[hyperglad]

I was just reading Lisa Lives post where she says she wanted to continue post ...especially to show if she did things wrong to help newbies.

I thought this would make a good thread for us all to document what we have done wrong...hopefully enabling others to avoid what we have done and to also make newbies realise we have all done what know we shouldn't have, even after getting great advice from here. 

For me I guess my main one was impatience and as soon as my H made any progress towards me I would try and reel in the fish way way too soon...he of course would fight for his life to escape, this went on even after he moved out.

i remember after he was in his cave for about 5 weeks he was here most of the time so I said...right tell the landlord you no longer need it and come home, at the time he said OK. Then the next few days he went quiet...then we had an almighty row and he said...I will give it up when i am good and ready...18 mths on i think he meant it 

I now see this as controlling , where as at the time I thought it was caring..

I am sure I have many others too 

[MsZing]

Hi Hyper

good idea starting this. Im still only 4mths post BD and I guess my personality type has prevented me from doing the chasing and reeling type thing and the pleading, begging. I have cried on occassion thou right at the start of this mess.

The thing I have done and have to guard against doing it wanting to rescue!. WHen H ha a problem I want to swoop in and help. Like when he called up crying he was broke. Iasked if he wanted me toi go over and then I met him and gave him $200. BEEP! wrong move

I do have to remind myself not to try and be a fixer. For one it is enabling and H wont do his journey on his own. For another Im exhibiting a behaviour that used to tick him off when he was at home

Note to self: I am NOT his mummy

[Patience]

Gosh HG, how much time do you have? 

Don't try to "reason" with them or even explain why you feel the way you do.  They won't understand it and see it as controlling. 

I've written this some where before, but my H told me that when I told him I did not agree to a divorce, it was the wrong thing to say at the time.  I think RCR has written it some place, but it's not necessary to communicate your stand.  In the beginning it can back fire on you.  Once again, they see it as controlling. 

Don't take a family vacation the week before they plan to move out.  I say this in jest, a bit, but vacations are hard as our expectations get raised.  I thought I was doing it for our kids, but I secretly hoped it would turn things around.  Think long and hard about a vacation with the MLCer. 

Don't contact the OP.  I didn't do this, but I know it's a mistake.

My number one rule for myself was, and this was NOT a mistake:  don't do anything you will not be willing to tell your spouse if/when they return. 

[hyperglad]

Wow the holiday thing is a good one.... we have had three family vacations through this,the first two with H...and as you say i thought he would realise what he had and was missing...WRONG...the third we took without him and he took great trouble to tell me how much he didn't miss us Hmmmmmm

The other thing is don't ask questions in a way that evokes an answer you don't want to hear hoping for the answer you desire ie i would say, you don't really want to be here do you....hoping for I do i really do...and he would say No I don't think I do...then I would be devastated...JUST DON'T DO IT

[stayed]

What an OUTSTANDING idea Hyperglad.... we should STICKY this thread, keep it going. 

I did absolutely everything all of you have said, NOT TO DO, hehehe!  The reasoning is hopeless and pointless, not only do they think it is controlling but they actually twist it around and use it against you, later.    Omg, making statements and hoping my h would denounce them as silliness on my part, as in, "of course I want to be here with you.... " I was really slow, learning that one.

Biggest mistake of all!  NOT LETTING GO!  I know it's hard but honestly... the longer and harder you hold on... the LONGER they remain in MLC.  I think it actually REASSURES them, take as long as you need darling, I am here, waiting for you.  BAD!  BAD!  BAD! 

I think we are as RELUCTANT to truly look within, as our MLC'er is.  I am convinced if we spent half as much time trying to figure out why we can't let go, as we do trying to figure out how we can get them back, MOST OF US, would be out of this and on our way to happiness.  The way I look at it people, what is there to be AFRAID OF?  Are you enjoying your lives the way they are now?  I expect not.  You know what your life is like now, you know that if you CONTINUE TO do what you are doing, it will SIMPLY be more of the same.   How can doing what you know you must, be more frightening then living the way you are now, INDEFINITELY?

hugs Stayed

[kikki]

Ok Stayed - you're an expert on this one

What will we be doing when we have LET GO?
I never ever ever ever contact my H.  He contacts me, almost daily.  Should I stop replying?

Do you mean split things up financially?  Is that Letting go?

Do you mean making plans to be elsewhere for Christmas?  Christmas without them?  Is that letting go?

Ummm .....  there must be other things 

Actually - I haven't read these in a very long time.  Just found the 'Releasers' in the Self Focus section of the articles.  I'll start there

[summer progress]

Tomorrow will be 4 months post BD. I made some huge mistakes in the past 4 months. I forgot that in their MLC mind, they change every day, hour, and minute.

H was asking a few weeks ago about MLC and how to get through it. I told him each person gets through it differently and that his journey would be his own. I listened, validated, and responded when he asked a question. Everything went well.

