[Sideways]

I think I got it...I picked Boomerang. Thanks Sideways

[OldPilot]

Just read this on the DB board and did not realize that Sally Conway described different types of MLC'ers

There are three types of mlcers:
1.  Drop-in.  This is the mlcer that continues to come to the home, most likely on a daily basis or every couple of days.  They have dinner, sit around w/the children and just visit like old times.

2.  Droplet.  This is the mlcer who comes to home or visits w/you periodically.  They may come by every couple of weeks or months.  They don't make a habit of being at your residence all of the time like drop-in does.

3.  Dropout.  This is the mlcer who walks out the door and you never hear from him or see him again for a very, very long time.  No contact at all.  They ride off into the sunset never to be seen or heard from again by you or family.

The three descrptions were best described by Sally Conway in her book that she wrote many years ago.  The descrptions helped me determine which one my h was.  For a while, he was the droplet and then evolved into the dropout. 

 

Is this the basis of RCR's contact types?

[Rollercoasterider]

Yup!
I actually posted the excerpt from Sally several times at DB. I split her Dropin into Boomerang and Clinging Boomerang.

[JAG]

How sad....my H is a dropler and he has two little kids ...

[Trustandlove]

I thought there was a bit on this thread about how MLCers can hover near the border of two kinds of contact, or rather how the Boomerang can hover on either the border of being a Clinger, or much closer to the off-and-on.  I've seen that; in the first years mine hovered on the Clinging border, still considering us his family, wanting to be with us at Christmas, etc., he then moved to the other end of the Boomerang spectrum (what led me to first of all think that he was overall an off-and-on). 
He seems to have settled at that end, at least in his attitude, although he physically comes here more regularly (once a week, and doesn't seem to have as many several-week breaks as he did for a while in earlier years).   Right now he's treating us/kids as an obligation, earlier years he seemed to want to come because HE wanted to be here, so emotional disconnection increasing. 

[Anjae]

T&L, MLCers can even go through the all spectrum: clingy, on-and-off, vanisher. Mine was the first type while I was still at our flat. Had a long distance version of clinger for a while, then moved to on-and-off and has been a vanisher for years. Not a vanisher that has totally vanished for the surface of earth (I know where he works at and his clubbing life is public domain) but he has stop contacting, except when my kitten (that was with him) died, and last year to wish me happy birthday and merry christmas. I contact him for legal/paperwork reasons, especially lately, because of the recent legal issues.

[Stronger]

In the beginning I would say H was maybe a boomerang, the only contact now is some excuse about finances . I never see him except when he drives by our home. Lives down the street with OW . May H is a clinger but with no contact 

[BirdSoul]

Wish there was more info on patterns with Vanishers. I follow the advice on this board. I did not beg. I did not push R talk. We are divorced now, as H filed as soon as he legally could. No children. So no "excuses" for contact any longer. But I often wonder if I did everything I could to save my marriage.

The Vanishers I know of in RL have never returned. My H's father abandoned family and ran away with next-door neighbor's wife. He moved from northeast to Florida with OW and married OW. Never looked back. It was only in recent years as he is moving into old age and after he had heart bypass that he attempted to contact my ex. My ex wanted nothing to do with him. Then repeated his father's pattern.

A friend's father announced on Thanksgiving day 25 years ago, when he was in his 40s, he was leaving wife and kids for OW. OW much younger and Brazilian. My friend's father moved to Brazil. Never tried to reconnect with wife. Ex-wife still single. Does have some relationship now with adult kids.

A friend of a friend's husband moved five states away from his wife and two young kids for a short-term job. He was 38. Then announced never coming home. Never tried to reconnect in 7 years. Does see kids though, but not frequently. Now re-married, even though his ex-wife still single.

Maybe the pattern is that Vanishers who make a point of not only divorcing, but putting extreme physical distance between themselves and spouse, are never come back. Not much left for me to have hope for.

[Anjae]

I don’t know Birdsoul… mine wasn’t a vanisher from the beginning. While I was around he would be on the flat all the time. I’m the one who, 7 months after he left, moved back home (I got a job, now long gone). He remained in contact. The loss of contact was gradual and from both sides. If I move back to the big city and/or attend his clubbing night he wil be more than glad to see me. He also had not filled for divorce as soon as he left nor is doing anything to really get divorced. So, my vanisher is a little different from someone who was a vanisher from the start.

[Ready2Transform]

It's hard to say whether they are all Vanishers in the MLC sense.  Being in the age group gives pause about it, but it doesn't guarantee it.  I think no matter what the type, it's impossible to know what the odds are until they are coming out of (or completely out of) replay.  Since it was never about us, our contact with them won't provide the outcome, either.  In some ways, Vanishing may actually be better, as there's no possibility of planting the wrong kind of seeds with our well-deserved anger.