This is a letter that I would suggest that people seeking divorces be required to read out loud to their children and others in their families and communities.
The items in brackets are there to be selected by the person sending the letter depending on their situation.
I apologize in advance for the sarcastic tone which comes from the anger I feel at my MLC spouse. I take responsibility for that feeling and know I can do better.
Also, I'm sorry to not have given it the editing attention it needs before posting.
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Dear [number][sons][daughters]:
I am going to leave my marriage to your [father][mother]. Even thought [he][she] wants to keep trying, I have run out of ideas about how to keep it together. He/she is so [awful], [impossible], [abusive], [unkind], [intoxicated], [depressed], [unattractive], [unsuccessful], [sexually incompetent], [unpleasant to be around], [dishonest], [untrustworthy], [unintelligent], [critical] that I [just can’t stand it another day][can’t stay in the mood][have just fallen out of love]. I have to move on and try to build my life alone or with someone else.
I hope [he][she] can just figure it out and figure out a way to “move on.” (I am, of course, aware, that, especially since we have children together, that there’s really no such thing as “moving on” in the sense that we can cleanly exit from each others’ lives. In fact, thanks to the fact that we’re physically quite healthy and that neither of us is planning to resign from parenthood, we will be in each others’ and all of your lives for a very long time, so the notion of moving on is denial of reality. What I really mean is that I will do the best I can to work through the many things that we will have to figure out as time goes on and hope for the best. If we don’t happen to do a good job, you will suffer. You might want to think about whether we’ll be able to do that well since we couldn’t work together well enough to stay married.)
I know that marriage is supposed to be a healing partnership and that the challenges that the two people face are the source of the healing from the emotional damage that’s a part of everyone’s life. I’ve also heard that I can learn the most about myself from the strong reactions I have to the people I’m closest to. But I just don’t feel like dealing with it. I’m just too scared and tired. So, instead of turning against the problem, I decided to turn against your [mother][father]. I know that means extreme emotional stress for you, but that’s just the breaks.
My new lover is just better for me. [He][She] listens really well, understands and meets my needs and makes me feel sexy, loved and alive. I’m happier, and it will be good for you to see me with someone who makes me happy. (I’ve heard that thing about needing to take responsibility for my own happiness, but I don’t really believe it. I think the person you’re with as a life partner is who makes you happy.) I know this is going to be very hard on you and your [father][mother]. But you’re resilient, and seeing yourselves and your [father][mother] and I work through a difficult situation well will teach you useful things about compromise. On the other hand, I’m certainly not going to compromise on my position that I’ve just had it.
I know this creates enormous problems for you and your [mom][dad] but I think it solves my key problem, so that’s just the way it’s going to be. “If I am not for myself…” oh forget it. You’re all strong and you’ll figure it out – yeah, that’s the ticket.
As I said, I’ve just run out of ideas. My needs were simply not being met and were never going to be met unless I [opened myself up to a relationship with another person] [decided to live alone]. I was just simply unhappy being married to your [father][mother] and the things I needed to do to make myself happy were not things I could do inside our marriage. I couldn’t [make that career change], [go back to school], [learn a new skill], [get involved in the community], [travel alone or in a group], [make new friends or deepen existing friendships], [start a collection], [remodel our house], [think about other ways to help our family], [learn to play an instrument], [learn to invest our family’s money], [think of ways to help you in your lives], [run for office], or any of the other mind, body and soul nourishing things I’m thinking about doing once I’m out of our marriage because being married to your [father][mother] was so incredibly awful, hopeless and was never going to get better. It’s really [his][her] fault – I tried and [she][he] didn’t.
For my part, I did everything that anyone could do. I tried as hard as anyone could try. I am absolutely positive that I expressed my concerns as clearly as anyone could, and did so in the most constructive way I could so that your [father][mother] could understand and not feel threatened by a set of demands that simply couldn’t be understood or realistically met. I brought a good set of marriage skills with me and worked to improve them over time. I looked hard to find the best books, the best therapists, the best know-how about how our inner emotional lives work including the way the human brain works in long term marriage. I accurately and tirelessly assessed my own childhood wounds, figured out why things your [father][mother] did triggered strong emotions in me and I’m sure I didn’t misunderstand any of them. I tried to carefully understand why [he][she] did the things [he][she] did, even the ones which shocked me, and I’m sure that no one could have empathized better and I’m sure I didn’t create the conditions that caused some of the less admirable parts of your [father][mother] to come out. I understand that a GOOD marriage requires everyone to bring their best game, their best parts, the best version of themselves. I brought mine consistently and really couldn’t do better. Your [mother][father] didn’t bring theirs or what they brought wasn’t good enough in my opinion. I guess you’ll always wonder what you have to do to make sure your [current][future] spouse doesn’t reach the same conclusion. It’s a little tough to explain, so that will create a lot of anxiety in you since you’re the [son][daughter] of someone who was left, but that’s just the way it has to be so that I can be happy.
