[Trustandlove]

I spoke to a counsellor for pretty much 2 years; at first he was an enormous help.  He is very pro-marriage, and also understood about cult-like organisations that got hold of people (at first I thought that that was what was involved....  I really didn't get MLC then). 

He was extremely helpful even strategically in the beginning.   And he was good at dealing with my total and absolute panic for a long, long time.  I was a basket case for 2 years, basically. 

He, too, felt that if he could just talk to H he could convince him that the way he was heading wasn't the right way, that the problem was a lack of communication, and that if we learned that we would see that it could all be worked out. 

H spoke to him, even liked him, but in the end didn't listen.  The C became extremely disillusioned with H; said that he had never met anyone with less empathy, that he had serious character flaws, etc. 

The C began encouraging me to look elsewhere, all sorts of things.  Because of that I seriously considered it. 

It's pretty much what Sharon said, he said that yes, he was pro-marriage, but where was H's commitment?  Where was H's admission that he had done wrong? 

This C was better than most; he often told me that H was doing the best he could in many situations, and he also pointed out repeatedly where I had to change my thinking.  He was right in those situations, mostly.

But we reached the end of the line; he didn't accept MLC, although he did accept the idea of all sorts of crises, he still thinks that H should just come home and stop being silly, but I haven't spoken to him for a year or so, and don't plan to.

I know there are counsellors out there who do get MLC, however it seems to me that they also get tired, that they have their methods and if it doesn't respond to their method they don't necessarily look for another one.  Mine did try lots of things, but still.

Just my experience; I still think IC is a good idea for us in many cases, but it is also important to know when to stop or to find someone else. 

[xyzcf]

First counsellor in Asia I think made the situation worse. I've been seeing a therapist for several months since I returned to the US and she's been pro marriage but also wanted me to work on my own issues. I stopped seeing her because I thought everything was fine..I was going with him to Brazil and we were going to be ok.

She's told me things like we are the most married separated couple that she has ever dealt with and that our marriage in very intact. I actually used her words this time when the second BD came about- saying that he was in a conundrum and did not know what he wanted..he could have left me anytime in the last year..thinking that since he did not, that he did have hope for us..instead that allowed him to face me and say, I don't want to be married to you anymore. OUCH!!!!!

I am seeing my therapist again, sort of to help me to prevent any serious damage to my mental health. I really believed that if she thought our marriage was still intact then it was so. Not her fault, she still tells me our marriage is intact even though we may never live together again ( what is that supposed to mean?) and that she knows that I will always feel married to my H probably forever.

She's a good person really, Christian and we pray together. It's not her fault that my H doesn't want me..several times I warned her NOT to take my hope away from me..that I wasn't going that route so it's more my fault I guess that she supported me.

I find that I am getting stronger and more understanding of what I want by using this site as a method to unload, to question and to reflect- thanks to all of you!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

My IC has been great because we have dealt with my issues. We talk about my w, but we do not talk about ending the marriage. This is my journey and even without the w and her affair, I think counseling has helped me relax at work, deal with my children, and become a better man.

We tried couple's counseling and it lasted one session because my w would not give up OM. Counselor told my w that in couple's counseling, the marriage is the client and that it took both parties committed to the marriage to make it work or it would be a waste of time. Now, this counselor sees my w on an individual basis. It is her hope that after she sees my w for a while, she then can prepare her for couple's counseling down the road.

My IC has decided to move me to once every two weeks then monthly as she feels that I have made significant progress and that I seem to be doing fine. Of course, the more time I spend on this site, the better I feel.

Counseling has worked well for me because I have been honest. As long as there is honesty in the session, the counselor can help. However, the IC does not work for the MLCer if he/she lies to the counselor. God knows what stories the w tells the IC person about me. In the past few months, she has gone from being unhappy the past year, to the past four years, to the entire sixteen years we were married. The number changes from day to day. She picks little details and states this crushed her that day. The stories change and the things that I do crush her as well.

To sum it up, counseling can help the LBS a lot if it is focused on helping the LBS grow as a person, couples counseling is a waste if the OM/OW remains, and IC for the MLCer is dependent upon how truthful the MCler is with the therapist. Of course, my w picks and chooses what she wants to hear from the therapist and that does not help either. ((((Hugs)))

[SpecialK]

Hello

I have been having Counselling since the middle of July, my has\is brilliant.  He has helped me get right back to basics which has made me look at my core beliefs, where they have come from and why they have held me back.  It's been painful at times, but very powerful, en lighting and I know I'm growing, becoming stronger, I feel happy (well most days), and I'm really starting to believe in me.  All these feelings are new to me.

