[Dontgiveup]

I should preface this by saying that (so far) I have not really been subjected to OM.  By that I mean my MLCer told me about a year ago that there was someone else, but she has never brought one in my presence, nor has she talked on the phone to one in my presence.  That doesn't mean he is not still somewhere in the picture, or perhaps someone else is.....or 3 someone elses....who knows?

By the time she told me, I had already read enough on this site and of Jim Conway's materials to ignore it when I found out.  I recognize it as a symptom of her MLC, and we do not live together and only see each other briefly once in a while.....so again, it has never been in my face, which I am thankful for.

There are several things the MLCer will regret.  OM/OW is one of those things.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_understanding-infidelity_in-fatuation-versus-love.html

[LettingGo]

I never got over OW.... only recently when my husband turned his attention to me and I felt more confident... but OW has infected our lives at his invitation. She has sat in my husband's car and now new truck... she has touched him everywhere...called and sexted him a million times... whined to him to keep him from his kids and he allowed it... she is guilty cuz she participated in the MOST selfish type of behavior. He is also guilty... but she is a WOMAN and one would think she wouldn't want anyone to do this to her.... she will get her due. I hope she is miserable and crying for at least the equivalent of the misery I felt. And in the end, she still won't have my husband... she'll be alone or in another dysfunctional relationship.

Once I (recently) realized that my husband was working out some "Mommy" issues with OW, I was able to embrace the process, but only because I KNOW he doesn't love her... he just feels sorry for her... that she is looking really bad in his eyes and that he will soon feel like a fool.... earlier on it was harder. BUT, the fact that she is only 29 and I am 51 is difficult for me... it just is.

In my opinion, OW has perpertrated a HUGE betrayal on me, a stranger... but a "sister".... a woman with children.... how dare she stoop so low. She is nothing but a hollow empty shell of a human being... one that doesn't deserve ANYTHING from me, but who I will find a way to forgive. She is too stupid to give credence to, BUT, it saddens me that my husband had feelings for this piece of crap, and that is all she is. Sometime in the future she may turn her life around and be a better human being, but she will never be more in my eyes than what she has shown me to be.... no better than a piece of dog sh* on the bottom of my shoe and I do NOT wish her the best. Hope she does better in the future, for her daughters sake and so that no one else will suffer because of her willingness to participate in the breakup of a family..

My husband will suffer his own consequences. It's as it should be... to have to face yourself.

[TrustingMyHP]

In the first months post BD I was furious with the OW.  Felt intense anger, rage, shock that one woman could do this to another, demonized her, hated her, the usual reactions.  H has been living with her for 5 months, now.  I've never met her.  (Fortunately, they're living 90 miles from where I live so I don't have to worry about running into her!)  As time has gone on, however, I've come to have somewhat more moderate feelings about her.  (I stress the "somewhat"!) 

What's helped me the most to cope are the following:

I frequently remind myself that mentally healthy, spiritually fit people don't have affairs with married people.  Therefore OW is mentally ill/unstable and, like my H, is going through an emotional breakdown/crisis/transformation.  (H is 60, OW is 52.)  This thought helps because when H first admitted the PA to me at BD (5 months ago) he spoke of OW as though she was some kind of saint.  I swear, the tone that would come into his voice when he talked to me about her was something I'd never heard in his voice before!  Saints don't have affairs with married people.  And did I mention that she was also married when the A began two years ago?  (She's now divorced.)

What's also helped is something my D21 said to me early after BD and has repeated several times since.  "If it wasn't her it would have been someone else.  She just happened to be in the "right" place at the "right" time."  This is something I've read here, too.  The OW is a woman who is willing and available.  That's one of her main attractions to the MLCer.  It could have been anyone.  I think RCR writes about this in one of her articles.

My H's OW has issues.  Lots of issues.  Serious health problems.  Two ex H's.  Not able to work due to illness. Has moved from her home state and city 300 miles away to a tiny backwater town to live with H on his boat(!), leaving her grown children, her friends, her family and her whole life behind.  What 52 year old woman does that?  An unstable one who's desperate, that's who.  Thinking about how unstable she is helps me cope.  H is going to wake up to that one day.

