[Mermaid]

This is a question we'd all like to know the answer to. The book by Laura Munson had a happy ending after quite a short time. (see http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=120.0).

I also have hope, but too much hope can be negative. We can't live for a future that might not happen. This is the hardest thing. We have to live for ourselves, in the present time.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Does anyone get back together? I have been asking myself this question since April. By being consistent and loving, can I create a strong enough atmosphere for my wife to heal on her own? One thing this forum has helped me realize is that their are no quick fixes or mind games that are going to snap my wife out of this. It will be a long journey for both of us. I no longer fixate on her issues. Instead, I fixate on my issues. I have to be strong and able to support my family. I have to place my faith in the Lord and know in that faith that he has a plan for the both of us. Do I believe we will get back together? The truth? I would not be typing these words, reading your stories, reflecting and building myself, ignoring the advice of my friends to dump her and move on, to accept the pain, the ignored words and unreturned love,  the emotional affair, her lack of communication with the girls, and the list goes on and on. If I did not believe that I could save the marriage, I would be on a forum discussing divorce. Instead, I believe in our future! I am the only one in my marriage that believes in our future. In fact, I believe that when we get back together, we will be even stronger than ever. It is because my vows state for better or worse, because I believe in the strength of my love that I will save my family. Not only will she be a better person, I will be a better husband and father. This site is filed with pain, but interlaced in those words is hope. We are here because we believe. Not only do I believe in myself, I believe in each and everyone that contributes to this site. I know in a few years we will be reading about our success. Keep writing and reading and may we all find the inner peace and happiness that represents true love.

[MarkedandHealed]

Forgive me, but I'm calling you Fix from now on... too long.

Beautiful post. That's what is going to get us through, hope, and love.

Keep your eyes on the Lord and your heart soft and open.

Rely on the Lord to protect your heart from breaking, leaving you open, gentle, caring, compassionate, kind.

Putting up walls and protecting yourself will lead to scarring and then you will not feel the emotions as closely and realistically.

Instead, trust in the Lord and He will keep us safe while we grow and learn and STAND.

[HeartsBlessing]

 

Is there anyone out there, who going through this situation, finally get back together?  If so how long did it take?

The answer to your first two questions is yes, my marriage came through this, whole, but changed for the better; my husband was in his crisis for three years, and we came through with the help of the Lord, who brought us both through; him through his, me through mine;(mine took 6 years) as his triggered mine.

Are you stronger?

Yes, I AM stronger than I was BEFORE his crisis, the changes I went through as a result, made me a stronger person..there were NO guarantees that my marriage would come through, but even if it hadn't, I STILL would have been successful, because I GREW and MATURED through the events that happened.

How do you know if it's MLC?

MLC generally hits between the ages of 35 and 55, sometimes just a little earlier, and sometimes a little later.  They invariably question themselves, and if you read the stages I wrote that are stickied above, you will know if your husband is going through MLC; it usually starts with the bomb drop of ILYBNILWY; they are usually deep within Replay at that time.  Before then, their behavior becomes strange, and you find you're fighting more than usual, nothing you do is right within your spouse's eyes...that is the short of it; there's more in the stages as you read.

Do they\can they love you again?

Yes, it can happen, but again, there are NO guarantees of this. While they are in the tunnel their feelings are "buried" for lack of a better word, and they are in some very intense emotional pain.  You'll need to "detach" from their drama, and create some emotional distance or what they do will destroy the love you have for them.  As mentioned, there are six stages of the crisis; the first 3 are the preparatory stages, the last 3 are the finishing stages...they must navigate through the first three, in order to navigate the final 3...in the final three is where the feelings for the LBS return, but they don't all return at once....just as they gradually went in, they will gradually come out, and it takes a LONG time for them to come out.  An average crisis can last from 2 to 7 years to navigate totally through, IF they complete it.

Again, there are NO guarantees in this, and you must work on yourself, as you have a journey to complete where you need to uncover the mirror and do major work on yourself, in that process growing through this crisis; as OP always says, your MLC spouse has given you a gift and it is TIME.

As each person is different, each crisis is different, and the issues each person will face can dictate how long they stay within the tunnel; there may be similarities in each situation, BUT, no situation is EVER the same, nor will it be.....it is tailored to each individual that's going through.

Am I kidding mself or simily clutching at straws?

I do not know, I cannot answer that question for you...that is for you to answer, as you must decide whether you will stand or not.  No one can tell you what will happen in the future; change goes on all the time; and there is a possiblity your MLC spouse might not come out, but that is true of anyone.

I know when I decided to stand, I didn't have a clue what would happen in the beginning; I could only go forward with my feelings; I WANTED my marriage to continue, BUT I still saw the possibility that it might not; regardless, I STILL had to take the journey toward wholeness and healing; this was necessary, and it is necessary for ALL people to take, as none of us are perfect, and we all have our faults and failures to face within ourselves.

My advice would be to go into this with an attitude of learning about yourself, learn all you can about MLC, as knowledge is power.

Your understanding will increase and grow as your mind stays open to the possibilities of what can happen.

For now, your MLC spouse has control of the situation, regardless of anything you might want..sounds disheartening and negative, but nevertheless it is the truth.

Take your journey, you can do nothing for your MLC spouse right now, and time is on your side.

No one can make your decision for you, you must make this on your own.

[SpecialK]

Morning all - it's still morning here.

Thank you for all your help and support, I do feel better about things.  However my mind goes off in different tangets.  A thought has just come into my mind, my ex is still quite affectionate to me (in a non sexual way) - hugs, kisses me, looks and winks at me.  I'm now thinking could it be his way of making things easier for me.  He has always been affection towards me, and one of things he has said to be time after time is that I never cuddle him.  On reflection that's very true.

[Mermaid]

I have spent several chat sessions talking with a former MLC'er on www.midlife.com He is so open about his experience and it truly gives you insight into the mind of MLC.

He is very candid and basically says that nothing really mattered when he was in the worst of it. His MLC lasted 3 years, with the really bad piece being about 18 months.

He is now fully reconnected with his wife and has a wonderful relationship. He says no one could have told him how it would have worked out back then.

[Dontgiveup]

Yes, people do get back together.  As the spouse, or even ex-spouse, you have more "power" than you might think.  Nearly all MLCers get through their journey according to nearly every resource available, including the Conway's resources.  However, not every spouse is emotionally healthy enough to want to get back together.  This is why detaching is SO important.  Detaching will increase both your patience and your forgiveness levels....and you will need both.

[Mermaid]

I have just met a couple of old friends who used to be church pastors. They had lots of stories about MLC, and many of them were success stories, especially if there was understanding and forgiveness on the part of the LBS and communication on both parts.

[Still]

Mermaid,

Those success stories are always good to hear. I think that we are so used to reading the worst of the stories. Probably because we are all  in so much pain when we find these resources/forums etc. and because when a relationship is in reconciliation there is little reason to go back to the forums and open the wounds. I am always so thankful for those who do come back.

[Mermaid]

I PROMISE you, Still, and everyone here on the forum, that if my M makes it through H's MLC, I will come back and tell you my success story.