[forthetrees]

Holy Smokes MF. It does shed light on how screwed up the FOO really is. Meditate before you go and just keep breathing deeply while there. They are most likely as mystified as you as to the why of the train wreck. It will give them hope to see that you have healed and are able to find joy in life. Of course, that just intensifies the loss of a wonderful DIL. At this point, karma bus will hit exh, but what does it matter at this point to you?

Hugs,
FTT

[WhatAboutUs]

Wowy MF,

You are something aren't you.

This interaction really stayed with me and I sought advice from the wise LBS posse and decided this was meant to happen for a reason and that I had to trust that the reason would become clear. So, I sent them a card (carefully chosen with a black and white still of Dorothy, Lion, Tin man and Scarecrow on the front) and invited the pair of them for tea and cake next weekend.

I think you are so right. This happend for a reason. Good for you to invite the Wizards of Oz.  This is a major step and takes a lot of courage. I know you are doing this for the kids primarily. Your children will guide you through this, and if they feel that after this weekend they want to see their grands again they will tell you so. And then you can decide what to do. Just one step at a time remember...

You are so much a better person than they are. You will be strong when meeting them. This really is forgiveness towards them and how they have betrayed you in all its ways. And indeed they will feel the loss of a wonderful DIL, but that's their concern.

Don't let them trigger you. When the conversation doesn't go where you want it to go then just stop, zip up and end it with grace and dignity.
You'll manage I'm sure of that. Remember that the posse is thinking of you and stands behind you.

Huggs, WAU

[speed racer]

Hi everyone,
I know I've posted about my in-laws and sister in-laws being very supportive of me.

I am having a very hard time with something that has happened within the past few weeks.

Through out the ordeal of my wife wanting out of the marriage and initiating divorce, packing up boxes right in front of our kids
and putting them all over the house I was told by my mother in law that I was alway welcome to go over to their house, I was told that I could call anytime and thai I was always going to be their son-in-law.

I have a couple of sister in laws who have had my back and supported me.  One of them was extremely helpful and jumped at every chance to
be there for me when when times got hard and I was an emotional wreck.

A couple of weeks ago this threw what little emotional stability I had out the window:

My wife has finally put her foot down on her family for still having any sort of relationship with me.
This really really hurts.  My sister in laws and her parents let me know that I was always going to be their son in law/brother in law no matter
what.  They ensured me that even if my stbxw didn't like it, I was still going to be in their lives and part of their family.

Well apparently some of them have changed their mind.  The sister in law that was the closest to me sent me a text - not even a call to inform me
that while at my wife's townhouse, my wife started crying and didn't understand why everyone was behind "me" and no one seemed to be worrying about her.
She told me that she felt bad about hurting her sister - total 180 from what they were telling me -

As far as my MIL and FIL, I don't know what their thoughts are now - I just think they are stuck between a rock and a hard place and I feel funny about
calling them.  I remember my MIL one time said "I don't know what to tell you."  I had a very long talk with my FIL and he seemed just as upset at the situation
as I did.  He said "maybe she just needs time."  I don't really call them that much because I don't want them to ever think "Oh, it's speed again" and loose the support and comfort
I had always gotten from them.

I'm devastated in the sense that my SIL told me so often that "no matter what, your still our brother in law / son in law"
It is a kick in the heart....

I am speechless again...
Speed

[Velika]

Speed Racer, I'm sorry you are going through this. One of the most condusing things to me -- and my family -- is how MLCer's family has responded.

It is not easy, but if I were you I would attempt not to engage emotionally with the family. Be courteous and polite, but otherwise give them distance. Keep the focus on the kids and don't bring up your wife; if they bring her up try to do more listening than talking. From what I have read, eventually the MLCer will often begin to lash out at their family as well, and the farther you are from that the better.

I asked my own parents if I had suddenly left my husband for another man what they would say, wouldn't they be checking in on my husband all the time and questioning what I was doing. I was really shocked when they told me that if I were telling them things like how awful my husband "really" was -- they would likely believe me.

So there you go, from two people who like me have been left stunned and hurt by outrageous MLC behavior.

I know this is very painful. It feels like betrayal on all sides. I would take comfort though that until your wife intervened the family did show you a lot of support.

[Reallytrying]

Speed - I maintain a very close relationship with my SIL but even she has done things in this MLC that have hurt me. I think they are stuck between a rock and a hard place. They love you but love her too. One of the things that has helped with my relationship with the in laws is I never bring up H abs what's going on that way they don't feel like that they have to choose between me and him. I don't think your SIL has done a 180 she just doesn't want it to seem like she's choosing you over her sister. Give her a bit of space but also let her know that you certainly would never ask her to make that type of choice and you simply want to maintain your connection to them.

It's really amazing how many people get caught up in and hurt during all this MLC mess.

[Jaybeecee]

I try not to take it personally.  I told my MIL from the start she needed to support her son.  Let's face it in the end he is going to need it more than me.

 It hurt like hell that they invited OW and her children to their house for a weekend. But they are worried about xH and their grandchildren and this was he only way to get him to visit.  I figure the closer they are to the MLCer, the more they can see the crazy we see.

As for your W crying the blues about it, that's script.  Poor me, pay attention to me, I'm suffering, it's all about me.  My xH did that too. 

[Ready2Transform]

What you are experiencing is common. I agree with others that you should not look to them for emotional support or validation. They cannot control your W any more than you can. It may get worse with them before it gets better (mine eventually joined his "team" during our divorce and claimed false things for his benefit, befriended OW, etc). Focus on you.

[Dji76]

Part of the lbs journey to being a better man (or woman) is suffering and OVERCOMING repeated blows. You will get through this Speed. My inlaws did the same and a year later I am close with all of them again. None of them have a relationship with my x anymore. I know my sitch is not the norm, but it does happen. Keep working on yourself and you will attract the right people into your life.

[BBhelp]

Speed,

In-laws are not someone that you should depend on...or necessarily trust.  I think they mean well for a while but they no more understand your wife than you do...and eventually they all seem to cave out of fear of losing their child and access to grandkids.  I know mine was trying to be helpful...but he got run over like an orange cone at drivers ed before long...he was no match for her when she was spinning.  So be careful what you share with them...because the odds are it will get back to her and will get twisted into something it was not meant to be.  One of the folks i used to talk with regularly had a great relationship with his in-laws for a long time after BD...than one day they were in court telling the judge how depressed and unstable he was and that he was a danger to his children.   Blood is always thicker...

Stay Strong Speed.  Focus on some things that have nothing to do with your wife or your marriage.

BB

[Anjae]

Speed, I have merged your thread regarding in-laws with our existing one. You can find here the experiences of several board members with in-laws.