[1Cor.13]

What a shame that book is out of print! Fortunately still available on amazon (uk), just noticed it's priced at 39p!! I haven't read it all, I remember I found it so moving, I had to take a break! Good to be reminded of it, without a doubt, the best book for me about what male depression. Definitely helped me to forgive H and find compassion for him.

UKS, I totally understand about other people's expectations. I've since learned to accept that some people feel differently from me, but oh well.  If they are friends, they will respect my opinion and agree to disagree.  If they really have an issue with it and can't respect my feelings, then maybe we aren't meant to be friends. Like many here. I've lost a few "friends" through this, but accept they were never really friends if they couldn't allow me to have my own feelings about my own life.

If you've not read "I don't want to talk about it", you're missing out on one of the best MLC books out there.

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Hi all, just a question,

My H was raised by a very depressed and abusive mother and I just wonder if the mlc depression is the same for women? Although women are brought up differently I'm wondering if a history of abandonment and abuse as children also makes them vulnerable..why wouldn't it? With the whole "walk away wife" phenomena and all. Thoughts?

Thanks!
1Cor13

[MyBrainIsBroken]

My wife was definitely depressed last February, March when her affair began. She has continued to show signs of depression since then. She didn't have a history of depression but she does have a history of childhood abuse.

[1Cor.13]

My wife was definitely depressed last February, March when her affair began. She has continued to show signs of depression since then. She didn't have a history of depression but she does have a history of childhood abuse.

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Which can and does lead to MLC and as far as I can read from people here, it looks the same as it does with men. You seem to be doing a bit better? I'm going on 4 years with my mlc'er..he is still in la la land with my D18 and me..even my D has detached now, it was bound to happen sooner or later, he started his affair and left when she was just 14..tough on a young teenaged girl to see her dad go off the deep end. His affair alienator is gone but he is still unremourseful as ever and determined to find a female half his age..So sad really..Blessings to you BisB..

1Cor13

[Seekingpatience]

Have just ordered the book and the CD.what caught my eye was the phrase "escape to grandiosity". FIL is a Baron, really! But a bought title if YKWIM. He had a tough tough childhood and I think passed down some very unhealthy perspectives to his sons.

I want to find out more not only to understand H but also to be able to catch anything early whe it comes to D16.

I had mentioned to the MC/IC that H's A was self-medicating in nature and he looked startled and said " it may very well have been" than was one of the "red flags" that told me to look for another MC/IC. The other one was his comment " your H is rather old for a MLC" ! H was a couple of years  past his 50th!

Ah well, it's a vast uncharted territory MLC.

[patience.of.a.saint]

I've been reading more about depression in general and have been thinking about how far back my guy may have had that going on. He for sure was taught to never cry and to be a man, so he's never really had a chance to express any feelings other than anger after it has built up a while. I think his depression may have gone back further than I ever thought about. Will have to see if I can find that book, as that sounds interesting.

[hawk]

Don't really agree on men only open to a few emotions or whatever it said though. We have em all , well l do and most blokes l know do.
Most are no where near as mushy or interested in too full on emotional day to day crap as women though to is another big thing.

Depression and l believe mlc to though can be as much about your life or your wife for that matter and how it's turned out as anything else to .
And for a married guy that is often how it has to stay to though see , bc there's a family , a wife , so he might not be able to change a damn thing about it that he wants to.
Money , again the family , the wife

[Dji76]

I agree w hawk... The men I know have a full range of emotions. I often didn't share my emotions with my w because she would over react and make the situation worse. She would make it about her then I would need to deal with her emotions AND mine. Eveuntall it just became easier to keep em to myself.

[Venus]

Terence Real book definitely worth a read.  I read it within 6 months of BD, it was an eyeopener.

Love & Light
Venus

[MsT]

I agree w hawk... The men I know have a full range of emotions. I often didn't share my emotions with my w because she would over react and make the situation worse. She would make it about her then I would need to deal with her emotions AND mine. Eveuntall it just became easier to keep em to myself.

This is my mother exactly. Growing up, any emotional display would set of a hysterical display of her feelings and we would just end up sitting there wishing we'd kept it in. And that's how my siblings and I all became super codependent people pleasers, folks.

I've been reading more about depression in general and have been thinking about how far back my guy may have had that going on. He for sure was taught to never cry and to be a man, so he's never really had a chance to express any feelings other than anger after it has built up a while. I think his depression may have gone back further than I ever thought about. Will have to see if I can find that book, as that sounds interesting.

Also relate to this, MrT is an emotional person by nature but was taught to suck it up. I am starting to suspect he had another major depressive episode shortly before we met because of certain behavioral similarities, but not manifesting itself as the sadness and funk like the cartoon people in the AD commercials, nobody really knew what was happening. Maybe even him.

[superdog]

It appears to be mental health awareness week here in the uk and i must admit to being annoyed a few times at what gets talked about.

Its all centred on the sadness the down parts of depression. At no point in all the literature and posting does it mention the anger, the destructive nature of depression or the devastating effects it has in families where depression goes untreated.

It has taken me all my time not to say at least somewhere that there is very much two sides to depression. Clearly the side that is never mentioned, clearly the part that is not acknowledged by society as they want to keep it all about "illness" only.

We have all had ring side seat at the depression show and we all know the part that society wants to hide. I think its really off that it is never spoken about or highlighted. I feel the selfish nature of depression is somewhat encouraged by refusing to acknowledge how cruel and hurtful people with depression get.

I am very sorry if this sound uncompassionate, but thats my point. Does feeling sorry for someone help?  Does excusing horrid behaviour take away personal responsibility, i believe it does.

Just saying, families suffer too.

Sd
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