[Buggy31]

The most positive, consisitent behavior of my MLC spouse has been his attendance at therapy.  He does IC with some joint sessions thrown in.  However, I find that therapy is being used to justify his actions and is being twisted to meet his own agenda.  Does this make sense to anyone else?  I think it's good he has a therapist to talk to because he doesn't have a lot of intimate relationships but what is the relationship btw therapy and the crisis? 

[LifeGoesOn]

My H sees a weekly IC. He calls it his "paid friend".  I don't know if she has helped him much beyond that. I don't ask. He has mentioned that he has explored issues with his mom and childhood and some his past R's.

For me, I will not attend with him until i see evidence he has come out of replay and maybe even later, unless it is for a specific issue, (ie negotiating a return home after he dumps OW, or if an issue with the kids comes up we cannot solve alone). 

[Dontgiveup]

From my perspective, I would tend to agree with your impression.  It is my wife, now ex-wife, who is in MLC.  She would see her counselor and be thinking about things, but it was kind of like attending a motivational seminar....the counseling seemed to "wear off" pretty quickly.

I continue to remind myself that MLC is emotional chaos and they change their feelings frequently.  I can remember at least three times in my situation where my wife would literally talk about us being together one day, then the next day talking about how there was no hope for us.

I have read that there are no shortcuts in the MLC process.  My experience showed me that counseling was no exception to that.  The benefit, if any, to my MLC wife was temporary at best.

[HeartsBlessing]

You're probably NOT going to want to hear this, but therapy during MLC does NO good, and each of you have the answers within you on that.

Until the fog is cleared within their heads, and they are READY to work on themselves, no amount of counseling, paid or otherwise is going to work; they are TOO deep within their crisis for the counseling to do any good in getting them to work on themselves.

For some LBS, MC has been a good thing in that the counselor has challenged the MLC'er on what they feel, and this third party CAN bring an area of "truth telling" into the picture, making the MLC'er do some serious thinking, but that works, again, IF the MLC'er is ready to do any thinking about their situation.

Otherwise, they may agree or disagree at one time, and completely forget what they say the next time.

Now, remember, this is my humble opinion on the matter; my husband absolutely REFUSED to go to MC; said he didn't have a problem, and I remember him saying that to me.  His problem was ME, according to him, but then, just because he said it didn't make it the Gospel truth, and somewhere down the line, I learned that much.

[OldPilot]

I agree with HB.

We went to therapy for over 6 months. A big waste of time and money. PHD's in psychology never heard of MLC or menopause. My wife used the sessions to justify divorcing me.
OTOH maybe it was a process that we needed to go through to get to where we are now?

[Rollercoasterider]

maybe [therapy] was a process that we needed to go through to get to where we are now?

Many of the expereinces that seem to backfire are part of our learning processes--part of learning from our mistakes.

I'm with OP and HB; Counseling in MLC does not work. That does not mean I would not make an attempt if an MLCer is willing--often they will quit after a few sessions. As HB said, these may serve to get the MLCer to think and thus they may plant seeds for later processing.

The problem is that MLCers are running from their Shadow and counseling is about facing your Shadow. Counselors will encourage discussion of those things they want to forget--keep suppressed or repressed--and those things to which they are not ready to admit. When an MLCer who is not ready is forced to look in the mirror it does not cause them to acknowledge and accept their Shadow, it causes them to run away with greater determination.

As OP said, not all counselors understand MLC and many do not believe in it. Some may also simply validate poor behaviours and choices. This may especially be true in a session where you are not present to show the other side of the story. Some MLCers compartmentalize well or are convincing and a counselor may not notice the signs--the signs may not be at the surface during sessions.

MLCers want someone to agree with their actions. A counselor has a fine line to walk if they want the MLCer to continue counseling. Do not disagree with a divorce or agree, but discuss feelings and reasons... Ask subtly leading questions so that the MLCer can come up with the answers rather than the counselor giving them their answers and opinions.

In the Bible you can find justification for opposing actions or beliefs. The same is true of counselors--and people in general.

That is why I say that though I feel counseling should be  a reconciliation requirement, an LBS may need to wait on the counseling since MLCers may return prematurely and even those who remain at home often return so broken that they are still not yet ready.

[Voyager]

Hi,
I just wanted to add that my h and i went for counselling straight after BD, in hindsight it was a mistake as it only seemed to make him worse, he didn't want to do it as a couple so he went on his own. i could tell it wasn't helping us but simply validating his anger towards me and he was always angry after each session. I suspect the counsellor just didn't get that this was MLC. I'm not saying counselling is bad period, but I think the timing is critical.

[hopeful59]

I did IC right from the beginning.  H claimed that he went to counselor...don't think so.  I don't know of too many counselors that know a person is suffering from depression and then tell H that the only solution is to get a divorce.  H did finally go to a counselor, the same one I was seeing.  At first I was worried that it would be a huge mistake for H to see the same counselor but, it has actually turned out to be a good thing.  She has heard both sides of the story and is working with both of us know (H's suggestion).  Counselor is focusing on H getting past his anger, me focusing on myself and both of us working on being co-parents.

[OldPilot]

Not to disagree hopeful59 but when I went to counseling, she told W that she was depressed, wife said no she isn't and would not do anything about it. Someone in MLC is not going to listen to anyone. There is nothing we can do to force them to listen, not even a IC or MC.

I am glad your IC is working well for you. That is good.

[Dontgiveup]

Thought I'd share a little more about counseling.  Basically, the counselor recommended a book about strengthening the marriage.

Just a note to counselors out there......MLCers are typically not interested in reading self help books because they are looking to put the blame elsewhere, and they are certainly not interested in reading a book about strengthening a marriage that they currently want to abandon.