[Thundarr]

I, for one, was familiar with her original story and had read it just a few weeks ago.  To me, the letter she wrote was of a different tone altogether and completely altered my views of her account.  THAT was what I was responding to, and also why I did not comment before the letter was posted.

I will await her more detailed blog and will be happy to read it before commenting further on this.

[Rollercoasterider]

I did read her original Psychology Today article.

But it's not an article. She has a blog with several posts--what you may call articles. So I can't tell if you are referring to her initial blog posting or a different blog posting.

[Thundarr]

I was referring to the blog posting that was linked in post 12.  I had read that a few weeks ago and was very inspired and encouraged by it, but when I read the letter I had a very different take.

I think the sticking point for me and for others on here is the kid issue.  They had kids, so the fact that they were attracted to others outside the marriage and pursued them meant that they disrupted the lives of the kids and that was what was selfish to me and probably others.  Had they not had kids, and just decided to go their separate ways mutually the more power to them as I would not seek to impose my values on them.  But, the kids had no say and were innocent.  I feel that when people enter into a relationship and choose to have kids then they take on the responsibility of providing a stable home and family for the kids.  It becomes no longer about the husband, wife or both.  It becomes about the family.  I take issue with how readily she puts emphasis on the marriage itself and not feeling fulfilled or what-have-you, and chooses to chase her happiness at the expense of the kids.  Take it for what you will, that's my take on the letter.  Nothing against her or her H (who did not write the blog or the article, and is really a third person in both), but I just don't agree with their ORIGINAL decision.  I think it's great that they reconciled and the blog post points out that both DO appreciate the value of the family at the end.  The letter was the issue, not the woman or the overall story.

I really think you may have dissected and judged my response out of context.  I did not say we ARE made to be monogamous, just that I thought that was a lame excuse for getting a D.  I also did not condemn HER, but stated my disagreement with her other views stated in the letter.  I apologize to her if she took anything I wrote personally as I did not mean it that way, and as I said I would be happy to read her other blogs as well.

Again, I speak only for myself but I feel that others would likely agree.

[Anjae]

There's something like 400 people on this site.  How many reconciliations have there been?  Just a handful.  There are another handful, from what I read, that seem to be maybe heading in the reconciliation direction. 

The reconciliations on the DB board seem even scarcer.  Obviously, I've not done an analysis, this is just what it "feels" like to me.  Divorce seems more the norm than reconciliation on both sites."

I’ve been thinking the same.  There are many LBS here – actually every week we become more and more -, and very few reconciliations. Shouldn’t the reconciliations be balanced with the growing number of LBS that keep arriving here?
We have what? 1 reconciliation for every 25 LBSes? 1 for every 15? Still, the numbers are low.
I know everyone has a different time frame. Some of us have had BD 5, 8, 10 months ago, other 3,4, 5 or more years ago. But, still, shouldn’t the proportion between LBS and reconciliated spouses be higher?
Maybe RCR or one of the older members of the forum can share their view on this subject.

[Dontgiveup]

Those who add each week may be fresh off bomb drop, or just a few months past bomb drop.  If I had to guess, I'd say most who post here and in the first 1-3 years of the crisis.  A very small number on here are even at 4 years.

[Anjae]

I agree with you, Dontgiveup, the ones who post may be just a just out of BD or months from it. For what I've read here most people do seem to be 1-3 years into the crisis. I'm a month and a week short of 5 years.  I just had to look twice to my previous sentence...nearly 5 years?... BD and first months now looks like something out of a freak comedy show! 



Still, why so manyLBS (new or enduring ones) and so few reconciliations?...

[StillStanding]

I don't know that this site is an accurate sample for a number of reasons.

First and foremost, working through and recovering from MLC is a process that can take several years. This site is only a couple of years old and many of the people who are posting here have only recently had the bomb dropped on them.

Also, not everyone who reads this site posts on it; they could be working through their issues with the help of a therapist, minister, or other support network. There is no way to know how many people are receiving help simply by reading the discussion.

Finally, there could be people who posted here in the past but, as their situations evolved and reconciliation became likely, stopped in order to focus on their marriages.

[Dontgiveup]

I think this sentence from the article Stories and Human Behavior might directly answer your question.....why so few reconciliations?

"More common is for a person to regret their actions--often when they are too late because the spouse has closed the opportunity for marital reconciliation".

So, I guess the answer would be that because by the time the MLC process completes itself (and the MLCer is ready to return) the LBS has moved on.  I would say this would be more common that not.

I think one of the reasons RCR does this is to help teach people "how" to Stand.

[Anjae]

Thanks for the reply StillStanding. I  know that not everybody that reads posts. I read the site for like an year or more and only started posted recently.

Yes, it makes sense, it may get to a point where the situation evolved and people are working on their marriages intead of posting.

But I must tell that when I read the hardships that go along reconciliation I'm really not sure I'm up to it. I've come so far and changed so much, move so much further that I have no desire of been sucked back into the depression, uncertainty, touch’n’go, and everything else that comes with it. It is almost like this 5 years have been the easy part and, in case of a reconciliation, then will come the really, really hard part.

Dontgiveup, "More common is for a person to regret their actions--often when they are too late because the spouse has closed the opportunity for marital reconciliation". I think it is not so much a question of the spouse having closed the opportunity but had moved on. To me they are not the same thing.

Right now what I feel is like I’ve overgrown the person I was, my marriage, my husband. This I would not even like the wonderful life we’ve had because many things that were part of it become outdate. So have become some of my tastes and behaviours.

The woman I’m now can not be the wife of the husband I had. She also can not be the wife of the present MLCer husband. And I have no idea if she could be the wife of the man that will come out of the MLC. Or if he could be my husband. So much changed.

[Dontgiveup]

AnneJ

Yes, one is a result of the other.  The opportunity is closed because the LBS has moved on.....possibly having remarried by the time the MLCer is through the process and desiring a return.

And of course you don't know if it would work.  You've both changed, which is in part why reconciliation is hard work.  However, even though you've both changed, typically the core values return similiarly to what they were before.