[exiled]

I'm just wondering if the 'New Age' search for self, is more common in women?

I wonder about the effect of the New Age to a person full of existential angst at the middle age.
 
"You can achieve anything when you release your inner strength!” 
"You can unlock the secret of the Universe through channeling!” 

We often see this kind of quotes in Self-help or New Age sections in a bookstore.
The message screams that anything is within your reach as long as you don't set limits on yourself.  I suppose many can be inspired from these messages.  It is true that complete conviction and immersion is often required in order to become successful at anything.  But higher expectations can lead to bigger frustrations too.  One could find everyday normal existence stifling and mundane when she feels that the time for making something out of her life is running out.  While even unlocking the secret of the Universe seems possible if you go for it, if your spouse is wasting his precious time and mind on the weeds in the yard or the sales at the store, it could be disheartening and disappointing.  What a drag!  She would rather go with someone who says Yes!” to all the exciting possibilities.  Living open-minded as taking things with a grain of salt is a hard balance to achieve for anybody but especially for those who are a little desperate.

[honour]

I wonder about the effect of the New Age to a person full of existential angst at the middle age.
 
"You can achieve anything when you release your inner strength!” 
"You can unlock the secret of the Universe through channeling!” 

My W had her career. In recent years she was doing really well, she was working abroad a lot. I would tell her how good she was, that she was an international superstar and that she should be running the company, "you can do it!" Yep, you guessed it...she decided to have an adulterous relationship with one of her foriegn colleagues and now lives with him. I haven't seen or spoken to her since Dec 2010. Was it something I said?!

honour

[OldPilot]

I think you are all taking it too personally, if they had a broken arm prior to BD would you feel differently?

They are sick, depressed, hurting  human beings.
I am not saying that we should be doormats and let them walk all over us,
however my point is that until they emerge from the tunnel
judging them is like judging a two year old that is having a temper tantrum.
You do not like the behavior but you know that something is wrong.

[Rookie13]

These self - help books we speak of are very inspirational. Bottom line is unless your Bill Gates or somebody with all the time in the world it becomes mostly fantasy. Even when a wayward spouse finds a "yes" partner and seems to be compatible, Usually reality and responsibility sets in and the "cash" runs out.

Iv'e seen a couple of cousins go through these exact same scenario's with the tapes and the books only to find them selves in a deeper hole all the way around not just monetary.

Life's morals, rules, responsibilities and what ever else is already set for us. Not that we can't strive to be more wholesome with exercise, hobbies, education and such, but ultimately people who try to give them selves a full make over of what somebody else is usually fails in more area's than one.

I'm not saying Dr. Hollis or anyone else for that matter is brain washing but it does exist. Just look at our society and make up for one, commercials for another, always wanting everybody to be something they are not or somebody else. Hmmmmmmmm.

Sorry, may have strayed off the path here.

[Rookie13]

Op, I really don't think anybody is taking it to personal. This is real life and real feelings and real destruction and real etc, etc.  And Yes, I did discipline my two year olds in some ways. I taught them correct behavior. It isn't about being a doormat although some are. You feel the same way and you managed to hold it better.

Yes it is a disease for the MLCer, but it affects SO much and human nature in us takes over at times.

This site is great at leaving the rant/vent/opinion at the door. We are "good boys" and "good girls" who were probably assigned to watch these "lost souls" from God. But unfortunately we too must go through the "sick/depressed stage also. I think most of us are here because we give the MLCer the benefit of the doubt, don't you?

 I really and honestly don't think that Dr. Hollis meant this in his book/video when he mentions "self-actualization" and if he did, Well.........

[OldPilot]

Op, I really don't think anybody is taking it to personal. This is real life and real feelings and real destruction and real etc, etc.  And Yes, I did discipline my two year olds in some ways. I taught them correct behavior. It isn't about being a doormat although some are. You feel the same way and you managed to hold it better.

Yes it is a disease for the MLCer, but it affects SO much and human nature in us takes over at times.

This site is great at leaving the rant/vent/opinion at the door. We are "good boys" and "good girls" who were probably assigned to watch these "lost souls" from God. But unfortunately we too must go through the "sick/depressed stage also. I think most of us are here because we give the MLCer the benefit of the doubt, don't you?

 I really and honestly don't think that Dr. Hollis meant this in his book/video when he mentions "self-actualization" and if he did, Well.........

Rookie I absolutely agree with you.
We MUST go through all the stages of grief, I have been their and done that, twice now.
And maybe I will do it again, it is perfectly normal, no avoiding it.

I think part of the key is seeing it and accepting it.

[BonBon]

Exiled said:
"One could find everyday normal existence stifling and mundane when she feels that the time for making something out of her life is running out."

You have hit the nail on the head.  In fact, I think you are quoting my H without even realizeing it!  LOL.  Not funny really but honestly, this is basically one of his tenants while deep in the whole.

OP, I personally (as most of us have probably) taken it very personally.  I have told myself time and again that this is a disease of some sort and that I should not...and yet...this is where my work must be done.  I guess the difference between an MLC and a non-MLC depression is just that...the personal side of it.  Had our spouses not taken it out on us in whatever fashion, it would be far easier. 

I have had little problem wrapping my head around the MLC but my heart?  No, it's still fighting what my head knows is true and that it is not about me.  Very difficult.

[Trustandlove]

And I am the poster girl for going through the stages of grief again, and again and.......

Now way out but through. 

[arp1]

I tend to agree with BonBon here. It's incredibly difficult not to take the attacks, snide remarks, general distrust and/or ambivalence from the MLCer personally. I know I have. It was all very hurtful. She told me I was taking things she said too personally and it was her not me, but it's hard to take. When I said to her that all this has caused a lot of self-analysis and soul searching she said, "I didn't ask you to do that".  Why wouldn't I do that if I didn't care

And yes, I have judged my W for how she is now, I can't help myself. There isn't a day in the past six months or so that I haven't thought about what has and is happening to us. Sometimes I feel angry and hate comes to the surface, sometimes I just feel deflated and low. It's getting easier and the mood swings less severe, but you can't shut it off, or at least I can't.

Not sure about the New Age influences because I know nothing about that errr, philosophy, but this idea that you can achieve anything and personal fulfillment through spirituality and reaching out for the true self, seems to be a set-up for failure and disappointment: "...higher expectations can lead to bigger frustrations too".

There was a scene in a recent episode of the UK drama 'Silent Witness', where the female pathologist was struggling with a case and was sent to a psychiatrist. Without quoting all the dialogue, the gist of the exchange was that the optimistic, glass-half-full type of person, has an idealistic view of how the world/universe works and when things go wrong or things happen that they can't control they become disappointed and frustrated and suffer accordingly. My W is definitely like this and so, it seems to me, all of the sh*t that has happened in her 40s have come to a head leading to MLC.

[honour]

I tend to agree with BonBon here. It's incredibly difficult not to take the attacks, snide remarks, general distrust and/or ambivalence from the MLCer personally. I know I have. It was all very hurtful. She told me I was taking things she said too personally and it was her not me, but it's hard to take. When I said to her that all this has caused a lot of self-analysis and soul searching she said, "I didn't ask you to do that".  Why wouldn't I do that if I didn't care

This is a truth: we shouldn't take anything anyone says personally. Everyone filters life through their thoughts, feelings and emotions. Every head is a world. What our spouse's MLC teaches us is that peace comes from within. To rely on others to bring us happiness is a risky business.

Someone once said "it is better to give than to receive." We gave, now they no longer want to receive. But we want them to keep giving to us because it makes us feel good. We mustn't take it personally. Not easy to do though.

honour