Finally, it's helped me a lot to pray for the OW.  I found a prayer in the book When He Leaves that I try to say everyday.  I've been doing it for about three months and it's helped.  It just gives me a calmness and peace, if only for a few minutes.  I also say the same prayer for H.  I don't always believe it but it makes sense to me that "forgiveness is our ticket out of here,"  out of the pain.  Or at least one of the tickets.

Great topic!

TMHP

M  58
H  60
D  21
M  37 yrs.
BD Jan 11
H currently living with OW with whom he's been
having 2 year PA

[StandandDeliver]

OW/OM. I remember after BD asking H to tell me OW's flaws. He couldn't name one. Not one. I said to him at that point, well this isn't love then, it is infatuation. You can't love someone till you know their flaws and you still love them anyway.

OW/OM have a very dysfunctional R with the MLCer from the start. Think about it. They start a relationship built on lies and secrecy, they use manipulation ("I don't want to sleep with you while you are still married" type things - trying to express how "moral" they really are, whilst simultaneously asking the MLCer to leave their spouse and engaging in the thing they say they are against ANYWAY!).

They validate everything that the MLCer says in the beginning, while you are slowly being demonised and your suspicious behaviour (because of the infidelity and the MLCers distinctly odd behaviour) means that you argue at more at home, justifying in the MLCer screwed up mind the infidelity.


Then, when the MLCer leaves to live with the OP there is an initial high caused by getting what they want and hormonal energy (although my H told me his new living situation was "hard work" only 3 weeks after moving in with her - though they are still together 7 months later).

Sooner or later the controlling behaviour begins. Because they know that one or both of them has already proven themselves untrustworthy in a relationship. At first this level of control may seem enticing - they see it as validation of love. But true love is based on trust, so controlling behaviours (such as stopping someone from contacting their children!) is not love. It is in fact "anti-love".

The OP is a symptom of the MLC illness, which is why the MLCer stays addicted to it however awful or manipulative the OP's behaviour may be. And it is why in some cases there are mulitple OPs  - because when the first one breaks down, they still need that addictive high to continue avoiding their depression and themselves)

[Faith2011]

I know it is classic MLC but it's still upsetting. My H has been communicating online with these women. He's on a free dating web site and I found emails back and forth between him and these women. What's even more upsetting is that when he spent a few nights at a hotel when we were arguing one night, he came back with the phone number of the front desk employee. Come to fond out, he has added her to his Facebook friends list. She is 19, has been arrested, and she is dating someone else. Here he is- a 38 year old man. I tell myself this had nothing to do with me and not to let it bother me. But how can it not? 11 years of loving him unconditionally and this is what I get??I tell myself it is part of the crisis but do they ever wake up and stop this nonsense?

[StandandDeliver]

Oh and I have to say I have not "gotten over" the betrayal, but I just never acknowledge OW's existance anymore, I don't discuss her at home with the children, I never talk about her with H and even though she comes with him to exchange the kids, I blank her - I have never spoken to her - not even to be rude.

[Chrysalis]

When my ex-partner came back to me briefly for a week, he told me that his relationship with OW had been an infatuation.  He said she had had a hard childhood (feckless mother, drunken father) and spent most of her time moaning about all the slights she had experienced through the years at other people's hands.  (Funny, my ex had a tendency to be very preoccupied at slights he felt he had received from others too!).  At that point he just couldn't see why he had been with her.  A week later he was gone and two weeks later he was stating that they thought as one on everything, were together permanently this time and were going to get married.  No normal people could have such a quick change round as that!

It does hurt a lot thinking of them together looking at houses etc but I know that it is all a fantasy.  I just hope he doesn't bankrupt himself before he realises that - but sadly that's up to him.

