[LisaLives]

They think we are 'in reserve' like some potted fruit.
Well I ain't going to be Jam for anyone. I am top quality preserve.
They have to fight to get you back.

And that has always been my problem with standing, like the covenant keepers.  I don't want to be the only one fighting for my marriage, I want him to be willing to put himself out there for me, because the way I see it, when the chips were down, he bailed, so I would never have faith that he wouldn't do it again if he wasn't willing to "put skin in the game," so to speak. 

You know that saying about who invested the most in breakfast, the pig or the chicken--I don't want to be the only pig in this breakfast!  And that's why I admire covenant keepers and people like Syn and LG--they are willing to give everything--that's faith and I admire people who have faith, but I just don't.  I am not sure that I don't have a certain amount of faith in a higher power, but people--not so much... And in the whole scheme of things, I don't think any higher power gives two shakes about my marriage--there's too much other important stuff out there. 

My pastor once talked about "beautiful people" and by that she meant people of beautiful faith--in god, but there are people who have beautiful faith in other people and I admire that even more, it's harder.  If you ever hear Taylor Swift talk about why she still gets excited when she gets nominated for anything, that's beautiful and I hope she never loses that faith.  Anyway back to work, my clients still have some modicum of faith in me, so I better deliver!       

[BonBon]

Stayed,
I agree with you particularly about honesty.  While H is still in his tunnel but reconnecting to me, I still at times keep my mouth shut but when I don't, I am 100% honest.  That was not true pre-MLC nor during the worst part of replay.  Once out of the tunnel (if ever), honesty on my part will prevail still and I will keep my mouth shut less....

Lisa, I'm quoting you again:
And that has always been my problem with standing, like the covenant keepers.  I don't want to be the only one fighting for my marriage, I want him to be willing to put himself out there for me, because the way I see it, when the chips were down, he bailed, so I would never have faith that he wouldn't do it again if he wasn't willing to "put skin in the game," so to speak. 

Now that my H has reconnected to me, I have heard apologies and various things but I have not experience the empathy that I deserve.  I have tried to demand it but he is still in MLC and so, unwilling, or unable to give that empathy.  Now if I ever do get this, my problem is, I think I will still feel what you wrote above.  What I don't know is how you get to that place of faith in your spouse again.  I didn't want to give him that faith to begin with having been so hurt by a previous relationship but I did because he convinced me I should.  How many times does the boat have to sink before you realize the waters simply are not safe?

[Thundarr]

Ok, I'm confused.  Why would the waters be any less safe with him than with anyone else?  If he has come through his crisis, and you believe in the process, then he should be a much safer risk than others would.  Someone else might have yet to go through theirs, and you would be back at square one.

[Freddygone]

I see Thundarr, what she is saying is that once a bomb goes off it is safe afterwards if it is completely detonated. MLC is over.
If you start with another and you don't know history, experiences, or if there is bomb brewing AGAIN.

From Jaws.....just when you thought is was safe to go back in the water. No No No

[stayed]

MMMMMMMMMM interesting way of looking at it.  The problem is, there just is no way of knowing ANYTHING for sure.  This is sort of like getting on an airplane the day after a big crash.  The likelihood of there being two air crashes within days of each other, seldom happens.  I always feel like the stat beasts have been fed, so I need not worry. 

Plus, our expectations are definitely reduced after something like this.  We realize now, that nothing is perfect, one can never say "never".  Man, I miss my rose coloured glasses.   

hugs Stayed

[Anjae]

So you see, this is not about us, not how big your but is or anything you can fix. You change yourself for YOU. 
This is about something different. I mean simply that it is different. 
They have to try something different.
In an earlier message someone said 'Was dumped by my partner' or something similar. If only that were true.
We don't get dumped, that would be easy, we get put aside  but not discarded.
They think we are 'in reserve' like some potted fruit.
Well I ain't going to be Jam for anyone. I am top quality preserve.
They have to fight to get you back.

