[Foxberry]

Dear Moving,

I found great inspiration in your post...I feel this is the road I will have to pursue also to protect myself financially as my H is deep in MLC and dropping every link with his past life as the months go on...

Thank you for making me feel a little better about the D procedure, it is a path I never dreamt I would find myself on and a road I do not wish to take...

Love and hugs
Fox xxx

[TrustingMyHP]

Thanks to each of you for your thoughtful and helpful replies.  Everyone's perspective gives me info and good things to ponder.  What a gift this forum has been to me!

I'm in the thankful position of not having to file to protect myself financially.  H and I signed a settlement agreement 3 months after BD (which my attorney drafted, H refused to get an attorney for himself) which basically gave me the lion's share of our assets. 

At that time we took his name off all the accounts, separated the car titles and such, and did most of the financial and legal things necessary.  We're still having to do legal stuff associated with the ownership of H's start-up business but that's slowly getting done.   

My H has been extremely generous and fair with me and I know I am very fortunate on that score.  Of course, he feels tremendous guilt.  That accounts, I'm sure, for much of the generosity.  But it's also true my H is a decent man--doing a bad thing--but at his core a good person.

Since BD (when I learned of his then 24-month A) he's only brought up the D word once, four months ago.   

(H doesn't realize that in the settlement agreement my attorney worded it in such a way that I don't have to agree to the divorce but can contest it without having to go court next year.  In effect, I can delay the divorce for another 12 to 18 months after this coming Jan.)

I was very fortunate to have found this site not too long after BD.  It's made a huge impact on my understanding about what was going on and how I needed to proceed. 

H & my relationship has been, and continues to be, very cordial, almost warm.  We communicate/see each other about every 2 - 4 weeks through emails, texts, not many phone convos, but he does visit me and D22 (who's recently moved back home with me while she goes to grad school) here at our home.  We have pleasant convos (no R talk, or questions on my part, or any mention of OW by either of us.) 

The bad stuff though, is disturbing.  He's been living with OW for 7 months now, in a town 90 miles from our home.  She moved 300 miles from another state to live with H right after BD.  Left her apartment, moved all of her stuff to our state. She's divorced her H of 15 years (it was final earlier this year) and, most devastating, she's bought, with her money, an extremely expensive (6 figures!) 54' boat for her and H to live on. 

Their financial and emotional emeshment is deep and appears to be getting deeper.  That's why I'm bracing for the D filing in Jan.  Can't imagine she's not putting extreme pressure on my H to do so. 

She's put all of her eggs in one basket and must be nervous.  And H must feel very beholden to her since she divorced her H for him and now has invested a massive amount of her $ into their "home." 

Oh, and did I mention that my H, who's a software entrepreneur, currently has no income (I got it all in the settlement, including his military pension) and he and OW are living off of her alimony?  (She's disabled and can't work.)

To sum up, she's supporting him(!)  I don't see how my H can escape filing as soon as it's possible.   I fear, because he's so invested in being a "good guy," he'll want to do what he thinks is the "right thing" by her. 

He was able, in part I think, to leave me because he knew he was leaving me comfortably settled financially.  He has nothing to give her and, in fact, has taken from her, since they've been together.  A bit different sitch from the norm.

So. . .for all these reasons I'm pessimistic.  I fear H will file as soon as he can, 5 months from now. 

I tell myself a lot can happen in 5 months.  I think the holiday season is going to be a big challenge for H emotionally.  Like everyone else here, I wish I had a crystal ball!  It will be interesting to see what happens, that's for sure.

TMHP

M  58
H  60
D  22
M  38 yrs.
BD  Jan. '11
H living with OW

[Tsunami]

I have to throw this in for MLC humor......

While in mediation, I told the mediator I did not want a divorce, when he came back in the room after telling H what I'd said, he told me H said he wanted a divorce because I wrote him mean emails.

[Voyager]

Hi Trusting

This is a really good subject and one close to my heart right now as the D process has finally caught up with me. I am one of the LBS who filed back in January where in my sitch the world looked a potentially very bleak place.
So in order to protect myself and my future i took what i can only describe as an agonising decision. I decided though to try to drag it out as long as possible.
But these things do catch up with you and looking back now i begin to wonder why i dragged it out. I think i hoped that if i waited as long as i could MLC events would perhaps catch up with my h and things would get to a point where i would be able to quietly drop the D.

I did not want to D and my heart wasn't in it, still isn't. But in reality nothing changed and of course it wasn't going to, my h is nowhere near out of the deepest part of the tunnel, but like all of us i had hope and yep those dreaded expectations were lurking around, even though i told myself i didn't have any.

Moving Forward puts how i now feel so well

I chose to stand and not fight a divorce if he initited proceedings against me. I had to marry this with my vision of my life in the future of living a very happy, fulfilled life without regrets or shame or guilt for how I behaved towards my husband during his MLC. I took a very simple approach of seeing the divorce as puttingsome clear bluewater between me and my H - of my not having to keep him in my life - of cutting him free and leaving me to move my life forward to a fabulous future with my two children.

In the end, D or not, initiated by the LBS or not, what we have to do remains the same. To be able to let go of the marriage, behave with grace and dignity and use the lessons we learn through this to power our futures.
There are no guarantees here, Divorced people can reconcile, non divorced people may never reconcile, or vice versa. Its the heart and mind that matters of the MLCer and the LBS.

