[Rollercoasterider]

I have just posted a new article on the blog asking everyone to check out The Coalition for Divorce Reform. That link will take you straight to the coalition website. Here is the Article on the blog.

This is about changing divorce law and they are asking for people to get involved. So this is a call to action. If you are on other forums, please let them know about this and encourage participation.

If you have some ideas or comments, post here or over at the blog too.

[Dontgiveup]

Below is the link to an article that I found helpful from a couple of different standpoints.  I do not know if this woman went through MLC.  MLC is not mentioned, but she does mention getting a fresh start, and having the belief that divorce would be the catalyst for that.

There is one mention of irreconcilable differences, but it also seems clear to me that she is the one who initiated and pursued the divorce.  About 7 years post divorce, she now has regrets.....and those regrets continue to grow stronger.

I think one other thing that is important to note.  While she is in a relationship now, she makes a point more than once of saying her current relationship would forever be second best to the one with her ex-husband.  She says it's impossible to reconcile with her ex-husband, but I get the sense it may be because he is not interested.  From the overall tone of the article, I sense she would consider it.....but that's an assumption on my part.

From my perspective, the applicability of this article is the regret.  This is simply one example.....but I think it shows a great insider look at how deep the regret can be.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1200225/Why-I-I-suspect-separated-women-regret-divorcing.html

[LearningIamOk]

Excellent article and it speaks to every concern I have about divorcing.  I worry about the long term consequences of the decision.  All the holidays, birthdays etc that will never be the same if my H decides to file.  I don't know if he considers the ramifications that a permanent split will cause.  I do and am prepared for the fight of my life to keep my marriage. 

[Sideways]

RCR-

Great article .  I would definitely like to see the changes made to where couples must wait several months before being able to file. I would like making changes in counseling procedures go to the preserving of marriage.  I am now divorced and yes, I was forced. That was the worst part.  When asked if I believed the marriage was irretrievably broken, I wanted to tell MY truth, that, "NO, I did not believe it was irretrievably broken...broken yes, but not anything that could not be repaired. I was advised to not say that I believed that.  If I did, I would be contesting it. It would be pointless to fight if my H would not work on the marriage.  He was given an easy out with the "no fault."

I kept saying , "what would he do if divorce was NOT an option?," If there were changes made to make it tougher, I felt it would possibly work at helping to "guide" the mlc'er into a different mind-path. I am not saying that it would stop the journey, as it is unstopable, but to make it NOT easy.  Make that process hard, so it is not the desirable, attractive, "option."  I don't know how it could be clarified so as to protect those who needed to get out of a dangerous situation, but I think  you understand what I mean. I sure would like to see changes.

[Trustandlove]

Even though I know we're not supposed to bring this up, in conversations I have brought up the long-term consequences of divorce; I've lived it -- my parents split (quite acrimoniously) when I was 18.  It was a horrible situation,  my father was a violent alcoholic and my mother had been having an affair for years, but despite all that the divorce STILL was awful, still was the worse alternative , and the ramifications continue 30+ years on. 

Slight caveat here:  I do believe that sometimes an addict (which an alcoholic is) needs to be left.  And in this case if my mother hadn't left my father may have well died, and her leaving was the catalyst to his working on recovery.   However my mother herself said that she probably wouldn't have gone if she didn't have someone else, and while I know how my father belittled her and I understand how awful she felt I'm still angry that she chose to have the affair.   

My mother married her affair partner and is happy, although her H has never been really involved with our family -- he wants her to himself.  I will admit that I've never liked him; I "accept" him as a fact of life. 

My father remarried as well, to a woman I have a lot of time for, she IS involved with our family (easier, as she wasn't the one who broke anything up), but all in all it is still a horrible mess.  It goes down the generations, and the scars on my siblings and me are huge. 

And this is despite everyone "getting along on the surface".  No parent has disappeared, financial obligations have been met, all that. 

Anyway, the times it has come up with H and I've asked (I know, I know, no questions) if he's read anything about it or thought about effects on children long-term he says that no, he hasn't. 

