[Love being on higher grounds]

UD,

it has been over a year, and I still feel like the walking wounded at times...

I have had good experience in couceling...I took every word that H said, pulled them all apart and separated the true from the false...the possible from the impossible if that makes sense...about me, and ONLY me...

then, I started working on ME!

It was then and only then that I could start believing and accepting what was going on with him...I couldnt fix him then and I still cant now...but boy, did I fix ME...

now, I know for sure, that no matter which way this goes, Ill be ok...and I wont go in those circles at any time in the future.


hope that helps!
hugs,
L

[Purple stain]

Thanks for bringing this up! I went to IC for about 5 weeks. I started going weeks after BD. I had mixed feelings. Sometimes, I'd leave my therapist "on a high", feeling really good and positive and other times, I questioned what she told me to do. I confronted her one time and asked her straight out why she was so negative about my marriage, and I felt like she was trying to make me break up my marriage. She said she just wanted me to be ok, which I told her was my goal. She then tried for my H and I to attend a session together and my gut told me no, after having thought about it. The next day I sent her an email telling her that I would stop therapy, it was too much for me with school, work etc. Too much of a commute. The true reason was that I had to have my H work this out for himself. I actually put that in the email as well. And guess what, the same night my H came to me and gave me an update on his "journey".

My therapist said she wanted me to be ok with the thought that he might decide to leave. It was nice of her but I wasn't ready to hear that yet...These days, I'd rather pray and get acupuncture to balance my ying and yang, mentally and physically.

We are looking for encouragement and it seems that the therapist make it even worse . My mum actually told me that a friend of hers went to to MC with her husband. They wanted to work through their problems but the counselor told them to just get divorced. The couple cried because divorce didn't even cross their minds! Sometimes, therapist do more harm than any good. I've come to the realization that no one can help me. Only I can change how I think and feel. They can suggest something but it's up to me to implement it.

I hope you're feeling better these days. Yes, our entire world gets turned up-side-down without forewarning...

hugs to you!

[mercury]

...significant emotional/psychological shock? Do you feel like the walking wounded?

YES and YES.  I felt like I was standing in a war zone that had just been blasted and I was the target with a direct hit.  At many times I can still see in my mind the destruction, the debris lying around me.  At least now I'm moving forward, slow, picking piece up. 

As for counseling, they are trying to give the best advice they can, but having no understand about MLC or standing they fall so short. As there is no treatment for the MLC there is no treatment for us which I believe is why they don't have an official MLC diagnose.  This website alone, has proven that there are set behaviors that make up the MLC.   I think there are many that experience this crisis, most LBS just get divorced and sadly leaving ones spouse is not a crisis, . not in today's world.   

[Tinca]

Throughout this last 2 years I/we have been through three councillors, together and apart, spending hours divulging those innermost secrets and feelings almost apologetically as a hitherto happily married couple admitting to some sort of failure. I am husband to wife travelling her journey.

Looking back I am pleased that our college health plan covered most of the cost (80%) rather than us, as I now would have regretted spending the thousands of dollars. I was looking for constructive information regarding the sudden and difficult change in my wife, the sort of information that this Spouse web site brims with and  for which I am very grateful.

No therapist would (in a couples session) turn to the MLC'er and tell them straight that at this time they are not to be trusted, that they are not to be believed and that their out of character actions will be damaging and upsetting to those around who love them, possibly ending up destroying a family which up to that point, was a very happy one.

Also they will not  (in my experience) recognise the powerful contributions of fluctuating hormones (especially in women) and other triggers which can exacerbate the situation.

I have sat through hours of counseling, listening to the 'if your wife has these feelings then they must be true' comments,  but knowing in my heart that the sudden conflict, sadness and soul searching (plus the tears, irritation and need to abandon family home)  that she was experiencing was not in character. 

If you have no one to talk to (friends, family) then by all means a neutral professional is useful. Otherwise, follow your heart regarding standing for your spouse then affirm those feelings with the powerful knowledge and experience of this web site.

