[Musica]

Update ... think guilt did get the better of him this time! He's coming to see the girls tonight he said, so we surprised him with some presents and cards this morning! Wonder if he'll turn up? No expectations here.
Oh what a rollercoaster,  personally I always did get motion sickness.

[honour]

From what I've read here and in other places, I think women are more reluctant to see that they are in MLC.  I might be wrong...but that's been my take. 

There may be some truth in this. My W wasn't having crisis in her view. In her mind she had "discovered" herself. It wasn't that she was reluctant to see anything wrong, there was nothing wrong to see. The notion that there was anything wrong would not have been part of her thinking. The blinkers had come off and she could now "see" life clearly. The fact that she had to hurt people was just something that had to happen, she had to do what was right for her. She wrote in a Xmas card to our daghter "I am sorry I have hurt you. I am not being selfish but I have to do what is right for me". That is how she was the last time I saw and spoke to her (3rd Dec 2010). Her mindset may have changed now, I have no way of knowing.

Note in her words the contradiction "I'm not being selfish but I have to do what is right for me" and the absence of empathy in her actions.

So, mine didn't have a clue she was having a Mid-Life-Crisis. In her mind she had had an awakening.

honour

[BonBon]

LettingGo,
Your take on diabolical vs. misery was very interesting to me.  I've been thinking about this.
I am in agreement that someone who is sick isn't out to get someone but with that said, there is such a propensity for deceit and cruelty during MLC, I can't rule out diabolical behavior.  I don't want to compare an MLCer to a serial killer (lol) but let's say for example that a serial killer is a sociopath by virtue of their genetic makeup coupled with their environment (I tend to think this condition is a result of nature and nurture).  Either way, they are a sociopath so this condition means they are mentally ill.  But with that said, their behavior is cunning, diabolical and narcisistic.  I think on some level they are miserable as well. 

I think in the case of an MLCer, yes, they certainly are miserable and confused.  But I've been miserable and depressed and even confused before but I've never needed to lie or be deceptive or take out my problems by attacking or hurting or denegrating someone I love consistently.  So based on that, I can't see that their misery alone can cause all this horrible, and particularly the deceptive behavior that so many of us have experienced.

This has been one of the things that has so confounded me during H's MLC.  I "get" the dissatisfaction and the "is this all there is" and the worries of aging, and even the anger and etc.  But what I never understood was the lying, cruelty and deception that resulted from all these issues.  I still don't even though I've read 100 stories of similar patterns. 

The explanation my H gives about "because I'm in MLC" may be true...no, it is true actually.  But I still believe that he feels this blanket statement will allow him to avoid facing truths and responsibilities for damage.  That is where I see it as perhaps not diabolical but certainly a cop out.  That's just my take...and I didn't mean to hijack so sorry to the OP.

Honour,
I may be all wet in my opinion and perhaps it is because there are less men here and on other forums for me to get a better sampling but just based on anecdotal evidence, and what I've seen from female friends of mine in my own life, I see a sense of entitlement coming from women that makes them less likely to ackowledge they have a problem or to at least make this realization sooner.  I'm of course not saying this is always the case...but women often feel overburdened and very much unappreciated so I've often seen a lot of "I'm going to get what I deserve" in a harsher and longer way than I see from men...again, this is a broad brush statement and I do realize that.  Just my thoughts...

[honour]

but women often feel overburdened and very much unappreciated

I wish I could say this was the case in my sitch because it would make more sense.

My W was most definitely appreciated. My W and I were out having date nights and spending time together as much as was possible. It was very easy to spent time with her and enjoy her company and to praise her. She was a striking beautiful women, extraordinarily young looking for age. I work in visual arts, I know a beautiful face when I see one. An example: one weekend in July 2010 when she was home from working abroad, we were having a meal together outside in the sunshine (she was already cheating on me at this point but I didn't know at the time), the sun was catching her hair and she looked just wonderful, I said to her, "[insert W's name] the sun is catching your hair, it looks golden, you are so beautiful". What did she do? She looked away and scornfully said you are drunk! At any other time in our 33 year relationship she would have accepted the compliment with the sincerity with which it was given. That incident was a small piece in the jigsaw that made me feel increasingly nervous as summer 2010 progressed and she continued to work abroad.

