[Buggy31]

For those of you that have come out of the crisis I was wondering if you could share a little bit about what your husbands discovered about themselves.  What things were healed?  After the crisis, before settling down (which I understand could result in memory loss) are they aware of what their Shadow contained?  Are they aware of abuse they have repressed?  ( IF that's part of it) Did any of your spouses share what they learned with you?  Can they even articulate this healing or is it less intellectual and more emotional/developmental?

[Mermaid]

Hi Buggy,
My H has far from come out of his tunnel, but it is clear that he has some wounds. In his case, he felt that his mum was somewhat resentful at having a family rather than a career, because she was so good at school. Then, she had to cope with 4 kids on her own after his dad was killed. I think she became very critical/ controlling, less affectionate. Then he was sent to a very strict boarding school at age 9, and didn't see he family for months. So he became very introverted in response, and autonomous, with control (and self control) as major issues. He probably failed to develop interpersonal relationships as much, and has definately worn a mask of duty and perfection. He has worked 7 days a week for the past 10 years, and much of the previous 12. He only relaxes a week into his holiday.
He projected that perfection on me when we first met (I was his angel from heaven), then became progressively furious that we were in his space, and not perfect (just human). He then projected all his fears onto me. His shadow, as far as I can see, is to lose control, stop trying to be perfect, and have a break from doing his duty. It is to accept that he is sometimes fearful, not always perfect, and to live.

[Buggy31]

Hi Mermaid
Thanks for the reply.  I was curious whether these were things he could articulate to you that he's discovered about himself through the crisis or are these things that you have figured out based on his family and what you know of him. 
Your husband sounds quite similiar to mine in that he was a huge workaholic.  He moved out last weekend and I am really beginning to realize just how absent he has been even though he has been phycially present.  I guess it makes the MLC a bit easier for me to deal with in the sense that I already was doing most by myself.  This is something we'll have to address in the future when/if he emerges from this healed.  I also suspect abuse issues in my husband's childhood.  It has become a STRONG intuition lately.  I believe it's God's way of saying "be patient, be compassionate and just love".  Most people don't understand this but it's all I know how to do. 

[Mermaid]

There are a few workaholic Hs on the forum. It's one of the masks that Accomodators have, perfecting their facades (which crack in midlife).
I have realised that my H has had issues for a long time, since I met him, and I had an idea of what they might be. However, the path of discovery has been his. He's been able to articulate a lot for himself, with time and reflection, but I've helped him with some observations, some of which he has accepted.
Like you, I've also been the one doing everything at home, kids, house, etc, while working full time (and studying). So if/ when H goes (he's planning to, calmly), it won't make a difference in terms of workload, only company.

"be patient, be compassionate and just love".  Most people don't understand this but it's all I know how to do. 

I think this is the key. No bitterness, just love.

[MarkedandHealed]

Love is always the answer, it's just difficult not having R talks, showing love while being an outcast.

[Rebel Yell]

Did anyone watch this show last night on OWN?

[Rebel Yell]

Guess not. It was very interesting, talking about childhood trauma and the wounded children.

[rememberer]

No, didn't see it. My H has been addicted to food ever since I've known him. Just before leaving me he went on a very restrictive diet and lost 70lbs. I think he's gained it all back and even more.

Tell us about the show and any significance?

Thanks

[Rebel Yell]

Every one of them had big time childhood issues. Very wounded. You could see them act like 5 year olds
when it came to eating. Some would refuse to eat and others wanted only chips. The therapist was great.
I could see all the exact same issues that we see in out MLCers, it just manifested itself in a different way.
It made me realize MLC is really almost no different than any other addiction / depression.
They were using the 12 step program also.

[Not Applicable]

I've read a lot about how childhood issues come to the fore during a MLC and that they need to be dealt with. But K-R and others like H-B never really give any examples of how this actually manifests itself. I can see POSSIBLY how some childhood issues are manifesting themselves in my husband's MLC but I am not certain about it. Can anyone give some concrete examples of where it is really clear that is what is going on and how they resolve it, if your spouse is that far along?