[OldPilot]

But now when he chastises me for anything won't do I can say, "I am sorry, but I have told you, I love you, I am sorry you don't understand, but I will not be your friend until you are mine and what you are asking for is not an obligation but a friend privilege, and without reciprocity there will be no privleges granted."

This is really good!

Good job!

[kikki]

LL - I too wrote long essays about our lives, marriage, kids and the effect on all of these because of his actions.

I know I went on for too long, BUT I also don't regret it.  I also told him 'I don't buy it' when he blamed me for everything.
I have always trusted my gut instinct and gone with whatever felt right.

I did eventually learn to zip it quite a long time ago, but it is interesting how often my H now refers to these early conversations.(monologues I guess )

'I knew you'd understand because of everything that you've been saying these past months/years' etc when he's admitting he's stuffed up (for two seconds before cycling back into fog and denial).

He also said that once I stopped talking, he was able to start thinking.

[Trustandlove]

But now when he chastises me for anything won't do I can say, "I am sorry, but I have told you, I love you, I am sorry you don't understand, but I will not be your friend until you are mine and what you are asking for is not an obligation but a friend privilege, and without reciprocity there will be no privleges granted."

I agree, this is wonderful -- I'm writing it down to remember it!

[wondering]

Big Mistake..I snooped and looked at his email, got really hurt and told him. He now says he is filing for divorce. And this is after I'm one year into this. I should have had more control...now I have regrets and have probably lost him forever. This just happened yesterday.

 Newbies...Don't do what I did.

[LisaLives]

Wondering, don't beat yourself up.  People have made worse mistakes, I know a woman who shot her husband and tried to have someone else kill him--and they reconciled!  Of course they're both crazy, so maybe that's not saying much, but people make big mistakes and recover and some people do everything right and still lose everything.  Give yourself a break, learn from it and move on.  Perhaps you needed that hurt to move on, who knows, but just let it go and things will get better.  Lots of positive energy to you today.  But it almost could not have happened on a better day.  Ten years ago, thousands of people lost everything, their lives, people they love, their faith and trust and security.  You are not in that position, so count your blessings because you do have lots!  Happiness is a choice, believe it, Lisa

[stayed]

BULL TWEET wondering... he's MLC... wait 24 hours, he won't even remember saying it. 

Hugs Stayed...

[hyperglad]

Lisa I have to say i have loved your posts...your honest forthwright views, your decision not to stand...your scientific perspective, TBH if my H married someone or even moved in with OW long term...i would most probably (who really knows though) be right there with you. I know I would probably seek revenge and want to parade a younger , fitter guy with more money in front of my MLC's, anyone know one he he  ...naughty Hyper 

We need all kinds of opinions/views/perspectives that's what makes this site great...often when we are so close to our own sitchs we can't see the woods for the trees...i for one welcome all responses on my thread so feel free to post on mine 2 x 4 inclusive 

I might not always take the advice but often it will make me consider a different option. As long as they are said with the best intentions  and are objective and not personal (does that make sense, even thought it is personal if you get me  )

I say keep them coming

[Dandy Lion]

What I notice about MLCers is that they forget things very quickly and change their minds quickly too.  So perhaps the best thing you can do is pretend the whole thing never actually happend.  After a while something new will probably get stuck into his head.  Just continue.....as they say when you fall down just pick yourself up and continue your journey.

Take care
HUGS

[stayed]

This is the third time, I have tried to respond to your question Kikki. 

Going to New Zealand was the smartest thing I ever did for myself.  First it got me out of the faces of my children.  They were hurting so badly for me, as my mother had just passed away, I had nursed her through to the end and their father was lost somewhere on the Goodship Lala Land.  They wanted to help me, knew they couldn't.  I just couldn't bare putting them through this anymore.  They were ages 19 - 26 at the time.  Oldest two had just married, less then a year. Oldest daughter had miscarried that Christmas and had found out she was pregnant again.  She certainly did not need the stress.  This was not a good start to their marriages.

