[Thundarr]

I don't want to jump in the middle of this discussion nor do I want to take sides at all.  I think you are both right, in fact.  I think we are all at different points and have varying perspectives.  My first inclination when I found out that Lisa was not a Stander was that she might judge those of us who do.  I found out that IS NOT the case at all, and that in fact she is VERY supportive of our choices.  She has also been very helpful to me in many ways.

Syn has a different viewpoint but also different life experiences that it is based upon.  While Syn is still a Stander, I understand that resolve may be wavering and understandably so.  She has much to deal with right now and I can completely understand why someone would be all over the board on what to do at this time.  Lots of variables to take into account. 

Ultimately, you both are doing what's right for YOU and for your FAMILIES.  That's why I'm not wimping out when I say that neither of you are wrong.

((((Group Hugs)))))

[Synicca]

awwwww shucks Thundarr!!

Thanks for that! I think you make a very good therapist!

((big hugs))

[LisaLives]

Syn,

I understand many versions of MLC, but I am not sure if that's what my H is having.  I am not sure how I would know.  He is not a clear case, and there are others like me, I am sure. 

So, I come here because whatever it is he has, there is no other place where I felt people have had the same experience, and other people like me will also come here.  I come here not because I believe I am right, but because I question myself every day and I admire all you standers, but know I don't have that strength.  I come here because if ever there is an "answer," I want to know it.  If you all succeed in an amazing R and I don't, I want to know it so that one day I can pass that on to someone else.  And finally, I come here because I know that there are other people like me who will not have the courage to stand, but like T, who I have opined is not yet ready to decide not to stand, I think I can offer some support, encouragement and hope because they also will come here, like I did and need the support of someone like me who has decided not to stand, but makes the choice in a healthy way. 

I have tried my best to make the best decisions for me, for exH and especially for my kids.  I am not infallible, obviously, or I would not be here, but I believe that I have to pay forward what others have so graciously given me and if I can help even one person here, then I have done a good thing.  Plus, in my heart, I believe I will be one of those LBS that moves on before my exH has a chance to catch up.  Maybe I will regret it, maybe not, but I owe it to everyone to at least lurk long enough to tell the end of my story. 

That's it--I am not as strong as you, but I believe most people are not, and yet, they need support and guidance through this most painful journey, and deserve not to be criticized for not having that strength.  It's the same reason I let myself get sued by my franchise, and I don't regret that, even if it was the nail in the coffin of my marriage, so I know I won't regret this--because I don't have much else to lose!  Happy hump day to all!  Lisa

[Synicca]

Ahhh Lisa,

ok, I get it. Thats perfect. you had no obligation to explain your position to me, but I thank you for that.

and to be quite honest, I do not know if I am truly stronger then you...Its hard yes, but I battle with my own decision alot
almost daily...but something keeps me standing. for how long? I have no clue. I will know when and if that times comes.

We just do what we gotta do, right? Thanks again for sharing that.
many hugs!!

[Finding Hope]

Just my opinion but I don't care if it is a EA or PA, it's wrong. My husband said that she was just a friend. Sorry but texting or calling 197 times in one month is more than friends. He only called me on his cell phone that month 3 times. Then he tells me that it was her that talked him into staying married to me as long as he had (freaking nice of her wasn't it). I don't really give a rats ass if he slept with her or not. He talked to her about problems between us, something I guess he couldn't do with me. So I call BULL$h!te I don't care what kind of spin people put on it, it's all the same CHEATING, LYING, BEING UNFAITHFUL, DECEIVING. All the same. they don't tell you what's going on and unless you find out for yourself, which by the way made me controlling as far as a$$hole was concerned (h) you live with the lies. And they make us the bad guys.

[limitless]

Yep, Confused.  You got that right.

I agree it is all cheating.

And, it's typical for the OW to say that your H needs to work on his marriage.  So he can think, isn't she so kind!  Isn't she so wonderful!  My H said that his ex-wife said the same thing.  Marriage and family were the most important things and that he should go home and work on his marriage.  At the same time, she's texting and emailing him and sending him photos of her.  Right!  Really great gal!

Limitless

[Thundarr]

Confused,

You rock!! Good to have you back!

[In this for ME]

Yeah- my exh's exow told him she didn't get "involved" with married men. So what does the idiot do? Divorces me! Then he finds out the reason why- all she was after was his money.

 Plus, in my heart, I believe I will be one of those LBS that moves on before my exH has a chance to catch up
And Lisa this was one of my greatest fears as I was getting jerked around and devastated over and over by his behavior and cruel comments etc. That I would finally have enough- suffer enough- and just pull the plug.
The divorce was fast and I was left in so much shock I could barely function. I couldn't straighten out how I felt as I didn't have enough time in most cases. All I knew is I was deeply wounded and bleeding profusely from my heart and soul.
Everytime I'd go NC or pull away he'd up the contact or something else would happen- I couldn't detach the way I should have in most cases.

This infidelity will be a hurdle wheteher it's emotional physical or both.

[Red Star]

I need to chime in here. Just after BD, when H announced to ow that he was divorcing me, done with M, ow played the Aren't I Wonder Card and said, 'Oh, your W must be petrified.' I am sure H thought, wow, what a woman, having sympathy for my W..... ...................gag

[Foxberry]

Yep BS,

Same here.....apparently OW kept on saying for the past 12 months if my H wasn't happy he should come home to me...very clever psychology! She also said she felt bad about cheating on me, because her H had cheated on her...delightful, moral, saintly woman 

Love and hugs
Foxy  xxx