[JustFine&Dandy]

I have been to four IC sessions and my H has been to two.  I went before knowing anything about MLC, and I just wanted some support and advice on how to handle my situation.

My counselor listened to my story and told me it was MLC and not my fault.  That was a revelation to me, because I had been trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I could fix it.  She assured me that if she could talk to H and get him to see why he was doing this, he would see the damage and probably decide the affair is not the answer.  Her and I both agreed that the affair was not the problem, but it was a symptom of the problem.

The first visit with H, she told him about MLC and managed to gain his trust.  But, something strange happened on his second visit.  He told me he had a "great session" and that she was helping him see things with a different perspective and to work on himself.  I went the next day, and her tone with me totally changed.  She told me she was pro-marriage, BUT where was his commitment?  Who was giving me emotional support? 

I told her that I believed this was MLC, and I wanted to see who he becomes as he works through this.  She said, "Yeah, it's a little of this and a little of that."  What???  She kept going back to me and if I would be okay if he left...

So, I feel a bit disillusioned.  I think she knows about MLC, but must not agree or understand the concept of standing.  It also made me angry that she could listen to H and take everything he says as fact, when he is saying and doing so many things that are out of character. 

[Undaunted]

Interesting responses so far.

I have a suspicion that counselors/therapists can be of some help, whether or not they know about MLC, but that ultimately it is up to our intuition and good sense to keep us sane as LBSs. That is why a forum such as this is so critically important, because it helps us clarify our thoughts and verify our intuition.

[True to myself]

I firmly believe that until you have lived this, you can't possibly fully understand what goes on in MLC or be able to give advice on how to handle it. There need to be some counsellors who have lived through it - maybe we should all retrain??? It would certainly be good if we could help save some marriages when MLC strikes. And it seems to be happening a LOT.

[Patience]

Well, I feel fortunate to be one that is working with a very good therapist.  While he did not call this a MLC, he has on occasion used those words, and others which are synonymous.  The words maybe different, but it all boils down to the same thing.   He let's me pour my heart out.  He has helped me to learn to relieve the anxiety and offers advice similar to what I receive here.  He assists me in seeing things as they are.  It's kind of funny.  Sometimes there will be something I am considering or have thought about.  He some how manages to bring it up without me mentioning it.  He teaches and he listens.   He does not hold back though from giving his opinion on some things.  Sometimes I leave feeling happy and more often feeling reflective.  I don't always agree with his advice, but often it is right on target.  His speciality areas include training in infidelity, marriage counseling, and as a male he also tends to see more male clients.  I'm lucky I guess. 

[Mermaid]

I have been going for therapy for nearly a year; my therapist wants me to be"OK", but has recognised and understood my need to stand. She rightly thinks I should look after myself rather than focus on H and his problems, and is concerned about the effect on my mental health of my prolonged stand, with H neither going completely or coming back. In other words, I should have ways of protecting myself from his madness (boundaries).

As for MLC itself, my therapist and my psychologist friends recognise that there are times in which people undergo cognitive and emotional reorganisation, particularly men of a certain age. However, we all conclude that MLC is not one single thing, with a single cause, progression and conclusion. It's a crisis, certainly, and often midlife, but not always. People don't progress through definite "stages"; psychology shows that in a number of areas. There's a good article on this site about that.

So if people don't recognise MLC, it's not because it exists or not; MLC is not a clinical term, but relates to a group of pathologies with varying symptoms, progressions and outcomes. It is important that the clinician recognises what we want from our clinical relationship, and that we are realistic about what we can expect from our abberant spouse.

[ece711]

One thing about therapist/counselors...  Depending on each and everyone's situation...  If there is a third party involved then no amount of counseling will do any good.  Bear in mind MLCer is already thinking that the third party is their "Soulmate".  They will convince the therapist that the marriage is/was the problem.

If you are to use a therapist/counselors it's best to approach it in a way how to fix yourself rather that asking them to help patch both of you.  Ask yourself what is your intent when going into counseling/therapy.  Remember you can't fix them (MLCers) but you can fix yourself.