[Buggy31]

Because I had read the articles on this site
Because OW was the POLAR opposite of me and anything my  H was attracted to in the past
Because she was a clear affair down
Because he shared some of her behaviors with me
I was able to see that there was blackmail from day one
She was a woman that needed to be saved
She paid him ALOT of attention

So I understood the dynamics early on and didn't get wrapped up in her
I only knew that H was very sick and this was where my energy and concern went

The OM/OW is nothing...believe me
don't spend time imagining bliss between them
It is not so...I can tell you that for sure
It is an emotional high like a druggie shooting up ...MY H EVEN TOLD ME THIS
This is NOT love...it is a FEELING
The opposite side of what they feel is love is hate.  It is not a R

Now this doesn't mean we all need to vent every once in awhile or that I observe the Relationship in order to understand what I can expect at certain time. 
They are a symptom and when they are gone a whole new mountain lies ahead of the MLCer

[rememberer]

 I too, was very jealous etc. when I first heard of OW. Now I think she is pathetic and actually feel sorry for her. She is damaged goods.

Her husband left her for a much younger woman and I believe she is hurting a lot from that, trying to build up her own self-esteem and worth, but she too, is spinning in the wind. It is not real, it's all phony manuipulation and ego building.

She is constantly drunk, and can't hold her licquor. She flirts with any and every man, including all my H's friends and all my kid's boyfriends. She sits on mens laps, pinches them, and calls them sickening names like:darling, sweetie etc. etc.

Our friends do not like her. She does not talk or relate to the women in any fashion-just flirts with the men. The wives don't like her, and the h's think she is trash. Every time she leaves the room they joke about her and laugh behind her back. She is an embarressment to my H, but he doesn't see it(I don't think) but eventually I believe he will. My kids are also embaressed about her. She has told my kids " that all men cheat, so they had better get used to it now."

She is pushy and manipulative, pouts like a baby when she doesn't get her way. I hear that H and her fight a lot. H and I rarely fought, and he hates fighting, so we'll see how long that lasts.

To me, she is nothing. She's false, manipulative, immature, histrionic, and acting very irresponsibly. She does not feel like competition at his point in time. I actually find myself, glad that he has chosen her for now, because I know she is not competition. I beleive this relationship will fail  in time,  and is false, so why worry about it.

This relationship really points out how badly my H must be feeling, how very low his self-esteem must be, and how much he is troubled and hurting inside. I think the same for her. Perhaps they will find solace in each others arms, but I don't anything more. I actually feel sorry for the both of them. Glad I'm not there. My family provided a good foundation, healthy self-esteem and a groundedness for me that lives inside myself always and that has seen me through many crisises in life, including this big one. It is the greatest gift you can give your children, and I feel sorry that he didn't get that from his family.

I'm almost 1 yr. post- BD and feel that I've dealt with the hardest part of all this already. I'm on  my feet, feeling strong, independent, calm, and happy most of the time. Their relationship hardly  affects me now. I just have compassion and hope that one day they will get to the place where I am, already-at peace with myself.

[Foxberry]

My H's OW is manipulative, clever & good at getting what she wants. I've never heard a more dramatic story than hers!!! Ran away from her family as they tried to arrange a marriage for her! Family cut her off; had 2 children by 1st husband who cheated on her ( clearly she thought that was ok so did it to me); divorced him. Married a man who apparently abused her; had ovarian cancer; the list goes on!! Who knows what's true & what's not; but he fell for her story completely & the pull is very strong, even when he came back to me she was still controlling his feelings, I didn't stand a chance :-(.  She offers him a total escape from his old life & he can pretend to be whomever he likes both with her & her friends who he now calls his. I'm lying on my bed reading the forum as it's weekend again & I feel very alone, wondering what they're doing. No doubt shopping for clothes for the 'family holiday' OW is paying for in 2 weeks time. Breaks my heart to think of him belonging to another woman & her teenage kids when I have been rejected along with his own son. H will certainly feel it next weekend when it's Father's Day & he gets nothing from his own Son. But I'm sure she will do something to make him forget WHY be isn't getting a card!!!!! Because he has deserted his REAL family for these pretenders. I do hate her, yes! As I feel if she hDnt been so willing to take my H back after he'd finished with her, been with me for 2 weeks & then decided I wasn't worth the effort!!! If he'd not had her as an option, he wd have had no where else to run... maybe he wd have stayed & tried to work things out - or am I just kidding myself. OW has helped my H run away & reinvent himself & being needy herself they are 2 cheating, desperate people. I just feel she'll never let go :-(((.

Love & hugs
Fox. Xxxx