love him because he really identifies narcissism and individuation as opposites.  He talks about how the midlife passage is most difficult for those who are afraid of self-introspection--thus the need to run.  And he very clearly talks about projection of needs as the reason why people have affairs and why those relationships are so fleeting--because the affair partner also can't meet all the needs, because they have to be met from within. 

This is really a piece worth watching, but listen closely, not just to what he says, but also what he does not say that you already know.  It all fits, then read some of his stuff.  He regrets some of his midlife choices which is why he is so committed to what he does. 

[Hope for Zen]

Just my .02...

I don't think what he is saying justifies the MLCer's crisis.  It seems to me that he is advocating deep self discovery without fear.  He is talking about looking within, and taking personal responsibility as well.  He specifically says at one point that to find your true self we must grow up and not blame their spouse or child. 

Lots of babble, but my take was that it is in line with much of RCR's articles, though skewed maybe a bit more toward self discovery and not specifically about when the midlife transition turns to crisis. 

I think your W is hearing what she WANTS to hear and twisting it to justify her actions.  I have seen others on here twist the bible in the same way.  Heck - my H even took things I said and twisted them to suit himself. 

They do that a lot. 

Anyway, regardless of what he is saying or not saying, or his credentials, don't let it get you down.  My 'authentic self' says that hurting others is no way to find inner peace.     FTR, that wasn't what I got from listening to that interview though.

All in all, I thought the interview was interesting.  Just my .02 though.