We did some therapy, and could have decided to hunt tirelessly for the best therapist, until we found someone who could help us. However, after we tried a few and I still felt unhappy, I decided that our marriage must be fundamentally flawed. (I guess I could have decided to look harder for someone who could help us because as difficult as that would be, I wanted to communicate through my actions that your health and well being were incredibly important to me, and that since we know a good marriage between their parents is the best possible thing for children’s health and well being, I could have treated it as though failure was not an option, but I guess I just didn’t feel like it.) However, having [put in][not put in] that level of effort, I just decided that it was never going to work, that I could never create that loving secure family we promised you when we brought you into the world.
Here are some keys to successful marriage that I once read:
The Keep Your Marriage Philosophy
The steps to creating an exceptional marriage include:
1. Accepting responsibility for your own actions
2. Minimizing blame and resentment
3. Focusing on how you need to change
4. Directing energy into becoming the kind of marriage partner you'd like to have
It is possible to create the marriage of your dreams if you're willing to work hard, love deeply, dream big, and persevere.
Here is another set of keys to successful marriage:
1. Passion
2. Friendship
3. Commitment
It’s interesting how there are different approaches to understanding what makes a successful marriage. It’s just that none of them apply to me.
I just fell out of love, ran out of time to talk about it and just don’t feel anything. That’s all anyone needs to know. Something just broke and I’m helpless to reattach it. I know you’ll see me trample the health and welfare of your [father][mother] and you may see them desperately try to hang on out of a strong sense of loyalty to you and the happy family we promised we would give you, and that will be hard to see, but that’s just the way it has to be because I was unhappy. Sorry about that.
Please be aware that as you observe me leave your [father][mother], you’ll be gaining a deep subconscious fear of abandonment. That fear may play out as hypervigilance in close love relationships, especially marriage. You’ll be constantly thinking, perhaps subconsciously, “If my [mom][dad] can leave my [mom][dad] and I come from that [mom][dad], perhaps I’m flawed like [she][he] must be, so someone might want to leave me, too.” The damage done by your hypervigilance might not play out for many years. Mid-life would be likely timing, so be ready.
I’m aware that love is a verb, not a noun, that you don’t just have it or not have it, that chemistry is something we can make if we decide to do so. But I decided to stop making the chemistry.
I’m sorry about the sacred promise we made to you when we brought you into the world to create a loving, kind, nurturing family. I guess we’re just not going to be able to do that after all. There’s some controversy about how bad divorce is for children, but I’m aware that there’s absolutely no controversy about the fact that children from loving, kind, nurturing families do better in all aspects of their lives. Oh well.
I am aware that every long term relationship needs repair work done, but I decided I had done enough. Sorry about that.
I did as much as anyone could to make your [father][mother] feel great in the context of our marriage.
I am aware that children, of all ages, learn emotional regulation from observing their parents regulate THEIR emotions while staying in a close relationship to each other. I am aware that this is one of the most important skills parents can teach their children. Sorry about that. You may be able to learn it in a book or with enough therapy, or, more likely, by having a very hard time doing it with your spouse. Our parents didn’t do a very good job of it, so we didn’t learn it, and we’re passing the favor along to you.
You should be aware that there’s a chance that I or your [mother][father] will meet someone and make a commitment to that person. That person may want or need to move to another part of the country to take a new job or to be supportive of that person’s family, and your [mother][father] will need to go along. At that point, assuming that they stay together, our family will be even more fractured than it is now. The two homes you might want to go to for happy holiday occasions may be in two different cities, far apart from each other. This will put even greater stress on you as you start to have children and want to look to your family of origin for support. Alternatively, that couple may break up at that point, meaning that you are going to watch yet another commitment be violated. Sorry about that.
Another thing you may want to be aware of is that if I or your [mother][father] gets sick or needs help in some other way in the future, we may be single and the other person may not be. This will mean that the single person’s needs will need to be met by you, or not be met, since the other person’s new spouse probably won’t appreciate the idea that I or your [mother][father] is spending time and perhaps money on trying to help their former spouse. This will put pressure on you and your family, and the relationship you have with your spouse, creating frustration, confusion, shame and guilt. That will be yet another affect of my choice to leave my marriage to your [father][mother].
