[StandandDeliver]

Synicca

I have a close friend who divorced her husband many years ago (10 or 15).  She had absolutely nothing to do with him for a year afterwards.......wouldn't even talk to him.  Now, they are platonic companions.  They do all family things together: dinners, holidays, vacations, etc. 

I do not know your friend, so cannot possibly comment on their particular situation, but I can imagine situations where after betrayal and everything else, an LBS decides they don't actually WANT reconciliation, but do not mind having friendship. I would not make the assumption because of a situation that you know about that all LBS's continue to want a marriage relationship with the WS. Part of this process should include detachment which enables us to question our own needs in any future relationship. The type of friendship that many of us would have as a "friendship" with our MLCer during crisis would inevitably be very one-sided. Maybe, then, it is better to back away. Afterall if one was best friends with the MLCer BEFORE and the MLCer makes the journey, one day they will remember that you were that person for them for a long time. I personally don't feel the need to "prove" I was his friend to H. I know that I was. He is the one that has forgotten and now, in MLC, if I were to be his friend, he would use me and he would NOT truly appreciate it, he may even feel disdain towards me for being a pushover. Cos that is how he thinks right now.

[Dontgiveup]

Mama Bear

One of RCR's articles addresses the friendship question as a stand alone subject.  Here is a piece from the article that sums it up well and is why there can be debate on this topic.

"though your love has no conditions, your active friendship is conditional."

Here is the link to the article itself

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_cake-eating_friendship-balance.html

[Standing in Patience]

My mlcer contends that he wants to be "friendly" to each other because of the children. He hasn't used the word friend. I think in his mind that the two words have entirely two different meanings. Friendly sounds considerably more detached.

He also says that he is not interested in reconciling. Perhaps the damage to him, to me and our marriage is too much and h thinks living with OW is a better option. Then again it's been 13 months since BD. That could be "only" 13 months or OMG, "13 months since this nightmare started.

I have been thinking about the word "respect" and "respectful" of late. I wondered if h knows that the children might want him to be happy but have lost some measure of respect for him. They can be respectful to him over the phone but deep down is there true respect for his actions? It's so sad.

[Synicca]

Actually S&D

I didnt make that comment stated in your last post..That was LoveMyMan

but, as far as " Stopping" this process. I have no control over that. As for Letting Go and letting God.

That is axactly as I put it. I do  not pursue my H, I do not start convos...as a friend if he needed/needs
to talk, I am there. to listen. and if asked for advice from HIM. I will give my  best.

This isnt about pursuing, or stopping the MLC process. It IS about being the light. The one that stands
against ALL evil.

I'm sorry, if some of you think, I have walked a very tight rope with my H. It is in fact. Allowed us
to find peace within our R. It has given us BOTH the chance to sit and talk about our Marriage.
Things that we havent discussed EVER.

so in hindsight...I have paved the way for a much better M with him IF he decides to return.

It is about unconditional love....no matter what my H does...outside of "disrespect" I will stand and help
IF needed. ( and I will choose, what I consider Disrespect) As for all of us, no one knows what each of us
can handle...someone may not beable to emotionally handle a convo about OW/OM. But I can.

some may think it is wrong. But that is only wrong for you. I do not judge, nor wish to push anything on
anyone here. It is what YOU are comfortable with. nothing more, nothing less.


Thats just my 02.

[Mamma Bear]

 Synnica,  I think we think alike on this topic. I figure my Wooby Snookems Sabotage Sam needs a place to vent or a shoulder to cry on I'm there. But better be quick bc I'm moving forward. I really help him feel loved from a distance. Like it says about a hurt animal trying to lick its wounds. Stay  back!  Don't crowd! Pray...You don't want to get scratched or bitten.

[whatever]

Nope nope nope...not being his friend right now.  Can't ...and besides I am not "friends" with people
with such low moral standards and characterthat they cheat on their spouses and lie and are so incredibly selfish
that they do not consider the impact their actions have on others close to them.  And honestly, we don't
want to really mirror their actions do we?  If we "mirrored" their actions we would have another partner
and be irresponsible too right? 

