[TrustingMyHP]

I'm curious as to what's been the experience of those of you with in-laws in how they've reacted and behaved in response to your spouse's MLC.

Have they been supportive of both of you, just your spouse, just you?  Have they taken sides?  Have they said nothing, have they "thrown you under the bus"? etc.

What's been your feelings about their behavior?  Comforted, understanding, confused, angry, hurt, sad, disappointed?

H and I've been married 38 yrs.  For most of those yrs. we've lived in the same state, 90 miles from his family.  He's one of 5 sibs. 

His sibs all live about 45 minutes from each other with most of their children and grandchildren nearby.  (All of my sibs are scattered around the country.  H & I've never lived close to any of them, although I talk to and see each of them pretty frequently.)

Both H's parents are deceased.  Before his mom died 6 yrs. ago (which I now believe was the first major trigger of H's MLC) there were frequent family gatherings on holidays and numerous other occasions.  H & I happily hosted no small number of these.

I always had a strong, warm relationship with H's parents and all his sibs.  His parents liked me very much and truly treated me like a daughter. 

This may sound strange, especially because I was an "out-law," but everyone in the family considered me to be the family historian and, I don't think this is an exaggeration, sort of the "heart" of the family.

I'm an avid genealogist and I would make elaborate yearly family calendars with birthdays, anniversaries, and legacy photos.  I did copious amounts of research at libraries in the state and found out all kinds of interesting things about the family's history.

I kept all the important genealogy documents (bibles, wills, etc.) and I started, 36 yrs. ago, an annual Yuletide party, creating special traditions and a unique ceremony, that's become a "must attend" function for everyone in H's family. 

In fact, before BD, I was organizing a bus tour of the major east coast city the family comes from that would show them the houses their great grandparents occupied, the church their parents were married in, historic or important sites in the town that had a connection to long ago ancestors and such.

My H's nieces and nephews were always especially nice to me.  After a few drinks more than one of them over the years would tell me at a family gathering that I was "their favorite aunt."

So, you guessed it, since BD I've heard almost nothing from any of my in-laws.  One of my SILs did call me twice in the immediate weeks following BD to offer sympathy. 

This is the same SIL, however, who invited H and OW to bring H's boat up to her waterfront home and live on it at her pier(!) when they went public with their 2 yr. affair after BD. 

H & OW now live on a boat in front of this SIL's house and spend a lot of social time with her & her H.  FWIW, this same SIL's H (her third) divorced his wife of over 35 yrs. to marry SIL.  That was 11 yrs. ago.  (He's estranged from his two grown sons and has grandchildren he's never met.) 

Another SIL & her H invited H & OW to her home for an elegant dinner about 6 weeks post BD.  H told me he thought it was because his S was "curious" as to what OW was like. 

This same SIL sent me an email immediately post BD (6 months ago) expressing her extreme shock and sadness about our separation (this was before I, or any of H's family, knew about the OW) and that she was not the kind of person who would "ignore a former in-law."  Yeah, right.  Last I heard from her.

Two of my H's 11 nieces and nephews have posted "how are you?" messages on my facebook page (once each.)  At least that was something.

So, to sum up, I feel abandoned by these people who I deeply cared about and treated with great affection as my second family for almost 4 decades.  I'm stunned by what appears to be a "circling of the wagons" around their errant brother and a, seeming, total indifference to me and how my life is going. 

I've talked to my own sibs about this and they've told me I'm being unrealistic to think my H's family would behave any other way.  My own S told me that she'd do the same thing if I brought home an adulterous partner and said "this is my new love, I've left my H."  She said she wouldn't approve but she would feel that she had to accept the situation and support me.

My oldest B and SIL are serious Catholics.  Their oldest D divorced, after 4 yrs. of marriage, and then married a newly divorced man.  My B and SIL were extremely upset but felt they had no choice, if they wanted to have a relationship with their D, than to accept the sitch.

My therapist is the only person I've spoken to that believes H's sibs should be "calling him out" on his behavior instead of enabling it (giving him a place to live with OW, including him in their social lives, ignoring me, etc.)  He says it's an indication of the dysfunction of H's FOO that they have so easily accepted his unethical behaviour.

Of course, as I've read here numerous times, we can't really know what's been thought or said by my H's sibs to him or about him.  My D, however, has been in touch with some of her cousins and she disdainfully reports to me that, "Mom, they think it's just fine.  Dad's in love with someone new.  To them it's no big deal."  There's been a lot of divorce in my H's family.  In addition to the SIL H's living with, he has a brother who's been married and divorced 3xs.

My D also told me something much more upsetting.  She said that some of my H's family, in her opinion, were actually "pleased" H & I separated because they saw me as a "bit of a prig" because I don't drink (don't serve alcohol in my home, either) and they felt like I had a "holier than thou" attitude about it.  (Need I say that many--about half--of my H's sibs and niece's and nephews are alcoholics. DUI, serious car accidents, falling down alcoholics.)

It chills me to the bone that people I thought really cared about me, can so easily see me replaced.  But even more hurtful is that I don't hear from them.  I'm not expecting them to take my side but it would be nice to receive a "how are you" email or text or note in the mail.  Obviously they either don't care or fear it might upset their B or don't want to "deal" with any reaction they fear I might have.