My decision to leave our marriage has enormous financial implications, too. But don’t worry, it’s just money. Money isn’t needed for the most important things in life –love and good relationships – oops, I guess these aren’t the most important things in life – my happiness is. Anyway, it’s just money. All it can do is buy things like a home or vacation home that allow people to connect and nurture their good relationships, help you buy a home, pay for college tuition for you or your children, ensure retirement security for your [father][mother] and me, as well as pay for health care and long term care for us so that you don’t have pressure put on you to help us with it. The easily $2 million on rent or mortgage payments for a second home during the next 40 or 50 years where your [father][mother] and I will live isn’t really that big a deal. Oh, and the money we’re spending every month on a second home, enriching [a landlord][a mortgage company] could buy a large life insurance policy which would pay off when we die, helping ensure your retirement security. But I guess we won’t buy that policy because we’re spending money on a second residence (and no, I don’t mean a vacation residence.) We’ll each probably meet someone who will help share that cost – or we might not. In fact, we might meet someone and make a commitment to that person and find that that person USES money that your dad or I could have used for your benefit. It’s risky – it might work out and it might not. Sorry about that.
You may also notice that no one will help support the notion that a good marriage between your parents is critical to your health and well being. Many people’s attitude is, “Well [he][she] was just unhappy but as long as [he][she] loves the children, then it’s ok. Things happen and time heals all wounds. Kids are resilient, after all, and adversity can be a great teacher.” For some reason, no one will stand up for marriage. The promises that people make at the wedding to support the couple seem to be just forgotten about. I’m grateful for that, because if someone besides your [mom][dad] actually stood up for our marriage, that would make things pretty uncomfortable for me, and I don’t like being uncomfortable.
You’ll notice that some or a lot of the family friends sort of disappear out of your life because they just don’t know what to do or think and may not want to appear to be taking sides, so they just do nothing – don’t invite our family to parties, don’t get together for movies, don’t go on trips together – any of the things we used to do, because it’s just too hard to figure out how to deal with us. This will be true for aunts and uncles and other family members, too. Many of the nurturing experiences and good memories you would have otherwise had will just not happen. But it’s all worth it, because don’t forget, I tried everything, and I was just unhappy, and my individual happiness is the most important thing – in the end it’s good for everyone if I’m happy.
In your marriages in the future, if you’re unhappy, you should feel free to do the same thing and leave your marriage, even if you have kids. If you decide that your happiness means you have to get physically involved with someone else, it’s ok, as long as you tell everyone ahead of time. Grandparents will also sort of disappear from your lives because they’re so mad at me that I left your [mom][dad] and they’re very traditional about all that. That’s too bad, because they could decide to take the high road, but they just won’t.
I’m aware that knowing how to repair relationships is one of the most important skills we can teach you, but since things were so bad, I just decided that it would be better to teach you that some lines, once crossed, can never be recovered from. In my case, that was [infidelity], [emotional or physical abuse for which there was no contrition and recognition that the behavior was inappropriate], addiction to [drugs][alcohol][gambling][working out][pornography][excessive criticism], [refusal to go to work or otherwise provide for my and the family’s needs and no desire to try to understand those needs and meet them], [breaking laws], [depression], [etc.]. Those things are just unforgiveable, and I certainly didn’t have any addictions or other misery stabilizers that might have been making your [mother][father] feel unloved the way [he][she] did to me, so, once again it’s [his][her] fault.
I understand that divorce is a more or less solved problem, that current understanding of the way the brain works in long term marriage can help explain some of the scary physical symptoms that people use as evidence that the marriage is fundamentally broken. I also understand that it’s a multi-generational problem and that the wounds from my childhood created the overreactivity and susceptibility to misunderstanding that got your [mother][father] and me to this point. Our marriage was so fundamentally broken and I was so unhappy that I decided it’s better to end the marriage than to try to understand those aspects of myself, knowing that the trauma and shock of doing so would wound you badly, kicking the can down from my generation to yours. Maybe you’ll be able to solve it with your spouse before it ends up getting kicked along further to your kids.
I’m aware that this decision will very likely create difficult loyalty conflicts for you, for the rest of your life. I’m also aware that you’ll make your own judgments about me and your [mother][father] which you may not feel comfortable telling us, nor working through with us, since I’ve taught you that sometimes you have to decide you’re done talking about things and just walk away, even with the people who you are the closest to in the world.
I’m aware that you’re learning that someone in your immediate family may decide that they love you conditionally, even though I know that a sense that you are unconditionally loved is one of the most important things we can do for your emotional health.
I know that family dinners are one of the most important things we can do for your emotional and intellectual development, but I’ve decided that it’s ok to sacrifice these important nurturing experiences. I guess you’ll have to get that nurturing somewhere else.
I know that this creates the need for you to either go back and forth between my residence and your [mom’s][dad’s] or for your [mom][dad] to come to your house with the awkwardness of a guest, creating tension and shame for you either way. This will be true for the rest of your life. Sorry about that.
Also, while my days will be happier, all of our future family occasions and rituals will be fraught with confusion, shame and guilt for you. You’ll probably just decide to avoid them. But it’s not that many days, really. It’s only the important and previously happy family occasions - every Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Memorial Day, Labor Day, long weekend, birthday (yours, your children’s, mine and your [mom’s][dad’s]), wedding, childbirth, graduation, Bar Mitzvah, funeral, and the dozens and dozens of other things that happy families celebrate together. But after all, I was unhappy, so what am I supposed to do?