I don't believe that my "h" deserves to have my friendship right now. 
There HAS TO BE some consequences for their actions...boundaries if you will.
I view being friends with your MLC as "cake-eating" .  My h can have all of me as his wife or he can
have none of me. 

I agree that maybe this attitude will change in the future when I have a new partner, but for right now
I cannot and will not be his friend.  I will be respectful and kind, the way I would treat anyone.

[truth_seeker]

 Synnica,  I think we think alike on this topic. I figure my Wooby Snookems Sabotage Sam needs a place to vent or a shoulder to cry on I'm there. But better be quick bc I'm moving forward. I really help him feel loved from a distance. Like it says about a hurt animal trying to lick its wounds. Stay  back!  Don't crowd! Pray...You don't want to get scratched or bitten.

MB,
I get what you're saying but it also seems like you're doing all the heavy lifting while the MLCer OW/OM gets to play with the MLCer without any of the responsibility.  Let the MLCer go to the OW/OM for them to deal with all the issues.  You know you're the better option.  No judgements here, just an observation made with love. 

Drop the rope.  Let them feel the reality they created for themselves.  Let the OW/OM put the pressure and wrap the noose around their own necks.  If you're there to always help them lick their wounds you're in essence being their "mother" while the OW/OM doesn't have to do a thing but play their part. Fantasy and all. Believe me I get it!  I love your name because I too am very much a momma bear but only with my kids and no longer with my H. 

[Dontgiveup]

Here is a piece of advice I got from a guy who went through MLC

"If friendship is all she can handle at this point, use it.  It keeps you in her life while all these other changes are happening and when the time comes, she will realize that you have stood by her through all of this"

I think it matches up with this piece from RCR's article.
"But if you are to Pave the Way, you need to show agapé and that includes being a true friend in need. When the opportunity for beneficial friendship arises, take advantage of it."

This is from the article also.  I think this is good insight on when to think about backing off, which No Contact would accomplish.

"Let your MLCer know that you will resume No Contact if your MLCer returns to Monster, the alienator or cake-eats to avoid helping himself."

[truth_seeker]

And honestly, we don't want to really mirror their actions do we?  If we "mirrored" their actions we would have another partner and be irresponsible too right? 

Mirroring work is for you to also look at the mirror at yourself, in doing so you will see for yourself completely as well as your R.  What you can or cannot tolerate is for YOU to determine for yourself.  Make sense?

As for mirroring your MLCer's actions, I'm sure DGU can find the article to reference for you as it not to behave as they have behaved. 

[StandandDeliver]

Sorry Synicca, I misread the post about the friend. In any case, I do not personally think you are doing anything "wrong" or that noone should be "friends" with their MLCer if that is a helpful place to be for the LBS. That was sort of my point when I said that I felt we all need to respond to the individual nature of our situations. In my situation being a friend would never work, which is not to say that I am unkind or rude or dismissive either. I just do not seek him out and when he tries to engage on certain topics (usually with a "pity me, my life is so bad" angle) I just listen, validate briefly (sorry to hear that, sorry you feel that way) and then change the subject. My thinking is that he can remember that I DID spend years sorting out his life with him. If OW isn't doing it for him, then I am not going to step in and rescue him so that he can have his cake (have his bizarre sex R with OW) and eat it too (have me being the "mummy"/"helper" for his emotional problems). He needs to realise that OW is not meeting his needs and that could get blurred if I step in and fulfill that part of a R for him. But that is MY R. I am sure that everything about it, other than elements of the MLC script are profoundly different than yours - of course they are! I can see that you are being a beacon in your sitch, in my own way I think that I am doing the same because H needs to learn where there are holes in his new R and if I patch those holes for him it may take longer. I was not intending to criticise anyone, just giving my perspective on this topic.