I know telling him about it or worse, sending him written material, is NOT the thing to do, so other than what's already been said I refrain.   

I'm glad to see that this gets some print space; I would of course like to see it be a lot more in the forefront, as would we all.

[OldPilot]

http://divorcereform.us/changing-the-way-we-divorce/

New Article Changing laws in NC and GA.

[StillStanding]

To me, the problem isn't that it's too easy to get divorced; it's that it's too easy to get married.

Everyone talks about forcing a couple to work out the differences when they want to separate, but no one seems to want to tell people that they are going to have those problems in the first place. Far too many marriages begin with unrealistic expectations of what it means to choose to spend the rest of your life with someone. People assume that "love is all it takes" or that they'll "just talk everything out". And that assumes a reasonably long courtship and engagement period; what about the whirlwind romances where people meet, fall in love, and get married in a matter of months? Or even days, when you have places like Las Vegas?

My friend's son is 21, has met a woman, and gotten engaged in a period of less than six months; they haven't even had a real fight yet, about anything. He actually told his mother that "if something like that comes up, we'll just talk it out!" Their plan is to get married before fall, because he is in the Army and will probably be deployed at that time for at least a year. She's going to be a brand new bride, married to a man who she's known not quite a year—and don't get me wrong, I've known this man since he was in short pants and think he's a wonderful person and could be a great husband—who will then be deployed overseas for at least that long if not longer. He stands a very good chance of coming back with some form of PTSD at best and some form of life-changing physical injury at worst. (I don't even want to think about if he is killed.)  I'm not saying that this relationship is doomed, but I do think that they are taking a LOT for granted.

Some churches do require premarital counseling, but that's only if you are going to get married in that church; nothing like that exists for marriages performed by the state. Give people a copy of Michelle Weiner-Davis's Marriage Map and make them discuss things like expectations when it comes to raising children and finances, and maybe we can lessen the need for "tougher" divorce laws.

[OldPilot]

StillStanding I do agree with what you wrote and think that we do need more education about marriage.

Can I ask if you and your wife had this counseling and education would it have stopped her MLC?
Would she be living with you now?
Is this the reason that you are not divorced yet?

I am just saying that I have learned so much here about marriage and divorce, all of which doesn't mean anything.
It still takes two people to form a marriage, and both have to be committed to making it work on a live long basis.

It seems that our laws have made it too easy on both sides of this equation.
I am starting to believe that much of present civilization thinks that divorce is a good idea.

We here on this forum are definitely in the minority.

[JD]

To me, the problem isn't that it's too easy to get divorced; it's that it's too easy to get married.

Everyone talks about forcing a couple to work out the differences when they want to separate, but no one seems to want to tell people that they are going to have those problems in the first place. Far too many marriages begin with unrealistic expectations of what it means to choose to spend the rest of your life with someone. People assume that "love is all it takes" or that they'll "just talk everything out". And that assumes a reasonably long courtship and engagement period; what about the whirlwind romances where people meet, fall in love, and get married in a matter of months? Or even days, when you have places like Las Vegas?

Yes, yes and yes.

ome churches do require premarital counseling, but that's only if you are going to get married in that church; nothing like that exists for marriages performed by the state. Give people a copy of Michelle Weiner-Davis's Marriage Map and make them discuss things like expectations when it comes to raising children and finances, and maybe we can lessen the need for "tougher" divorce laws.

For me the biggest issue is the fact that 96% of families are dysfunctional in some way and those Family of Origin issues/behaviour are the ones likely to destroy relationships.  If every potential married couple was given counseling  and an awareness BEFORE about their own behaviours and ab-reactions, we'd have healthier relationships from the start.

[toughtimes]

It seems that our laws have made it too easy on both sides of this equation.
I am starting to believe that much of present civilization thinks that divorce is a good idea.

We here on this forum are definitely in the minority.

Totally agree, my H is child of divorce and always said the worst thing you can do to your children is get divorced. I reminded him of this yesterday at mediation and he just grumbled something. He now believes it's normal and the mediator bangs on about broken families being the norm nowadays. There's a reason they are called BROKEN families.