I was working 3 jobs when I met my husband back in 1976.  I had heard that if you took a lot of money to New Zealand you could live like a queen.  I was fixing to have myself the adventure of my life.  Then my h came into my life.  By June of 1977, I was Mrs. Stayed.  New Zealand was my unfulfilled dream. 

Going to New Zealand was my stand.  I was finished being dominated/controlled by my husbands crisis.  I was determined to find the strong, capable, independent woman I was before I became Mrs. Stayed, mother of 5, officer's wife... blah, blah... blah.  Before I handed over my identity and life.  I felt so weak, powerless, I knew I had to figure out how I had gotten into such a pathetic state. 

The beauty of N.Z., he couldn't simply grab a flight and chase me down.  Believe me, my h was quite capable of that.  Also, he was a needy clinger.  He needed to know I was there for him, whenever he wanted to come home.  Somehow, I always knew that.  I think if I had not vacated my post, of being where he had LEFT ME... I doubt we would have reconciled.  Of course, I don't know that but in my heart of heart, I really believe that.  I had to find ME.  He had to find HIMSELF.  WE could not do that as long as we could cling to each other. 

He still sent emails.  Of which I devoured daily.  Bullcrap stuff, all along the same lines as his calls on the phone were.  "Let me fix myself... please give me more time to fix myself".  I read them, but never answered them.  I did send him pictures of all the wonderful places I was visiting and exciting adventures I was having.  Embellishing them, for sure, but I was having a good time, just not nearly as much as I would have had almost 30 years prior to that, hehehe.  He would send emails begging for a way to call me.  I ignored all of those requests.  Pictures of my adventures and responses to birthday gifts etc. for the children.  Both of us got a great deal of pleasure out of the ultra sound pictures of our first grandchild, that generated a lot of emails back and forth, but I would not enter into anything personal.  Although, I did start sending him emails about my memories of our life together.  Nostalgic things... quite inspired I thought... hehehe.

I returned from N.Z. because he was harassing our oldest daughter.  That story is all on my thread.  I returned to Canada and proceeded to get on with my life.  Bought a new car.  Furniture for the house.  I was looking at buying a smaller CONDO type place, sell the big family home we had.  I saw a lawyer.  Started the process of SEPARATING our assets and putting MY financial house in order. 
I was moving on.  I had no intentions of dating.  I was just too vulnerable and I knew it, but I was restless to take my life back and all my actions showed that I was going to have it back... WHATEVER IT TOOK!

Believe me, I was not faking this.  This is something one cannot fake.  My actions were all about ME and my h knew it.  He claims it scared him and I suspect it did.  Stupidly, we reconnected too early, but with him in Europe and me in Canada, I guess neither of us felt we had much choice but to go for it. 

For us, it worked out.  It sure wasn't easy.  Lot's and lot's of mistakes.

[Mermaid]

Ooooh mistakes... don't get me started.

Wondering, I also snooped big time. H couldn't see that he was doing anything wrong (he was lying, flirting, talking about me, sharing private letters from D20), mine was the bigger crime.

The first time I screamed at him because of OW, and he said "right, we need to divorce", I cried, pulled all my clothes off, and threatened to jump out of the window (tenth floor). I'm the queen of mistakes and uncool.

I tried to give him ultimatums.... her or me. Doesn't work.

I begged him to work on our M, to make some type of promise to me. I cried.

I invaded his space.

Opposite type of mistake: I tried to tolerate his comings and goings, act like going out with OW didn't matter. I was kidding myself, and couldn't keep it up. NC would have been more effective (although at the time I really needed a few months more stability until I'd finished my thesis).

The best thing I ever did was to finish my thesis; I also made sure I went away frequently, and to leave him alone in charge of the kids; I had weekends with friends, Buddhist weekends, weekends travelling. It gave me a life apart from home and work, and put the shoe on the other foot (he could feel like what it was like without me, with all the responsibilities of the house). I also had a fantastic 50th party, and all HIS family travelled a long way to be with me. I felt appreciated, loved, and he could see that, too. Taking fluoxetine (prozac) was also very helpful in overcoming the devastating effects of BD. Of course, detaching, stopping being a pursuer, listening, validating, and letting go were also important.