It's really hurt me.  If H & I ever do reconcile one of the big issues for me will be my feelings about his family.  I will never feel the same about them, or care about them the way I did, and will have little to no motivation to be a "good family member." 

My mom used to tell me "blood is thicker than water."  Boy was she right.

The relationship with the in-laws. . .another tragic loss of MLC.

So what's your story?

TMHP

M  58
H  60
D  22
M  38 yrs.
BD  Jan. '11
H living with OW since BD

[nesquick2]

hi tmhp
ive just got going talking on other peoples threads now so bear with me lol. my mil died 5 years ago and i think that may have been a trigger for his mlc. im pretty lucky that all hubbys family stay in touch with the kids and me. they treat me exactly the same as before which i love. i know fil has ow in his home but not sure how he feels about it. ive never discussed our break up or badmouthed there son. i just said at bomb drop that i was sad to loose them as family but they would always be the kids grandad, aunts and uncles etc. only see fil yesterday and he is so warm and caring. like the dad i never had. theyve all said that i will be like family to them forever. hope it lasts. even bil rings regularly or inboxes me on facebook. maybe time will bring them back closer to you. have to say my kids are aged 4 - 13 so maybe being younger has helped. hope this helps. anything else feel free to ask 

[Dontgiveup]

My MIL started digging to see if I was having an affair.  Obviously I wasn't worried about that.....dig away.  Nothing to find.  She was sure that was the real reason why my wife wanted to divorce me so badly.

One of my SIL's felt bad for me.  She sent me a message before the divorce just saying hello.  Other than that, no contact with them.

FIL passed away a few years ago and I believe his death is the trigger.

With perhaps a few exceptions, blood will be thicker.  Not to mention, if unresolved childhood issues are the cause of MLC, you probably won't get much help from that direction anyway.

[LoveMeMyself]

My MIL passed away 4 years ago........probably started the MLC.  My ex hubby has 3 other siblings.......an older sister and brother, then his twin brother.  He is not in contact or close to the older two but he has a tight bond with his twin (naturally).  So, his brother and SIL are the only family to speak of.  They turned their backs on me immediately.  I reached out to them both on several occasions only to have them disregard me completely.  So, now they are all a happy little threesome.  It hurt me so much at first but now I'm over it.  I don't know what all my ex might have said to them about me and there is nothing I can do about it.  My ex once told me in the earlier months of all this mess that his brother/SIL always thought I didn't like them.  Whatever.  Never believe what an MLC'er says!  As DGU said, blood is thicker than water. 

[NewBeginnings]

My mother-in-law for the last 24 years totally cut me off.  She became very cold and stand offish.  We were always very close
and had a great relationship.   She really did a number on me because she knew about my H and his new love since last year.  My BD was 2/11.  The week after my BD, she flew to FL from NY and stayed with my H and OW and helped them move
into a house together with my furniture ect..  At this point I knew nothing of OW.  H told me he was alone.  He lied.  OW
had been living with my H for 3 months before my BD.  He worked out of town and we had an apartment there.  He came
home on Friday evenings. 

 H and his mother
even came down two Saturdays in a row and took our S for the day.  I even went to dinner with them one time.  My H
had the nerve to ask me if they could spend the night here.  At first I said yes but then I knew I couldn't handle it so I said no so they drove back home that night 3 hours away.   Now when I think back I am sooooo angry.  How could they look
me or our S in the eyes.  They both were lying and being so deceitful.  I feel like such a fool.  I am so embarrassed
and I totally lost respect for my mother-in-law.  What she did was so morally wrong.  She helped teach our S
that it is ok to be married and yet be living with a mistress at the same time.  She also got a loan for my H so he could buy
a brand new Harley to hide it from me just a few days after BD.      

I am sorry, but my mother-in-law always claimed to be a Christian woman and her behavior is not something a Christian
person would do.   She hurt her grandson deeply and now she and my H still act as though they did nothing wrong.  It
is really sad and disturbing.  I thought she would stay neutral at least because we always did have a great relationship.
Plus, she went through this numerous times with my H's father.  He was an alcoholic and left H and his mother many
times and went and lived with other woman.  My H was 10 and younger when this went on.  I think that is why it hurts me
so much because she talked about those days several times over the years and how hurt she was by her husbands
behavior and then she helped her son do the same exact thing to me and her grandson.  She has even said that she
was just as sick as him back then for letting him treat her like that.  H's father also called my H's mother on his death
bad and apologized to her and asked for her forgiveness.   

[Chrysalis]

When my partner told his daughter, she was distraught and said she hoped that didn't mean that she wouldn't be in touch with me any more.  He then told his mother and sister and when they saw his daughter, his mother said "What an idiot" and his sister said he was having a midife crisis.

Since then, his daughter has been a fabulous support to me but the rest of his family have almost tried to pretend that I no longer exist.  We were together sixteen years and I thought I got on really well with his mother and fine with his sister but I never heard anything from either of them again apart from a Christmas card from his mother, nearly four months after bomb drop, which mentioned nothing about what had happened.