When MLC hits, being appreciated or unappreciated in the marriage makes no difference. The psychosis removes any empathy from their thinking. The absence of empathy gives them the sense of entitlement and the LBS becomes roadkill.

It is just so ironic when you read about women in loveless marriage. I can only think my W needed a break from the adoration.

My daughter summed it up when she said, "it is just a waste of love".

None of it makes any sense, but then we know that now.

honour

[BonBon]

Honour,

Your statement is spot on:
"When MLC hits, being appreciated or unappreciated in the marriage makes no difference. The psychosis removes any empathy from their thinking. The absence of empathy gives them the sense of entitlement and the LBS becomes roadkill."

As I've written before, my husband knew I adored him and I told him he was appreciated, extraordinarly handsome, smart, blah, blah, pretty much every day.  Made no difference.  In fact, when complimenting him or encouraging him during his MLC, I was told that my opinion didn't matter because as his wife, I was "biased" and besides, he needed validation from others, not me.  That was his statement, not mine.  How sad that the only validation I wanted was from him, but instead received the opposite.  As your daughter said, what a waste.

[honour]

I was told that my opinion didn't matter because as his wife, I was "biased" and besides, he needed validation from others, not me. 

Their self-esteem is so low they do indeed need validation from others, or at least they think they do. What they need is to heal their wounds that cause them to feel so insecure. They need to build their house on rock.

honour

[Thundarr]

Again I agree with Honour and BonBon.

I would absolutely fall over if my W even indicated that something MIGHT be amiss.  She bulldozed over everything and continues to justify to the kid why she is doing what she's doing.  She's completely oblivious to the hurt they feel, and even tells them they are not really sad about her moving out and only seeing them twice a week for about an hour.  My D10 said that if she cries on the phone, my W will tell her to shut up and then hang up.

And this from a woman who has been a wonderful companion for 21 years and a terrific mom for 18?  I can't imagine what force could possibly blind her to hurting her own children.  PPD is one parallel, but this is a different animal altogether.

[Mermaid]

As my H is a doctor, and MLC is not a classified mental illness, he could not admit to having something that doesn't exist. OW, also a doctor, laughed when she heard (through the grapevine) that others regarded his behaviour as MLC.

At first, as in almost all cases I have seen here, H was angry at and resentful of me. However, he did admit that he felt very confused, had a total loss of any type of emotion, and (eventually) said was not my fault, but that he needed to make sense of his life.

I don't think the psychosis removes the empathy, but rather the other way round; anhedonia (loss of feeling) leads to a loss of meaning of their lives and a sense of alienation. This arises from an inability to cope with their life as it is, the lack of resources to deal with the stresses they are faced with on a daily basis until they are overwhelmed.

Neurologically, rational behaviour is rooted in emotions and a value system in the brain called somatic marker mechanisms. With the disfunction of the value system, behaviour cannot be rational.

[BonBon]

Mermaid,
My father was a doctor and suffered from panic attacks.  He would never admit that panic was the problem.  Actually, he was a cardiologist and whenever he would be about to travel (which was often), he would wind up in the emergency room, fearing a heart attack.  There were other triggers as well that would always end in the same result.  There were no heart attacks of course.  My grandmother also suffered these.  And I do too.  I've done plenty of research on these and found that people can be genetically pre-disposed to panic attacks so yes, they do run in families at times.

My point here is you are also illustrating two doctors who refuse to believe in an emotional/phsychological condition.  Not uncommon but pretty narrow minded.  I am sure that in his work, your husband has seen people act out with psychological maladies from time to time.  But of course it can't apply to him...that does not surprise me.  Geesh.

Thundarr,
That is one of the saddest stories I've read in regards to children.  They are all sad but your wife seems to be particularly cold in terms of this if you don't mind my saying.  I am sorry.  That is just awful.  I hope they someday hear apologies and explanations and see a wonderful mother emerging again and they can recover from the hurt she is inflicting. 

Bon

[honour]

At first, as in almost all cases I have seen here, H was angry at and resentful of me. However, he did admit that he felt very confused, had a total loss of any type of emotion, and (eventually) said was not my fault, but that he needed to make sense of his life.

This is very interesting Mermaid. I have read an account of a recovered MLCer who spoke of a loss of feeling and how she woke up one morning with all her emotional attachments gone. She said is was a terrifying place to be.

honour