[StandandDeliver]

Well this thread is timely. My H has just got a new job - he will start in the new year. He has left the place where he had the affair (I think OW is still working there, but I don't ask, or care) and where he has been unhappy for "years". He has never had a job that he remains happy in for more than a year. His new job is very senior in a global company and he will be managing a big team for the first time.  I wonder how long it will take him to dislike the new job. I assume that, as always, there will be a honeymoon period, but also knowing H, I know that the role will be the ego boost he needs to show off to everyone, even once he is miserable in the new job (which if old patterns are anything to go by, he will be). In the meantime he is out of work now for a couple of months. I will be interested to see how having time on his hands affects him.

I have no idea where he is at with MLC. OW is still in the picture (she won't be going anywhere while his salary is growing) and he will no doubt be on a new job "high" for some time. In the meantime I think that standing may be coming to a close for me. I wonder if H has just had a crisis, and has made peace with his decisions and is now moving forward with his life without making any necessary changes to himself. He is going back to old patterns (the ones that got him into crisis in the first place). He could be like this for years and I do not want to wait it out. I am young enough that I can still accomplish a lot in life, forge ahead with a career, raise my children and possibly have more children with someone else. I do not want to rush into anything, I am not desperate for a relationship, but I do miss companionship and someone who has my well-being in his thoughts. Saying a final farewell to my H and to my marriage may be sad, but I feel like I need to really move forward. I don't like divorce, I don't like what it means for my children, but they are living that reality already. I hope that they can recover a relationship with their father, but I don't know him at all anymore and I feel that the water under the bridge in terms of things that were said and done is quite massive. All relationships are hard work, and I just don't believe that building a new positive relationship with a new person, who gets the new me, the me who continues to work on herself, could possibly be harder work that rebuilding the marriage and the many many issues that came to play at BD with my H. I really do wish him well and hope that he can find himself one day, and maybe I am too superficial or something, but I have always been sensitive and I have always cared deeply for the people in my life, and I can forgive him his cruelty and his insensitivity, but I don't know if inviting it all back into my life is the answer. And the one thing I have thought alot about is whether I should just grow a thicker skin. BUt I don't think that this is the answer, because although it can sometimes be a flaw (I am oversensitive about what others think of me) it is also a strength (I remain sensitive, insightful and empathetic and thoughtful about the people around me).

He has chosen his trajectory, perhaps as part of an ongoing crisis, perhaps during a crisis that is now over. I don't know. I do know that I have given and given and given in my R with him, even since BD - if we consider that NEVER sharing our own feelings with another person is giving in to their method of dehumanising us. True, he may not care. True, he may even hold my feelings against me, but actually, so what? Why pander to that particularly pathetic way of being?  I have made no demands on H since some time last March and I am so sick of analysing his every move. And you can tell me that I have not detached but if that is true then really no-one on this board has detached because we are all guilty of coming on here and picking apart our interactions with our abandoners.

I need to be honest, I am a woman in the prime of her life -   I want someone to hold my hand, I want someone to kiss me and tease me. I want someone to look at me a certain way. I want to share "inside" jokes with someone. I want to finish someone's sentences and then catch each other at it and laugh. Pathetic? I don't know. I think the desire for connectivity and family and community is deep rooted in humanity. I wonder at the idea that being autonomously independant should make us the most happy. I am perfectly capable of being alone and looking after myself and my children. Do I want to live my life that way? No, I would never have married in the first place if I wanted to spend my life autonomously on my own. I do not want a relationship where I am dependent on someone again, but I also do not want to believe that it is impossible to share my life with someone without being co-dependent. I have changed a lot in the almost year since BD. A lot. I am a work in progress, but that will be true of me for the rest of my life. Does that mean I should remain alone (except for if H wants me back one day?). I don't know.

[LoveMeMyself]

My ex H was "dismissed" from his job the end of June.  He and his OW worked together but once their affair was exposed she was going to be transferred to another location..........she didn't like the idea so she quit.  My ex told me he tried to talk her out of quitting........but he had purchased her a vehicle and since she was no longer employed he got "stuck" with the monthly payments......and she refused to give the vehicle back to him.......for at least a month........but he finally got it back and sold it off.  This all occurred approximately 4 months after he left me.  Anyway, he was told at the time that he needed to find another job.........his boss and other employees no longer wanted him there.  His boss had compassion for him and didn't want to fire him even though he got involved with a subordinate.  My ex H worked in the government sector so he was a merit employee......as anyone may or may not know, it's really hard firing someone from a government position.  Anyway, my ex H made "minor" attempts to finding another job but eventually he stopped trying.......after all, nearly two years had gone by.  But, during this time my ex H was on medication which he was abusing.  He was also drinking a lot.  I understand that he also dated another employee (temporarily)........then something in her personnel file disappeared.  My ex H was blamed for it and told to resign.......leave.  At first he refused to submit his resignation but then 3 weeks after he was "let go" he attempted suicide.  After the hospital stay and a few weeks of therapy he finally submitted his resignation.  He never liked the job anyway.  He has a retirement to live on and until the end of this month he has also been receiving a paycheck.  He's been looking for another job.........but I don't know how much effort he has been putting into it.  Most recently he told me in an email that he has nothing to look forward to and he never dreamed his life would end up like this.  Karma???