They have had disagreements with his daughter over her still seeing me as I am not 'family'.  His sister told her that I only made an effort with his daughter because I was told to and that I'd never made an effort with them!  She also said I was jealous of her very close relationship with her brother.  (Luckily his daughter knows that that relationship never existed and that he couldn't stand her.  He always said that he loved his sister but he didn't like her.)  His sister is now - I think - best buddies with OW.

I just don't understand it as I haven't done anything to them.  I just can't imagine what he actually told them.  His daughter thinks the mother is totally influenced by his sister and whatever she says goes.  In fact, at New Year when my ex met up with his daughter and she was upset at the way they were all trying to pretend that nothing had happened, he asked his mother to put in a good word for him.  Her answer was apparently:  "Why, is she being censorious?".  Luckily his daughter is now old enough not to believe any lies that she is told.

[StandandDeliver]

Mine have been very supportive (and have tried to support H too, but until recently I believe were unwilling to meet OW). That may have changed now, I don't really want to know, but they have helped me out a lot. I think part of it is just that we have very small children that my IL's don't want to lose. I think that they also know that H is having some sort of crisis because he fails to contact his kids etc. I don't talk about him with them ever, I keep the relationship that the kids and I have with them as separate as I can. MIL was also staying with me to help with the kids after BD, she witnessed some of H's bizarro behaviour and he lied to her a couple of times too, so I think she understands better than maybe she would even like to.

I do think that perhaps if my children had been older, or if there hadn't been any the situation might have been different, but tbh I would probably have been less inclined to stay in touch with them if there had been no kids. I also wonder if H would have even had this MLC without kids because MLC seems to have been triggered in part by fatherhood, FOO issues from his own childhood and a total freak out and inability to handle responsibility on any level.

My IL's have been great and they tell me they see themselves as neutral. The truth is that they are not neutral (their son will always be their son and they will always want to give him the benefit of the doubt in a way that they won't with me). Hence why I don't talk about H with them, or with SIL with whom I have been friends for a very long time. To maintain a R with them I need to behave "as if" with them too. "As if" everything is fine. Which of course is not the whole truth.

[Synicca]

My FIL and MIL are very upset with my H.

My FIL told him from the very beginning..." I don't agree with what your doing, but I can't stop you"
and he told him " You better take care of your responsibilities or I'll make sure our Grand daughter
gets everything you own"

My MIL tried several times to talk to H about His "crazy behaviour" She in fact told H to never bring Ow
around while she is home.

My IL's are 100% on my side and are very supportive of me and my D13. MY FIL actually told me
to "take my H for everything he's got and then some"

They are very upset at him for abandoning their Grand daughter...and they do not speak to him
at all...of course my H doesn't contact them either...

[Mamma Bear]

 Wow I didn't realize how lucky I was. After my H didn't come home on Valentine's Day I emailed his Bros and Sisters that he was mssing. Everyone sprang into action. When I confronted him on the side street near the kids school he pushed me aside to " Be with his REAL friend now"   I emailed them back in the subjet line I wrote "My Biggest Fear"
 I told them he was back on vicodin and he abandoned his family.
 They are pissed at him. Several have called him and ripped him a new one. Others ARE NOT SPEAKING TO HIM. They say he needs to grow up. They say he's been a disaster his whole life and I was the best thing that ever happened. Last week in a chaotic scramble to make it feel real he brought Bowser Ow to his Mom's to pick up a jacket someone forgot. He didn't go inside and his Mom said she didn't talk. She gave them the nastiest look she said. I don't think they'll try that again. I let her live here for 6 mos pre BD.  She almost died in the hospital.
 His one BIL from long ago said"I'll stay neutral"
  I asked him "How can you stay neutral. neutral in what? Child and spouse abandonment?" 
   I'm giving everyone stuff to PROCESS!
 i am so sorry for all of you. People suck,,,,I mean some people suck.
 Everyone here rocks........

[kikki]

I'd been treated like a daughter by my inlaws for past 23yrs.  Inlaws appeared sweet, loving and caring.
FIL passed away 4 years ago - think it also was the trigger.
I was close to MIL - I used to be her rock.  H not that close to siblings or mother. But felt duty bound towards her.
At BD, I mentioned a few of H's out of character behaviours to MIL.  She was 'scared' for us.
A few weeks later I dared to ask a couple of 'skeleton in the closet' questions at the recommendation of my SIL.
Hmmmn, that was the turning point.  Denial from MIL and then accusations from her to me started about maybe we did have a bad marriage after all!  Huh? She hung up on me.
No contact from her at all for over a year, until a few weeks ago.  Phoned re a natural disaster in our area - were we all safe?  Didn't mention H at all.
She said how much she loved us all. No further phone contact.  But I did receive a birthday card.  I have no desire to phone her.

Boys and I also have been so shocked and hurt at the rejection.  DGU - agree completely.  If MLC is about unresolved childhood issues, then of course dysfunction will set in at the source too.
To acknowledge H's behaviour towards boys and I, would be for my MIL to acknowledge how she in some way failed her son.