Beautifuly putted Freddygone. No, we were not dumped by our parters. They lets us in limbo while themselves are in a real dark over emotional and irracional place.
stayed, I don’t know if it’s a case of them fighting for us to be back. That is nice, but… To be is more a case of how they come out of it. They may fight us much as they want for us, but if they have not become a better person they were before it all happened, not much point in having them back. At least, like I have explained before, I’ve moved so far that my husband become whole againg and be is old self before BD will not do.
Before coming fighting for us they have to fight for themselves, much as we’ve had to go through this.
I completely agree with you about them being held accountable. Back and no accountability is really unacceptable, and dare say, unhealthy for, if that is the case, the future relashionship.
Lisa, while in MLC none of them is capable to fight for their marriage. Actually they are not even capable of fighting for themselves. They just get into one mess after another. When after MLC, yes, they must be willing to fight, and help the LBS, with the marriage. I think that if they succesefully complete MLC they will not do the same again.

That is correct, Thundarr, we may run the risk of couple up with someone that may go through their own MLC. That is why, now, I find it very important to know a person background, setbacks, how they handled them. However, the thing is, sometimes we may become incompatible/not like the person (and they not liking us) by the time the journey is over. Even if the MLCer as completed the journey and come out well of it.
So, in the end, the LBS may discover that will be better with someone else, even if that person have had their onw MLC. We change with age, we change with this, we change with family events. We and our spouses may no longer find ourselves in the same track.
I’m one month short of 5 years of this. No away I will go back to my previous life. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my husband and our life. But it was our life when I was 5 years younger, before BD and a million other things that come along. That life no longer suits me. Now, imagine my husband come out of this as he was. Well, he will be miles away from this new me. And he may never become someone that will be on the same track I’m at.

[BonBon]

Thundarr,
I think you were referring to my post...and I did not mean that I would be looking to put my faith in someone else...on the contrary.  For one thing, I love my H and we are still together but should that change, I'm "out" of the relationship thing.  That sounds short sighted and even bitter maybe...but really, I married at 35 so had a long list of heartbreak, severe in some cases, before H.  I thought he was my saving grace...and then this MLC.  So, this marriage is it for me.  I would not attempt it again with someone else.

What I meant was I don't know if I can let down my defenses enough to put my faith and trust in him again.  He is reconnecting, though still in MLC, but trying very hard to make things up to me.  I am finding it extremely difficult.  I know that it needs more time, more progression on his part as well.  But I don't know that I can get to that place of trust and faith that I had with him before once the time is right.

Which leads me to what Stayed said...nothing is perfect and maybe those rose colored glasses will never appear again..that is a good thing in a way but it was really nice to have that faith in him.  What a shame.

[Thundarr]

I get what you mean now, Bon, and also AnneJ.

In my case, I disagree with Freddy though.  I WAS dumped, discarded, thrown away.  My wife filed for D before even warning me with the famous line "I'm divorcing your ass" when I caught her in a lie and somewhere she had no business being.  She didn't put me on hold, tell me to wait, admit she was going through something etc.  She dumped me like trash after 21 years.  I'm not jam or jelly or butter.  I'm spoiled meat covered in maggots.

[Anjae]

I get what you mean now, Bon, and also AnneJ.

In my case, I disagree with Freddy though.  I WAS dumped, discarded, thrown away.  My wife filed for D before even warning me with the famous line "I'm divorcing your ass" when I caught her in a lie and somewhere she had no business being.  She didn't put me on hold, tell me to wait, admit she was going through something etc.  She dumped me like trash after 21 years.  I'm not jam or jelly or butter.  I'm spoiled meat covered in maggots.

Thundarr, you're still quite at the begging of this. I felt like you when my husband left and then when BD come. It took me a long time to stop feeling dumped.

You are not spoiled meat covered with maggots. You're a great husband, currently with a disfunction wife, and a wonderful and strong father. And, in time, you'll be a brand new and much better man.

[stayed]

I'll second that AnneJ! (((((((((( Huggs Thundarr ))))))))))