[Trustandlove]

Hi, xy,

Part of what is happening right now is a form of cycling again; we read something, it resonates on some level, sometimes strongly, sometimes just a little, and that little panic thing starts going again.  The one that says "there is no reason for him to come back; he has everything he needs and if he's ashamed to boot, well, that's just more reason for him to stay away".  We can't let that panic thing take over. 

I know I'm not the best example, but I've thought that as well about my H -- why should he come back?  He has his perfect apartment, all the toys, company when he wants it and knows he can see the kids when he wants.  And the high of his job, and so on.   But what I HAVE seen is that despite all that, he's still cycled, looking for whatever he's looking for, thinking that this external stuff will satisfy it, and STILL finding it unsatisfactory. 

And he's still trying to make reality fit his idea, simply ignoring things that don't fit his equation, such as the effect on the children, and other things. 

I know you don't see that in your H, but that is also in large part because you don't see your H.  So much of this happens below the radar.  Heck, I didn't find out about half of it for years after it had happened and we see him regularly.  Even now, if I didn't know that OW was seriously around, I would wonder, as so much of what we do see could be interpreted as more searching. 

Regarding the leaving for an OW; it doesn't even have to be a physical OW, it could be just the one "in their head".  An OW was the catalyst for my H leaving, but it wasn't really for her, it was for the idea, one he has spent this entire time looking for.  He now claims he's found it, but even now I can see that reality isn't quite as he thought it would be.   

I see the shame thing as well; I think right now because he has based a of his self-esteem on being able to take care of everything financially, and is now finding that difficult, to add to everything else.  I can't do anything about his choosing to ignore it other than to do what I have to do for my kids. 

XY, don't let that panic take over.  Or rather, let it wash through without stopping.  We have to acknowledge each of these things and then let God and the universe do their work. 

You have been constant and consistent, that is what is needed -- that's the lighthouse.  Sometimes I find that it's hard to see that for ourselves; we see it in others, though. 

And we just have no idea of the timeline -- I know I've been told over and over again that it would be so very much longer than I ever imagined, and it's still that way.  I look back now on 2 years ago, when I thought I had "a couple of years left" and I was congratulating myself on not expecting things to turn around soon...  But turns out I still had "expectations" of a timeline, whether I admitted it or not.  Those couple of years have passed, there has been movement that I haven't liked, and it's nowhere near finished.  Those first 2 or 3 years were just the beginning. 

You have done so much; you aren't wallowing.  You are moving forward, taking every step necessary and then some.   And it's all good, great even. 

This part, too, is only one part of the puzzle.  It will all make more sense in the rear-view mirror; I know the desire to know what that will be, but that's not for us to know right now.

Keep on being the lighthouse, xy.  You are a very bright one.

x

[Moving Forward]

Hello,
This is an interesting thread - as part of my healing I receive a daily devotional from Hazelden (they are part of the AA family) and whilst I am not in recovery from an addiction I find their daily e-mails a thought provoking way to start my working day - a lot of what is advocated is good foundations for a great emotionally healthy life.

This morning I received a link to their site which is looking at..... shame. The link below helps explain a bit more and I have found it useful to read.

http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/courage_to_change_may_2012.page#Ask

[kikki]

Thank you for sharing that MF.  I can see that my H suffers from a great deal of shame, which is desperately tries to cover up through being the eveready bunny at work.

[Mitzpah]

Xyzcf,
I miss you.
I have this article printed out and filed, it resonates with me - a lot!
My h. continues to show a lot of shame - he can't even face me.
I wonder what we can do with the knowledge imparted here,  it seems there was nothing we could do...  except what we were 'shocked' into doing, which was giving them space and 'allowing' them to go.
We reassured them of our love, held back from pressuring them...

I guess we just have to let go even more, let go of what we hoped for and place our hope in God, where it should have always been.

Love

xx

[forthetrees]

This was my take and processing on the shame aspect: http://soundcloud.com/greymulder/knife-of-shame/s-eMSA6

[Dontgiveup]

RCR's article on the Shadow.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_shadow.html

[kikki]

FTT - I like it 

[LeaveThePastBehind]

You know, this article was very hard for me to digest, too. If I know anything at all, it's that H chose an Op that's like his Mom - loud, on the heavy side, and just, mom-like - something I never was.


One thing's for certain, I do not have enormous breasts like the Op so, right there, how could he ever go back to a lot less than in that and many other ways?


I don't know.

[Anjae]

Star, they tend to choose the opposite of what we were.

You need to stop beating yourself, physical features do not mean a person as more or less of what truly matter: moral fibre, strong sound values, warmness, love.

[niff naff]

Oh my goodness, this has started the tears in me again, this thread strikes so many deep deep thoughts in me, thoughts that I have had about my man, this shame would always keep him away.  He was always a Mr Fix It, someone everyone looked too, he was sensible, dependable, and a honourable man.  But like many here, now,  he runs very fast, mostly with work, almost being terrified to sit too long in case the shame settles and sticks fast.

My friend XYZ sometimes I feel that you know how I am feeling, our paths our so very similar, our  men seem to be walking the same road, but I know for sure, my man, will never stop with the running.

Hugs to you , I miss you too.