However last night we discussed my ex, I explained that right now I feel really frustrated about the situation, I want to scream, I want to shake him etc.  I am well aware of the part I played in all this and I destroyed the love he felt for me.  I know I'm his client and he only has my best interest at heart, but it's left me with lots of doubts about my situation, ie I am stuck, I am wasting my time, I need to move on - I am in lots of ways.  (As part of my moving on I feel I want to apologise to my ex for my behaviour because I feel really bad about how I treated him).

Today I feel fed-up with all of this

Any thoughts?



SK x 

[True to myself]

SK

First of all, it's so good to hear you say that you believe in yourself and that you feel happy. Don't let that go now by blaming yourself for what you did wrong in your R. We all made mistakes and I am probably guilty of the same as you, but we didn't destroy their love for us ...... this is all about them, not what we did or didn't do.

Your H will see how you have changed and I don't think it will help by apologising to him. It may be seen as pursuing? I may be wrong, but I think that's what others have said before.

Just keep doing what you are doing. I've been through the frustration bit, wanting to scream at them to wake up, but I've gone through that part ..... for now anyway       It doesn't do you any good because they will only wake up when they are ready.

I have felt stuck, too, but now I seem to be moving forward. I don't even know for sure what I want any more, but I feel much more positive in myself. I am sure you are not far from that point. It will come where you just get on with your life for you. I didn't believe it would, but it really does.

You are cycling, like we all do. You are doing great. This will pass.

Take care xxx

[hopingfourbetter]

I have been going to counseling since February off and on maybe 10 visits total. I did not get anything out of it but a place to vent and then wait for two weeks to vent again, they took notes but were not able to help me. This site was a better place me to vent and learn. The best part was the venting and anger went away real fast and the learning was very rapid. There is so much info to pull from I feel that I would be better served getting counseling from the site here as one of the paid members. I am no longer going to counseling. Hfb

[OldPilot]

I am combining this thread with a previous one on the same subject.
Hopefully no on will mind.

[What Next]

I ran straight into counselling after BD.  I was all over the place and my first concern was how to handle myself and the situation for my girls, hence the need to ground myself in therapy.

I didn't go in with any expectations of saving my marriage, I thought my marriage was over (hadn't found this site back then).  I simply wanted to learn how to cope.

My counsellor is good, for now.  I recognise I may outgrow or no longer require a therapist.  I am working on me.  She is a little sceptical about MLC and Standing but is open to what I tell her and has indicated she will research.

Really I am in counselling because amidst the spewing I saw some home truths in what H had to say.  I didn't like it nor did I like who I had become.  A hardnosed and controlling person in my personal and work life.  That's not who I was and I wanted to find ME again. 

I also wanted to be a good example to my girls, not just as a woman but as a human being.  Show them how we should interact with everyone around us.  I had become a bit of a social hermit.  I am slowing breaking down the wall

Counselling works for me on two fronts, I can vent about H and in doing so we explore possible reasons for his fall to MLC (as said before for some it's a transition not a crisis - I appreciate there are things in H's history that forced him into crisis - helps with the forgiveness and acceptance) and I get to actively focus on ME and my journey.

[SpecialK]

Thank you for your comments.

As I've said before, my Councellor has been fantastic in helping me grow, I've revisted lots of my own issues and finally put them to bed.   I wished I'd done this years ago, but maybe
I wasn't really ready to face up to a lot of stuff.  Now I am.  He doesn't however understand MLC.  So I will continue on my path, as it's often been said here we also need to face up to our
own issues in order to grow.  But most importantly do it for ourselves, no-one else.

The frustrated feeling it not so strong, but I want to pack my bags and run, but I don't have the money to do so right now.  I am happy, and most of the time I'm positive especially when
he's not in my thoughts.  No I won't send him an email to apologise, I have put it together, but I won't send it.

I'm going back to NC contact now, it will help to me to grow and move on.

Thanks ever so everyone.


SKx

[NinjaGirl]

As part of my moving on I feel I want to apologise to my ex for my behaviour because I feel really bad about how I treated him

SK.

I know some will say it's pursuing, but I went ahead and did it.  For me, it was important enough to have my H come over and talk face to face.  I didn't grovel or focus on my negative actions.  I told him that I needed to thank him for his support over the years and helping me to become the strong and proud woman that I am.  That even in this turmoil, he has taught me even more about myself.  I was sorry for some of my actions, but that I am now learning more about me then I ever have, and because of him I will grow to become even stronger and better.  I needed him to know that whether we stay together or go our separate ways I'm a better person because of him, so I needed to say Thank You.

He didn't come running back.  But, maybe I planted a seed in his mind... something he can mull on in his own time.  Since then, I've felt closure that I've done all I could do, and I have ceased all contact since then.