Two days later, I found an article I thought would interest him. It was about one man's journey through MLC. I shared it with him. He listened or seemed to listen. Later, he was quiet and we talked and I told him that if I begin to say something that he does not want to hear, just tell me. He responded with "Why did you even think that I would be interested in it?". I told him that he was asking about it two days ago, and I thought it would would be interesting to him. He said "That was 2 days ago, you should have shared it with me then."

A few months ago, H informed me that he was holding me back. The next day I told him that I have never felt that he was holding me back and I asked him what he thought he was holding me back from. He shruged and said "You should have asked me when I said it." I told him I did ask him, but that he had gone off about something else instead of answering my question.

I guess what I am saying is that one of the biggest mistakes I found is that during communication, their brain is from moment to moment. Now I realize that what ever conversation is going on with my MLCer is taking place at that time, and the subject of that communication is only valid for that specific time period (within that hour). Even waiting an hour later to bring something back up is risky... Their minds have moved on, or they have forgotten (or pushed away) what has transpired.

Summer

[Musica]

Oh boy!! Big list!

Mistakes ... all of the above  crying, pleading, trying to make him see reason, giving him stuff to read about love, depression, honour, guilt, divorce and the effects on children,  even making him come home when he left in Jan 2010 ... I should have let him go them instead of waiting till Feb 2011, when I had to push him out! (that wasn't a mistake though)

Telling him once in May 2011 that I still love him ... I shouldn't have ... it gave him permission to continue with his crazy life knowing I'd still be here.
Trying to help him to get a better relationship with his children (although I did this for them, not him ), but I think it was still a mistake.
Telling him he's wrong about things (even when I know he is!) he just can't take being told off ... he's a child. Having expectations, allowing him to come in to our lives before he was ready to be back. Not letting go.

Probably loads more ... I have a whole file full of stuff I gave him to read, and he did read some of it in 2010, but it was all a mistake, he couldn't get any meaning from it.

Ah well, we all make mistakes, but I think we all should also realise that our mistakes are usually made through love, for the right reasons. The MLCers mistakes are also very many and varied, and are made through blindness, selfishness and fear. Their mistakes have worse consequences.

[stayed]

Kikki, what does letting go look like? 

You have children yes?  Sometimes, we have to simply let them crash and burn, don't we?  This is one of those situations.  This letting go is watching from AFAR... as far as possible actually. 

I have a sister who is an alcoholic!  We have tried everything to get her off the booze.  NOTHING!  Now, my siblings and I, stand back and watch, without criticism, without judgement.  We simply watch and wait for the time that she will need us to help pick her up.  We all pray it will happen like that, that we will be given the joy, the opportunity to help her when she asks but none of us are holding our breath.  We honestly never expect her to give up the drink, we all hope but our expectations are zero. 

We will always be there for her.  That's how I felt about my h when I detached.  I didn't want to be near him, or with him when he was in full blown MLC but I knew in my heart, I would ALWAYS be there for him, if he ever called on me.  I had much to thank my h for, our 5 wonderful children and all these wonderful grandchildren we are being blessed with, is ONLY one example.  That being said, if he could not have found his way back to being a PARTNER to me, then I had no choice but to continue to move forward.  Hopefully, learning my lessons well and preparing me for the future.

Does that shed any light on what I think LETTING GO looks like?

hugs Stayed...

[LisaLives]

I am glad I inspired something others view as positive--that's kinda rare for me here! 

I said that, but I don't know the answer.  I don't think any of us will really know until the story ends, and that's why I'll keep posting. 

I did the crying and pleading thing, but for me it was the reasoning efforts that probably went on too long, especially considering this is a man who even in the best of times did not communicate on an emotional level.  However, I don't regret it.  I know it did no good, and may have done some damage, but for six months I wrote LONG essays about what I thought he was doing and what I thought about our life, our marriage, etc. ...  But, I am in a better place because I did it, so mistake or not, I needed it, or I would not be able to heal.  Since he won't communicate, I needed to know that I "plead my case" in the only way I could and did everything I thought I could to try to save my family.   

I could not have gone NC without explaining everything that was in my head and heart.  But now when he chastises me for anything won't do I can say, "I am sorry, but I have told you, I love you, I am sorry you don't understand, but I will not be your friend until you are mine and what you are asking for is not an obligation but a friend privilege, and without reciprocity there will be no privleges granted."  I don't say that in the same way every time, obviously, but it's my coaching refrain--what runs through my head when I explain yet again why I don't discuss things like which basketball team our kid should be on, or how many pairs of shoes a teen really needs...  Because every conversation we have ends up with me being a bad wife and parent... Apparently I needed to get that off my chest, I am a little annoyed tonight because exH has, yet again changed the custody schedule...

Anyway that was a lot of nothing about nothing, but what I was really going to say was I have no idea what mistakes I have made but if anyone else has noted them, feel free to post them, I am not sensitive!  Lisa