I am aware that by rejecting your [mother][father] you will feel at least subconsciously, that I have rejected you. I am aware that this is especially true for [mothers rejecting fathers of sons][fathers rejecting mothers of daughters]. Oh well – sorry about that. When you, my [son][daughter] get married and have [sons][daughters] of your own, it’s fine to decide that you’re done with the marriage to your [wife][husband] because, after all, I did. If I perceive that you’re being cruel and insensitive to my grandchildren, I won’t say anything, because after all, your happiness is the most important thing.
I guess we won’t be able to go on vacations together as a family, either. Sorry about that.
I’m sorry that you’ll have to deal with a fractured family when you get ready to get married. I hope it won’t be embarrassing to you, but it probably will be to some extent.
Because you’ll probably be avoiding these happy family occasions, you won’t see as much of your siblings as you would otherwise, even if you live in the same city, and you may drift apart from them. This may bring you closer together, but it’s just as likely that this may erode another one of your important emotional support structures. Sorry about that – it’s just the way it has to be because I tried everything I could, did everything right, have nothing more to learn from my relationship to your [father][mother] and so I’m done.
I’m only neglecting your [father][mother] as I form a relationship with another person. None of the time, energy and attention I’m putting into that is a loss for you. In fact, since I’m so much happier, it will actually be a net gain for you, and the person I bring into my life will be a new connection for you. It’s true that that connection will be fraught with shame and guilt as you try to figure out if the parent who was left and is still reeling is ok, but you’ll figure that out over time, probably in stressful dark moments with your spouse.
I’m aware that shame from relationship trauma is a key contributor to addictions and that I’m putting you at substantially increased risk for that kind of problem. However, you’ll be ok because you’re a strong and resilient person who would never fall into an addiction. In fact, I’m aware that this is probably one of the most devastatingly damaging things I could do to you, but that’s just the way it’s going to be.
I know that our many years of family photos will be confusing for you instead of a source of joy and comfort, but that’s just the price that has to be paid.
My view of marriage is that it’s primarily an exchange of services. If the services aren’t being provided in the ways I expected, then the marriage is essentially void. I have heard that thing about a difficult marriage is a pointer toward growth and a greater level of self-awareness – sort of a healing partnership -- which would be good for me and thereby create great benefits for you. However, I just don’t really feel like finding out about all that. It just hurts too much to look at my role in the toxic emotional mess, so I’m not going to bother to help clean it up in a way that would allow me to stay married to your [father][mother]. The new person I’m with just provides a much more suitable set of services.
Some people would say I’m in a self-absorbed, self-protective mode. Others would say I am in a lot of pain and that I am going through some developmental stages that I missed as a child or teenager. I am really not open to any of that and feel that I’m just creating my destiny. I know that hurts a lot of people, not just your [mother][father], but if I’m happy I think it’s just better for everyone.
I’ve heard it said that our children will have harmonious inner lives if we create a harmonious family. Oh well. Tough $hit. I’m unhappy and that’s all that matters to me.
I know that when I disappear for the weekend or overnight with my lover I’m communicating to our children that they aren’t the most important people in the world to me. Well, they’re not. My lover is because [he][she] makes me feel so good in a way that I just couldn’t within our marriage.
I’m sure that by agreeing to work on our marriage I could create an incredible sense of relief for all of the people in our family. But it would just be too terrible for me. I would have to look at myself and assess things about me that are just too hard to look at. I am aware that following through with our divorce weakens our family in many critical ways, such as emotionally, physically and financially. But it will strengthen me, and that will help everyone, even my ex. The wounds I inflicted won’t stay open and festering forever. You’ll heal them with your spouse, probably. I hope it won’t be too difficult for you even though it was way too difficult for me.
I am aware that divorce is a non-stop, broad-based, never-ending, lifelong, cross-generational emotional, mental-health and financial nightmare and that my decision to force a divorce will negatively affect dozens or hundreds of people, some of whom aren't even born yet. Oh well. I guess that's just the price everyone has to pay so that I can be happy.
I’ve grown as much as I can inside our marriage and I need someone else to help me grow more.
As you can see, I’ve made up my mind and I’m done talking about it, because after all, I tried, your [mom][dad] didn’t and there are just limits to what someone can be expected to put up with.
Love,
[Mom][Dad]
Cc: current or future spouses of children
Cc: our current and future grandchildren,
Cc: our parents, brothers and sisters
Cc: our aunts, uncles and cousins
Cc: our family friends and children of family friends
Cc: members of our religious, social, athletic and hobby communities
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Letter from the MLCer