[Standing4Myself]

OK - I am sort of going off on a complete tangent here, but having seen some recent interactions of H on fb (we are not friends but have some mutual friends who he sometimes, well rarely, interacts with) that are definitely of the teenage variety, I keep wondering HOW is it that the alienators do not notice how juvenile our MLCers behaviours are? I just don't get it! Do they think it is normal for people in their mid to late 30s to use lots of teenage vocabulary and endless smilely faces (like a 14 year old?).  I saw something H had posted and the way it was written struck me as odd and I couldnt explain why until I realised it was written in the manner that his 15 year old cousin might write a note to a friend on fb - not like mature man at all.

If these MLCer display behaviours that cycle between preschool to teenage behviour, how does ANOTHER adult, presumably not in MLC, not notice how bizarre some of the MLCer's interactions are for a middle aged person?

Sorry, hijacking my own discussion topic here, but if anyone can suggest a plausible reason?

I really could have written the same thing you did - felt the SAME way.this really struck a cord.. My ex had different vocabulary even, words she never used before. And I do wonder how others dont pick up on how bizarre all that is.  And some do, they just dont know what to do about it. .I don't know the reason but some of the physchology stuff I've read re MLC suggested that it's like a second adolescence. Somewhere it said that MLC's didn't successfully pass through their adolescence stage - so they are repeating it now.  I had an interesting perspective because I knew my ex as a teen and I saw that same teen behavior again in the MLC - except this time around, I was the problem.

[Thundarr]

First off, thank you Rachel for responding and clarifying your positions on things.  RCR mentioned that I for one may have taken what you wrote the wrong way, and your recent writing indicates that to be the case.  I thank you for standing up for what you do and hope and pray that we see a change in this divorce culture.  I cannot imagine how badly future generations will be affected by all this and the damage that is being done to kids even today.  I don't believe in divorce and thought my W didn't either, but she filed on me before we even had a chance to talk.  I don't know if she will see it through or not, but I am devastated like many others here.  It's just not right.  My kids are suffering, I'm suffering and she most likely is.  We were such a happy family and I didn't think anything other than death would ever change that.  We are literally living in Hell.

On the subject of the bizarre behavior,  our D18 was using my W's phone and happened to check her texts between she and her lawyer friend.  She gave me this puzzled look and said my W was writing stuff like she would have at 15.  Truly strange and not like a 41 year-old at all.  She couldn't believe how juvenile and dumb it was, and that she was texting paragraphs of nonsense and he was answering with one-word replies.  Astounding.

[whykeeptrying]

Thundarr, sounds normal for the sitch from what I have learned. It's a thrill it's an inoxicating addictive high that chemistry. It is a tough ride to take. Hang in there.

[stayed]

I think the MLCer comes out of his crisis when he is ready.  I think what makes this time go faster and easier for the LBS'er is if they spend that time, wisely caring for themselves.  Discovering who  they really are and who they want to be.  I think the LBS'er simply takes advantage of the times that the MLCer is in crisis. 

The time passes much faster for the LBS that is focused on themselves as they are learning, growing, maturing within themselves.  They can't see the time as wasted.  The MLCer sees the strength, power and inner contentedness of their LBS, which is obviously very attractive.  Sadly though, the LBS has moved on in a different direction and place then their MLC'er.  As Dontgiveup has been patiently trying to tell everybody, RCR's role in this, is to try to help the LBS'er to improve themselves while giving their MLCer the time they need to complete their process. 

The truth is, people who divorce once, are not nearly as timid about divorcing a second time.  They have overcome their discomfort of walking away from a marriage, not nearly as likely to "tolerate" traits that are annoying and of course, having been through it once have not made the financial commitments mistakes they made the first time around, so are not as FEARFUL of the financial consequences of DIVORCING.  Basically, giving your marriage a second chance after an MLcrisis, is no more of a risk then marrying a total stranger.  Also, it usually takes people many years to find another  partner, probably almost as long as it would take for the average MLC'er to come out of crisis. 

hugs Stayed

[LearningIamOk]

Also, it usually takes people many years to find another  partner, probably almost as long as it would take for the average MLC'er to come out of crisis. 

hugs Stayed

I never considered the above. It is probably very true. Judging by what I saw out at the singles event the other night, it would take years to find an appropriate companion/relationship. People are really broken. I am willing to wait for my broken H, but to take on someone else who has baggage and issues. NO WAY!  I am done wanting to fix anyone else. They are on their own.

[stayed]

No kidding learningIamok!  No kidding.  I found the same thing.  Once experience I had, some X-cop tried to impress me with some stupid old, stake out he was involved in before he retired and became a "security guard" at the Parliament Building...  yea, right, I was impressed.... wtf 

Most of the stuff I have read and most of the people I have talked to who have been through this, claim the MLCer does eventually come out of this.  Usually the LBS isn't available anymore.  I have to say, the devil I had before MLC was one hell of a good man.  Very loving, responsible and all round nice bloke... I can't help but think, with my luck, I'd probably find some dude who was all damaged like I was when h and I first reconciled... wouldn't that have been a recipe for disaster?

hugs Stayed...

[Bewildered]

I think the MLCer comes out of his crisis when he is ready.  I think what makes this time go faster and easier for the LBS'er is if they spend that time, wisely caring for themselves.  Discovering who  they really are and who they want to be.  I think the LBS'er simply takes advantage of the times that the MLCer is in crisis. 

The time passes much faster for the LBS that is focused on themselves as they are learning, growing, maturing within themselves.

Agree with Stayed  the above view ........... I feel sorry and sad that my H is where he is in his life and wish he was able to get through his issues faster and become the person I have always believed he was and would mature into .. BUT he is not this person .. for now  .. but I hope he will be one day BUT I feel that I am the  lucky one why  - I am not where he is ..  So ... take the time as suggested to change yourself for the better .. and if your MLCer is good enough for the new you then so be it if not sad but hey ?

B x

[Musica]

I am currently facing this dilemma with myself. Should I stand or move on? Had a good summer with H being around and interacting well, but then he's gone crazy again, hooked up with OW and treating our D's badly.

I want him to feel the loss of his family, I want to tell him I'm done with him ... but if he changes in a few months or even longer, then I would be willing to work with him on a new relationship. How do I explain that and make him understand the loss?

By move on I don't mean find someone else in a hurry, I don't think that would be wise in any event.

[stayed]

lpxpe, you seem to have missed the point we were making here.  Standing is no longer what this is about for most of us anymore.  This whole situation belongs to our MLCers, we realize that, accept that!  Our challenge now, is to become the best people we can possibly make ourselves into, with or without our spouses.

We recognize that MLC takes time.  We consider this time to be an advantage to ourselves, also to the MLCer, even if he/she does not realize it.  All of us can see that over the years of our marriages we became codependent, forsaken our personal identities and gave away a good part of who we were and who we were meant to be.  We now see this time as an OPPORTUNITY to rectify this dilemma. 

Time is no longer a concern, it is a friend.  We have the time, however much time WE NEED to find ourselves and REBUILD.  This is not going to happen in a week, a month, a year, could take several years.  MLC takes several years as well.  Seeing as we LBS's are really in no condition/state to be making major decisions, this is much needed time to FIX OURSELVES, help our children adjust and learn from this without destroying their lives and our own, as well.

This has become all about us now. 

hugs Stayed

[Musica]

Stayed, thank you. I have a lot of thinking and learning still to do, I know that. I have read lots of your posts, very wise words. Thank you xx