This from Moving Forward

on the weekend he married his OW (an ex from 27 years ago) I was shown just how far I'd come from that emotionally broken woman he'd left in October 2009 and that I wa ssurrounded by love and friednship - Voyager, Just Asking and Bewildered plus a whole host of RL friends kept me busy from the Thursday until the Monday and showed me how much I was loved for me and not for my exH being in my life. i didn't cry once about him but I cried because I was humbled by everyone who supported me through.

We walked in the Yorkshire countryside, drank tea and ate gorgeous cake and in the evening sang into wooden spoons, dancing around my kitchen to 1980's hit, eating Mexican food and having a laugh - two worlds colliding for me (my RL friends meeting my Forum friends) and the mix was electric! I got to bed very drunk at 2.30am!!

It was a privelige and an honour to be part of something very special. Watching MF dancing surrounded by those who love her, was a life affirming moment. Not our spouses life, but our lives. That potential for spontaneous joy is there for all of us. It helped me to see that happen. Made me see what a future can look like for myself, shaped by me, regardless of what happens to my marriage.

Much love. xxxxx

[Thundarr]

Mean emails are certainly reasons for divorcing.  Along with liking professional wrestling, playing video games and not aging well.  These last 3 I got courtesy of my W.

[Tsunami]

NASCAR too?  It is a southern thang you know?

[StandandDeliver]

Mean emails and liking wrestling? I wash dishes the wrong way. In the sink, when we have a dishwasher. Gasp.

[Moving Forward]

This is so weird and I am not 100% certain where i should post this but I think here is as good a placeas any. I am not an addict but part of this journey for me has seen meepxlore recovery in all of it's forms. I receive the daily devotional from Hazelden and this was from yesterdat which i'v just picked up, by the way it isn't addresssed to me under my Forum name this is exactly as it was rceived in my Inbox:-

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Moving Forward

Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.

Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.

So I thought I'd share it with everyone - exactly the words of wisdom discussed on the board

((hugs)) everyone this weekend,

P
xx

[Bewildered]

MF

Love this post about detaching and being responsible for ourselves .... concentrating on ourselves and leaving others to work on their issues - work it out themselves
if only a MLCer could work a  Little faster hey??

Love B xx

[Bewildered]

Found this and thought how a reaction to decide to divorce maybe the wrong action?

Heartbroken wife of Celtic coach Alan Thompson blows whistle on split and blames his midlife crisis

May 29 2011 Exclusive by Lauren Crooks, Sunday Mail
alan thompson celtic Image 1

alan thompson celtic Image 1

THE wife of Celtic coach Alan Thompson yesterday claimed the couple's 15-year marriage has collapsed because he is having a mid-life crisis.

Joanne, 41, revealed their "idyllic" partnership came crashing down six months ago when Parkhead manager Neil Lennon's right-hand man told her he had met someone else.

The mum-of-three said she had no choice but to split from him after the bombshell - because she could never be the type of WAG who stands by their husband, such as England skipper John Terry's wife Toni.

And she hit out at her ex, who has been seen enjoying nights out recently with a 34-year-old former model and one-time Britney Spears lookalike.

Thompson, 37, insisted the break-up was "amicable" whe he confirmed the couple were divorcing last month.

But Joanne, who lives in the couple's mansion in Morpeth, Northumberland, with their three young kids, said: "It's over because I knew he had met someone else.

"I haven't a clue how long they have known each other but he told me in December.

"I don't know and don't care how long it has been but he can do it in his own time now.

"I'm not going to be a Toni Terry because there's more to life than money and fame. It's about self-respect and dignity. If I can walk away with that then I will be happy.

"I'm going to write a book about this and I want every single other footballer's wife in the world that's had it done to them to stand up and applaud me."

Former ballet dancer Joanne has not spoken to Thompson since serving him with divorce papers in the middle of last month.

He moved into a bachelor pad in Glasgow's west end, while Joanne stayed in the family home with their children, aged 13, 12 and eight.

Joanne, who has been married to Thompson for nearly 15 years, says he is having a midlife crisis.

She added: "I will never understand it, I will never, ever get my head round what he has done to me.

"We were idyllically married. I will never discredit my marriage. He is having a midlife crisis so he can get on with it.

"He had absolutely everything in the palm of his hand - a loyal, faithful wife and three beautiful children.

"I never looked at another man, he never looked at another woman. I'm not making excuses for him but all the fame and ego has gone to his head."

Despite her heartbreak, Joanne, who still drives her husband's white Range Rover with his personalised registration, has ruled out a reunion and says he is no longer the man she married.

She said: "There's absolutely no way on God's earth I'd take him back right now. I'm divorcing him but I'm not divorcing 'my Alan'. He was a lovely, good, sound man. I'm divorcing another man altogether."

The Hoops coach issued a press statement in April confirming that he was splitting from his wife: "Amicable divorce proceedings are going ahead. I want to get on with my own life with dignity and privacy."

He has recently been spotted out on in trendy bars and restaurants in Glasgow with his new companion.

After entering a competition for a modelling contract 12 years ago, the former model told a paper: "My secret to looking good is smiling and living life to the full. Life's too short to worry. You've got to enjoy yourself."

Thompson signed for Celtic in 2000 for £2.75million, after stints at English club. He left in 2007 for Leeds United but returned to Glasgow last June.

The Celtic coach, who has been seen as a loyal and trusted lieutenant to boss Neil Lennon during the club's stormy season, declined to comment yesterday.